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Hey, uh I need some advice?

WafflerWaffler Posts: 10 Settling in
Hi, I don't want to share my name but I'm 19 and I like football and waffles are the best desert! I'd just like to share what I'm struggling with I guess.

I don't want to be a burden and hopefully I'm not but I'm in need of some support. I have nobody else to share anything with and I don't know what to do so, I'm here hoping it's okay to just be open about the situation I'm in. If anyone sees this, I appreciate you taking the time to read my waffle!

Basically, I'm someone who has never made any actual meaningful friendships which leaves me feeling alone a lot of the time. Like I've never had a proper friend you know. Like the somebody in your life who you're close with and speak to often. I've never had those people or even just that one person.

I have a job and at work there's this girl who I really like as a friend. Known each other for roughly 6 or so months now. She works part-time because she's at college and so I only see her on weekends which are busy days ofc. I try to interact as much as i can with her on my good days and we've developed some sort of friendship so far. But we're just very different people as in like she's more positive and I'm the opposite. I can be happy ofc but generally I'm not the most energetic person and can be visibly sad/quiet most of the time. She's way more on the bubblier side which I like about her but I don't want to be someone who is bad for a brighter person if that makes sense?

We talk outside of work from time to time over texts but it's not really that easy because she's busy so it takes her days and days to reply which makes it difficult to have a conversation or get to know her. It's fair enough because like she already has friends which doesn't necessarily mean I'm someone she would want to get to know. But I'm trying to make an effort I guess.

I just want to be as honest and open with her as I could be so I've been thinking about sharing the fact that I have a history of self harm. It's on and off like I relapsed 2 weeks ago but before that I was basically clean for 2 years. However, I'm just unsure if it's the right thing to do. I don't know if I should tell her or not. But I do want to tell her. I do need somebody to know myself, like it would be a huge weight off my shoulders but i also don't want to push her away. I trust her and am fine with her knowing but I don't want her to feel a pressure or like burdened with knowing this about me. She'd be the only person.

My thought process is that the earlier I tell her the better. Like otherwise she might potentially find out the wrong way and if she finds out if we're any closer then it'll only hurt more right. At least if she knows now, then at least she can decide whether she wants someone like me in her life or not. If she doesn't want anything to do with me then it would suck but I'd understand because I wouldn't want to be effort or too much for her. Especially while she's got so much great things ahead of her. It's unfair if I potentially got in the way right.

I messaged her saying I needed to speak to her about something but I'm kind of nervous and anxious about it even though I'm cool with her finding out. I just don't know how to go about things.

Thanks for reading again, I'm open to any advice or like just any sort of help. She's the best thing that's happened to me in let's just say a very long time and I'm actually making effort to try and be friends with someone for once. I just don't want to screw up!
Don't want to make things awkward or lose her etc.


  • BrookeeBrookee Posts: 1,327 Wise Owl
    Hey @Waffler

    First of all, welcome to The Mix, you're not a burden at all and we're always here for you to reach out when you need support! :)

    I can hear how lonely things have been for you, and you've shown great strength sharing this with us and reaching out today. I think it can be really difficult to navigate friendships but I think it shows how much you want to be friends with this person, it's okay to not be energetic or bubbly all of the time, it doesn't mean you'll be bringing them down. I know it can be difficult to see the positives when our brain is constantly trying to criticize everything we say or do, particularly when this is quite new for you. I can hear how much you care about this friendship, it shows incredible bravery to want to share this with someone.

    You mentioned that she'd be the only one to know about your self-harm, I'm wondering if there's anyone else that you feel safe or comfortable talking to about how you've been feeling?

    Your feelings and what you're going through is completely valid, and it's important to know that you're not a burden and it's okay to feel what you're feeling. The fact you deal with self-harm doesn't mean that you're unworthy of love or support.

    It's clear that you care a great deal about this person, and I really hope it all goes well for you. Please do know that we're always here for you if you want to reach out, and I'm sending you so much love. It takes strength to share this and talk about such difficult things <3
  • WafflerWaffler Posts: 10 Settling in
    Hello @Brookee

    Thanks for welcoming me. I think it's really selfless and lovely of you to have not only just read this but to then go further in posting a well thought out reply. I really do appreciate that so thank you! I hope you're doing good!

    Yes, I'd agree that this friendship would mean a lot to me but at the same time it is really hard to navigate friendships too. I think that's very true, thanks for understanding my situation. She is like the best thing that's happened to me in well a while so it is new/scary. But I'm glad to have met her and I'm happy/proud for trying tbf. I'll always try to be a supportive and caring friend. I've let her know that too ofc. I think that's the least I can offer as a friend and that's basically what close friends are there for i guess.

