Failed Social Life Because Of Intolerance To Smoking / Still Can't Find Any Belonging In Society

Former Member

Hi all, I understand this really isn't a relevant topic for me to post about, it relates to Nottingham because this is where I grew up all my life, it relates to all my whole experience in this city and all my experience everywhere on the internet on every social media site and all sites/apps everywhere on the internet in general, I would appreciate any advice on how I can find friends as a 23 year old that is soon to be 24 in July on the 5th, since I have grew up in this city I have never had any hope at all from college and any youth clubs with finding any friends at all, I grew up all my life as a loner without no friends, the reason why I have never been lucky enough to have any friends is because I don't smoke or drink and have no interest in ever getting drunk, I've always been intolerant to the smell of cigarettes and weed, I cannot bare being around or near people when they are smoking, this has always been the reason why no one has ever found me interesting, why everyone thinks I'm weird and boring and why no one has ever liked me, at this age with still being friendless I feel like my life is wasting away into dust very fast and it's too boring for me being stuck alone 24/7, because I cannot tolerate the smell of cigarettes and weed this is what has always made me feel isolated in society since the day I was born, school and youth clubs wasn't just the only communities I was rejected and bullied by, I have always had to deal with the same verbal and emotional grief from my family too, all just over because I can't stand smoking I've always had to grow up being emotionally tortured by them all being told that as a girl wanting to transition to a boy I am not fit enough to be a man and do not have what it takes to be masculine and manly enough for being endorsed as a valid guy, people do not see me as valid enough to be a guy because apparently I am not masculine enough since I cannot tolerate the smell of cigarettes and weed, this is the only reason why I have always been bullied all my life and never been successful with finding people who will like me and would find me interesting enough to be friends with me, if I was to ever find any friends at all while I am still this young I can't help but feel that I highly doubt that I will find any from Nottingham or anywhere online since it's always been the same everywhere online too, I am clueless on what to do to break out of this situation of being stuck as a loner, while there is probably other loners somewhere in this world and while they might not mind living that lifestyle, it's never been a lifestyle that I have ever enjoyed or appreciated and is certainly not a lifestyle that I want to stay stuck in, it's just a shame that I have never came across any people in existence that are on the exact same page as me regarding being intolerant to smoking, it sucks that I have always been rejected, singled out, bullied, hated by society and isolated all my life because of this.

Former Member

Hi @Mitchall

I am so so sorry that you have experienced this horrible situations in your social and home life. I am 22 and have also always hated smoking so have never done it. I am fortunate enough to have found friendships based on common interests. It is so scary reaching out to people especially at this age it feels more daunting but putting myself out my comfort zone is the only way I have been able to build friendships that I then feel comfortable in. I understand this may not be something you feel confident in doing since you have had negative experiences like this in the past. However, I find speaking to the people sitting next to me to be the first step into a friendship, then finding common ground through doing that. It also helped that I went to Uni so was able to build friendships based on us all having the same passion (psychology). I have also built friendships at my work, since you spend so much time together it is easier to build friendships, this may be an option for you? My friend from work has a Pug, I love dogs so this became a common interest that eventually formed a friendship. Another option could be joining an online group for something you are passionate about.

I am so sorry your family have treated you that way, there is no rules for how a man should/shouldn't behave. Their points are not valid and you do not have to fit into a box. Are there any trans communities you could reach out to? Some of them may be in a similar situation to you. Even going out and doing activities you enjoy by yourself, although it may seem challenging, could find you people with similar interests. Smoking and drinking are not the only factor in a friendship (they do not even need to be a factor), friendships are all about shared values/interests.

I hope this helps

Former Member

Hi thank you for all your efforts in this detailed response, I already have a dog, he's getting on a bit now, also I have already tried these methods you suggested but all the people I have came across all smoke and the ones that don't also find me boring and weird just because I refuse to stand near and around people when they are smoking, because it's always been that bad where I cannot stomach the smell of tobacco and weed at all, I always jump straight in the shower every time I come home which people also find strange about me, I am also not in employment I am still in education and I've been in college since 2014 all the way up to now and I have never had no hope with finding any friends at all from college nor any youth clubs, unfortunately it's always been the same scenario everywhere online too.

I have also tried trans communities and I have always experienced hostile vibes from other trans men, also all the ones I have came across are all smokers.

