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If anyone can relate, pls give ur advice
KikiDee
Posts: 3 Newbie
Hi,
It's been a rough couple of weeks.
I just explained to one of my teachers in school that I would be moving next year. He was surprised, because I just moved into this school a year ago. When I told him where I'll be going, he criticized my choices. The criticism is more of laughed. His lack of support really messed at my confidence, it made me depressed as I really did feel that moving to this school will be good for me. He asked me why I'll move and I told him that it's because that I'm struggling with the curriculum and studies.
He didn't believe me. He responded that I'm one of the few 'top' students, and my high grades say otherwise. The truth is, I've been struggling a lot and my coping mechanisms are equally as messed up. The reason I get high grades is because my study efforts are heavily pushed by anxiety and the fear of failure, it messes with my mood and energy in long term. At this point, it's normal for me to get depressed and self-harm because of both the stress of moving and school. The self-harm isn't serious though, only minor injuries. I guess teachers will not believe that you're struggling until you fail classes.
In addition to this, I just came out as bisexual (or at least bi-curious) to my parents. We live in a conservative country, and my confession was quickly turned down with denial and invalidation. They say that I'm confusing my feelings of attraction with admiration. Maybe they're right or wrong, but it did kinda hurt. I self-harmed because of that incident too. I couldn't handle the negative feelings anymore.
As for the possibility of clinical depression, to be honest I don't know. Mostly because I don't know what depression is supposed to feel like, so I'm not sure about my feelings. I don't really feel happy or sad, but mostly neutral. Sometimes the mere thoughts of everything that's going on pulls me into an episode of sadness and dread, but weirdly short periods of high energy sometimes happens throughout the day and I feel happy? It's pretty unstable.
Anyway, pls give ur opinions and advice if you have some. I thought about talking to a professional, but I just don't think that'll really help. It's difficult for me to trust and open up to someone, so I fear that it'll be futile and waste of effort.
mod edit: removed physical description of self-harm
It's been a rough couple of weeks.
I just explained to one of my teachers in school that I would be moving next year. He was surprised, because I just moved into this school a year ago. When I told him where I'll be going, he criticized my choices. The criticism is more of laughed. His lack of support really messed at my confidence, it made me depressed as I really did feel that moving to this school will be good for me. He asked me why I'll move and I told him that it's because that I'm struggling with the curriculum and studies.
He didn't believe me. He responded that I'm one of the few 'top' students, and my high grades say otherwise. The truth is, I've been struggling a lot and my coping mechanisms are equally as messed up. The reason I get high grades is because my study efforts are heavily pushed by anxiety and the fear of failure, it messes with my mood and energy in long term. At this point, it's normal for me to get depressed and self-harm because of both the stress of moving and school. The self-harm isn't serious though, only minor injuries. I guess teachers will not believe that you're struggling until you fail classes.
In addition to this, I just came out as bisexual (or at least bi-curious) to my parents. We live in a conservative country, and my confession was quickly turned down with denial and invalidation. They say that I'm confusing my feelings of attraction with admiration. Maybe they're right or wrong, but it did kinda hurt. I self-harmed because of that incident too. I couldn't handle the negative feelings anymore.
As for the possibility of clinical depression, to be honest I don't know. Mostly because I don't know what depression is supposed to feel like, so I'm not sure about my feelings. I don't really feel happy or sad, but mostly neutral. Sometimes the mere thoughts of everything that's going on pulls me into an episode of sadness and dread, but weirdly short periods of high energy sometimes happens throughout the day and I feel happy? It's pretty unstable.
Anyway, pls give ur opinions and advice if you have some. I thought about talking to a professional, but I just don't think that'll really help. It's difficult for me to trust and open up to someone, so I fear that it'll be futile and waste of effort.
mod edit: removed physical description of self-harm
Post edited by JustV on
2
Comments
I'm sorry that your teacher treated you like that. You are very brave for opening up and reaching out for support. I am sorry to hear that your parents do not understand your sexuality. It must be very hard for you to be misunderstood and hurt by your own family.
Your mental health is important and you've done very well by prioritising it. You don't have to deal with it alone and there many options of support available. Have you ever called childline 0800 1111 or Samaritans 116123? They might be able to offer some confidential help. My friend has bipolar and he sometimes feel like having high energy but for most of the time he is depressed. Yet I cannot say for sure what your problem is because I am not a professional, just someone with depression and depression manifests itself in different people differently.
I talked to a medical professional in the past and it did help me for some time by putting the support in place. I think it is worth trying.
Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
It must have been such a disorienting experience to talk to this teacher, to open up about your plans, only to be met with disagreement about such a huge life decision. Especially when you've clearly given this a lot of thought and are confident in your choices. On top of this to know that you are achieving high grades at the cost of feeling mentally healthy and happy must be a very heavy burden because you're caught in this limbo of being praised for doing well academically, yet you know in yourself that the anxiety and pressure is only increasing every day. That must be such a scary place to be in right now. To me, it sounds like you're trying to make decisions about your future that will actually support your wellbeing, which is beyond fantastic, I'm wondering if you wanted to tell me a bit more about what makes you excited about the prospect of this new school?
In terms of the bisexual (or bicurious) point, I think it's beyond awesome that you were brave enough to talk to your parents, as having this convo can be immensely daunting for anyone, let alone when you're having to be aware of the conservative country you're in. I can't even begin to imagine how upsetting and invalidating it felt to hear that response from your parents, especially after showing such bravery about your feelings. I'm sure this doesn't make considering your own sexuality any easier now, and I want to share that I am proud of you, no matter what!
I can hear how uncertain you're feeling at the minute, especially after such a barrage of mental anguish all at once. I think it's wonderful that you're thinking of how to cope more easily even if you're not sure of how to gain that. It sounds like your reluctance about going to a professional makes a lot of sense, and I was wondering if you could talk a bit more about it before I try to give more advice on how to help?
As Kate has already linked, I fully support the use of services like Samaritans if you feel ready for that
I will also just pop the BeYou project down here as well just in case you were wanting to read a bit more about sexuality or just get a bit of support with that side of things :
https://thebeyouproject.co.uk/resources/
Thank you for reaching out and opening up, you are fully supported in the mix.
Im sorry your teacher responded to you in that way, I understand that it may have made you question your judgement about whether moving is the right decision for you. You know your situation better than anyone and you know what feels right for you. It’s amazing that you are making a decision for yourself that will benefit your mental health despite the difficulties.
Opening up to your family about your sexuality and then being invalidated must have been a painful experience, I’m so sorry you went through that. Some people find it hard to get their head around sexuality other than heterosexuality because that’s all they’ve experienced. Whether your feelings of the same gender are just admiration or if they are attraction, it’s not fair to just assume it isn’t real. You will understand which of the two it is over time, but everything you feel is completely valid and real.
I’m sorry to hear about your mental health. It’s so good you came on here in search of other ways to cope, this website is an amazing support network. As the others have already said, Samaritans is a good service to use to be able to speak to someone about how you are feeling.
Sending lots of love
Niamh🤍