    To answer your question, no there is nobody else in my life I feel comfortable enough and trust to be able to share my self harm situation with unfortunately. There's not anyone else that I feel comfortable going to, i guess that's why I made an effort to come here and talk about what's going on a little bit. I've thought about who I could talk to about how I'm feeling etc and it was only her tbh.

    However, she replied to my message yesterday afternoon. I'd reached out to her the night before saying that there's something I needed to share with her. She said she's not in the right place to be a supportive person and also that she doesn't really feel comfortable atm to support me in the way that I might need. Which like I'm completely fine with btw. I understand and I'm glad I can at least be able to respect the honesty in her reply. She was nice about it but now i kind of feel awkward about it. I'm cool that she spoke honestly and didn't just let me share for the sake of it to just know. That was really respectable so, obviously I'm not gonna share now.

    What's really difficult now is that I feel like she's going through something difficult which I'd be more than happy to help her with in any way but she won't let me in or tell me. Like it makes me worried because i care about her and have no problems in being there to even just hear her out. Before if I've tried to get her to open up she's been like it's not in her nature to share things and doesn't want to. So in the instance I just respected it and said fair enough which she appreciated. However, this time around she said herself that she's fine BUT that it's something that she really doesn't want to speak about. So, I gave a really thought out reply trying to get her to share but now she won't reply for 1 or 2 weeks (I'm assuming because she takes days and days usually) and obviously at work I barely get to actually chat to her because it's busy and we're working. Like it's not an environment to try and have a proper conversation in because there's so much interruption and no privacy.

    Clearly from saying that she's fine BUT it's something she really doesn't wanna talk about. It means that she feels comfortable enough to share with me that something is actually up. So she must trust me to an extent right. Otherwise she would just be like I'm fine fullstop. I think there's something in that and I really hope that she opens up a little because i know how much it can help. I just want to be there for her but it's like I cant do anything. If I give space then that's fine I've respected that and done that before. If someone isn't ready to share then you don't want to pressure them. But sometimes you need actually tell them to just tell you. So, they know you care and you're invested. Any thoughts? Anybody?

    I don't get a chance to ask her in person and tell her face to face because there's so many people around and it's not easy at all to have a quiet chat for even a minute. I think there is greater meaning in saying something meaningful to someone in person rather than just over text. Like it's all good saying in text you're there for them and you care etc but uh it just means that little bit more to actually hear it in person? Would a phone call be the next best thing to try or a voice note? We never spoke on the phone and i doubt she'd answer.

    Sorry, this is kind of long but I just want like some encouragement I guess or something because idk what to do and it sucks because I get stuck on a thought and how I care and wanna help etc
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 4,933 The Mix Elder
    edited April 2022
    Hi @Waffler. Welcome to The Mix's community. It is great to see you have joined us. Please try not to worry about not wanting to share your name, you can be anonymous here. Great username matching one of your likes (waffles!).

    You have shown a lot of strength in reaching out to us, thank you for sharing. From what I am hearing, you have never made any actual meaningful friendships which leave you feeling alone a lot of the time. By "actual meaningful friendships", you mean someone who you are close with and speak to often.

    You have a job and at work, there's this girl who you really like as a friend. You don't get much time to speak because you work together on busy days (weekends) and outside of this she's busy with college so can take a while to reply to texts. You really try to interact with her as much as you can when the opportunity arises. This is really impressive and we are really proud of you for trying to make friends despite this being something you struggle with, well done.

    I am also hearing that there are some differences between you and your friend. One example you gave is that you are not the most energetic person and can be visibly sad/quiet most of the time whereas your friend is more positive and bubbly. That makes sense. How do you feel these differences affect the friendship between you and your friend, if at all?

    You have done such a great job in being open with us about your history of self-harm and that this is something you are considering talking to your friend about. How amazing that you were clean for 2 years, that shows a lot of strength. Though, we of course understand that it is not a linear process and sometimes it is more difficult to be clean. It is completely up to you whether or not you talk to your friend about self-harm. It sounds like you are already aware of some of the potential strengths and barriers to telling your friend about self-harm which shows such a great level of personal insight - well done.

    It sounds difficult and worrying for you that your friend is not in the right place to offer support at the moment and might also be going through something but is not telling you. It is understandable that you are feeling worried about this. I can hear that you really respect boundaries and that maintaining boundaries is something that is really important to you. Everyone is different and will respond in different ways but it is great to hear you are keeping in mind how you feel and doing what is the most important for you and your friendship.

    You mention that you don't know how to go about things. It sounds like this might be making you feel nervous at the moment. Would you like to talk to us about how you might go about things? We are here for you if you would like to practice this with us or share more with us.

    There are also some resources that you might find helpful for knowing more about how to go about things. These are listed below in case you feel this might be helpful for you:
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  • WafflerWaffler Posts: 10 Settling in
    Hi @Laura_tigger82

    Firstly, I'd like to say that I appreciate you for hearing me out & understanding how things can be. It means a lot for someone to not only just read whatever I've wrote but then to go further on to care by giving a meaningful response. I love your profile picture BTW, Winnie The Pooh is great! Also, it's amazing how you put time into anonymous people that you don't necessarily know or will ever meet. It's so kind of you and I hope things in your life are going well! The 2nd and 3rd paragraph you wrote, I don't have much to comment on or add because you were really understanding, it was nice to read! Thank you for that supportiveness.

    Yeah, I mean like everyone is their own self. So, like of course I have differences with her. Like we don't necessarily share much in common though, whether that is the music we listen to or other general hobbies/interests. We've both acknowledged that we are quite opposite to each other like I'm on the more introverted side of things whilst she's on the extraverted side for example. Nothing wrong with that ofc. I don't judge people, I like everyone important to me just for who they are and she is a real bright spark of a person to have as a friend I'd think. Like she's very chatty and like jokey in a way. Smiles a lot etc. Interacts with pretty much anyone I guess. I think because I'm not so much on that side of being happier and full of positive energy, it makes it difficult for me myself to believe I'd be a good person to be around for her as much as I love what she's about. She does bring a better side out of me too, like if i have a good day... she definitely contributes to it. Her happiness/personality spreads I guess.

    I'm not sure how it affects the friendship tbh. Good question. I'd definitely say it does affect it though. Like on her end I couldn't say ofc. But from me, i fear she doesn't want much to do with me. I think she's okay with who she knows etc. So, I'm not necessarily somebody she wants to get to know. That's how I feel about it I guess. It's complicated for sure. Hard question but thanks for asking it!

    Telling someone about self harm is difficult obviously. It's not something you want people to know. I definitely don't need my family knowing that's for sure. I'd be okay with a good friend knowing if it was someone like her who I really trust. Somebody I feel comfort in you know. She doesn't want me to share the secret of it so I'm not going to tell her. As well as it might be a relief that somebody else in your life knows about your self harm, I also consider it's something that for the person you tell... it might be difficult for them to deal with. So, it's a tricky one. You don't want the person you tell to feel pressured or overwhelmed by a difficult subject like this. Hence, currently i remain isolated in keeping it to myself. I'm glad I can talk about it here, it means a lot. Last few days have been tough but this has brought me some relief.

    I just want to be there for her so much because I feel like there's something she can tell me and maybe feels comfortable to say but just can't find the courage or confidence to do so. I just want her to see me as someone who really cares to be there for her because she's like the best thing to happen to me in so long and i don't meet that many people so I really wanna try and not lose her.

    Thank you so much for the additional links. I've already read the Mixs and NHS one which helped me have the confidence to try and open up in the first place. It gave me an idea of what I might say. I'll read through that third link for sure. Thanks for the resource! I'm not going to be able to tell this friend, at least for now. Maybe in the future if we're closer and known each other much longer. But not any time soon with her.

    I'm absolutely clueless about what I'm going to do. How would I go about things. I'm just so worried and scared. I don't even get much chance to talk to her. I'm really doubting she'll reply to my texts before I see her on Friday. And in a working environment I won't get the opportunity to just tell her I appreciate her etc. I've been thinking that it's the least I want to do. Just tell her that I appreciate her and i like what she's about in person face to face. That way she might actually believe it because maybe she doesn't think it's real whenever I've said it in a message. I'll admit I'm a bit different at work for sure because of the people around me. I'd love to just talk on the phone if I could. I don't really do phone calls and I'm anxious but a phone call would be cool because she would actually hear it from my voice that I appreciate her and think she's great etc! That's next best thing I guess if i can't say in person. Just to have a more 1 on 1 conversation and have the chance to say what you want to say.

    Sometimes I feel like giving up. Feeling like she's okay with who's around her so why should i be a bother or a burden you know? What if she's only texting me every so often just because we see each other at work. Maybe she isn't really interested in being friends but doesn't want to tell me because its hard to say? Just like doubts and overthinking stuff you know?

    Would you text her and ask if she'd feel comfortable talking on the phone someday? It would be like something along the lines of I'd love to speak to you on the phone one day as nervous as I am just to have a chat with you. Nothing serious, I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you and so on. Just so you hear it from me instead of it being written in a text. I just really wanted you to actually hear it from me. I'd rather say it to you in person face to face because that's where it can be the most meaningful but at work I barely get to talk to you and its not somewhere you can necessarily have a 1 on 1 chat with everyone being around you know? So a phone call is the next best thing in my mind. If not and you just want me to leave you alone then just tell me!
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 4,933 The Mix Elder
    Hey @Waffler

    You are more than welcome. Kindness is the very least you deserve. I am really glad to hear you feel supported.

    You have done such a great job in recognising that although you have differences with her, everyone is their own self and differences are okay. It sounds really positive that she brings a better side out of you too - if you have a good day, she definitely contributes to it and her happiness/personality spreads.

    It sounds difficult that this sometimes means it is difficult for you to believe you would be a good person to be around for her though. Would you like to share more with us about what makes you feel this way? We are here for you if you would like to share more with us.

    You have shown so much courage by recognising that although self-harm is a difficult topic for you to talk about, there are some people you would be more/less happy with talking to about it. For example, you feel more comfortable talking to a good friend about self-harm because you feel you can really trust and find comfort in your good friend.

    You have also shown such a clear awareness of boundaries and this is something you are still trying to protect and maintain with your friend. It is really positive to hear that although you don't feel able to talk to your friend about the self-harm at the moment, you are considering telling her at a later date and do feel comfortable talking to us about it at the moment and when times are difficult you feel you have places you can go to and trust.

    It has been a little while since you posted now, so I am just wondering, how are things going for you at the moment? I can hear you were having doubts and overthinking at the end of last week. We are here for you if you would like to share more with us.

    Please keep us updated on how you are feeling, we are all here for you :)
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  • _Tech_Addict_Girl_Tech_Addict_Girl Posts: 1,489 Wise Owl
    Hi :) Welcome to The Mix I am 18 I love listening to music and sometimes watching Netflix when I find something that I like. I am currently watching 13 reasons why.

    I would like to let you know that you could talk about anything on here and we won’t judge you we will support you best we can.

    I’m really sorry you haven’t had that before with someone maybe you will find some friends on here ☺️Because I definitely know I have some friends on here one of them that stand out to me is @Brookee ❤️

    Could you maybe explain about what you mean about bubbler side and etc so I can understand and help you a bit more?

    I am trying my best to help I hope it all works out for you soon ✨

  • WafflerWaffler Posts: 10 Settling in
    Hello! @Laura_tigger82 & @_Tech_Addict_Girl

    I appreciate your responses! It's kind of you both to make a comment and be supportive. Thank you. Really.

    Yes, music is art! It helps us all a lot I think. Even if it is as a distraction to what is going on in our lives. Kind of like watching Netflix etc. By bubblier side, I just meant that she shows a more upbeat persona. She's bright and has lots of positive energy. Just a happier personality where as I'm the opposite. Like I'm not that happy 90% of the time. I'm quite low energy and maybe even just boring and I'm also easily quiet. I accept that sometimes and it's just how I am. How I'll always be. She sets a nice example though and gives me hope I guess because it's like I could learn a thing or two and look up to how someone is doing their best to show cherriness. She's younger than me by a year or 2 so, she's good with how things are in her life and tbh it's not my place to get in the way. Gives you hope I guess to meet people like this in your life. Including anybody in this mix comment I've interacted with.

    I just think it's so unfair when you share something serious with someone like self harm. It just doesn't feel right and I can't justify it. It doesn't sit well with me that if I tell someone close, it'll just make them worry you know. How can I be good for someone if I'm stressful and i worry them. Like i wouldn't necesserily offer much to the friendship would I? I guess I feel this way because I care too much about others to not hurt them in any way possible. So, I'll think of them before me. Sure, maybe it'll help me if I share what's going on but i don't care enough to prioritse myself. Instead, I think first how it's going to affect them and it will have some impact that person definitely, especially if they care about you a lot. In the end, the price is too high to pay in my head. It makes it really hard to get close with anyone because of how I am. It's complex but that's how my brain works.

    If I'm honest, at the moment things aren't going well. But thank you for asking. Things with that girl aren't going to work out because we don't talk enough to be able to make a strong bond or connection. We barely text and it's hopeless tbf. I let her know to have a good week at college and that if she ever needs me, then I'm always a text a way. I doubt she'll say much or even bother checking soon which is fair enough. In general, I've always felt alone and gotten lonelier I guess so, I'm used to it.

    How are things going for both of you and whoever reads this? I hope they're much better than what things are like with me.

    I don't know if there's anything you can say that will change it. Like I appreciate the supportiveness, it means a lot for real but I've lost nearly all hope and motivation is super low. Thanks for trying to give any advice in advance. Much love people ❤
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