Former Member

Hi there @Mitchall I am sorry to hear about your tough time finding friends. I can only imagine how isolating of an experience this must be for you and I thank you for your courage to explain what you are going through. You mentioned that you go to college and I know that at my college they have lunchtime clubs available for students who may be feeling a bit lonely to go and have a chat with their peers and make new friends. I am wondering if this may be a good option for you if your college also has similar clubs available? I would also recommend looking into volunteering in your area if you think you have a few hours to spare each week. I don't like to stereotype but often I find that people who do volunteering tend to be more on the "innocent" side and don't often use alcohol or drugs as a way to past time so perhaps this would be a good opportunity to find people who are more like yourself. Volunteering roles could include working at a local charity shop, a library or a hospital. I hope this helps

Former Member

Hi Katie I really appreciate all your efforts into reaching out to me here and I am really grateful for all your support here, sadly the college's I was at didn't provide those type of groups and I am not in college anymore do to there not being any courses available that have other students that are in their 20s, all the college's I was at only had 16-19 year olds and I don't feel comfortable being around people in that age bracket, I only feel comfortable being around other people in their 20s like myself, I like the idea of volunteering, but at charity shops all the people there are in their 40s-70s etc, there's no other people in their 20s that volunteer at charity shops, the library's here have people in their 20s but they don't offer volunteer opportunities or host any social groups otherwise this would of helped me a lot, it's just Nottingham that is the problem no opportunities have ever been available in this city.

Kate_20

@Mitchall Would you like to check out teaching as a volunteer? You may find information on the internet and there are large organisations which can offer you excellent opportunities to help kids from disadvantaged background. I've seen some in Nottingham. There are people of all age groups who love to help kids. You can make friends who are in their 20s as well. You can choose a time which is suitable for you. You can socialise with other volunteers and it is easy because you can simply talk about the progress the kids made or if you are worried about any of them. I am sure you can be a compassionate teacher because you know how frustrating it is to be isolated.

Former Member

Hi Kate thank your for all your efforts with your detailed response I really appreciate this idea, but I have no interest in teaching and working with children, this has not something that has ever interested me and I don't have the confidence to do so as I struggle bad with my self esteem, I also never want to have children of my own either, parenting is not a lifestyle that interests me and not a lifestyle that I will be able to enjoy, this is also why teaching isn't for me and why dating also isn't for me either, but I appreciate your recommendation though.

Laura_tigger82

Hi @Mitchall,

You have shown a lot of strength in reaching out to us. We always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out. It sounds like you are doing a great job at trying to make friends, despite some of the difficulties you have experienced with making friends previously. We're here to listen if you would like to share more with us.

I am hearing you say it has been tough for you trying to make friends. You are doing really well at reaching out to us today and still trying to make friends. From what you have said, some of the main difficulties you feel you have experienced is that you don't like smoking or alcohol. It is good to be yourself and diversity matters.

Would you like to tell us more about your current interests? They are usually community members who share similar interests to yourself. Similarly, there might be things you can take part in face to face which incorporate your interests. Your interests can be as unique as you want them to be as long as you enjoy them and they make you happy.

It sounds like you have also experienced some difficulties with your family though. That sounds really tough and understandable why you are struggling. You say that you have received verbal and emotional grief from your family. Would you like to tell us a bit more about what verbal and emotional grief from your family looks like to you? We would like to listen to you and support you the best we can.

We are really proud of you for being who you are. We have noticed that you have said this has not always been easy, especially with some of the emotional torture you have grown up with. Please take your time in talking to us about how you are feeling and know it is ok to share as much or as little as you currently feel comfortable with but we are here for you if you want to talk to us about this and are ready to talk to us about this.

We have also recognised that it sounds difficult that it is the same reasons you feel you have been bullied and emotionally tortured by the people around you. We want to tell you that we think you are awesome and really proud of you for being yourself. We also recognise that this sounds really difficult for you though. We are here for you and you don't have to face this, or anything else, alone if you don't want to.

It sounds like the main thing you are struggling with at the moment is feeling lonely and having difficulties making friends. One option for further support with this is The Mix's article 'I want to make some new friends' (https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/i-want-to-make-some-new-friends-3322.html). This article shares some top tips for making friends. Another article option that includes tips for making friends is Childline's (https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/friends-relationships-sex/friends/top-tips-making-friends/).

Please also remember that we are here for you though and listening to you. Please don't hesitate to let us know if we can do anything else to support you but I know you were mainly looking for advice for making friends in this instance

Former Member

Alcohol doesn't bother me at all, I just cannot tolerate smoking at all it makes me want to throw up and I usually always take a shower straight away every time I get home because I always smell tobacco and weed in my hair and on my clothes from other people smoking that are loitering around and those that walk towards me or are walking past or behind me from all the time when I am outside and everywhere, I sometimes drink alcohol such as beer and cider but I only have the non alcoholic versions of them because using alcohol to get myself drunk is not something that interests me and not something I would want to try either hence why I only drink all the non alcoholic sister beverages of the alcohol family.

My family have always emotionally verbally bullied me by being transphobic telling me that I don't have what it takes to be a man and that I won't be valid enough as a man unless I didn't have a problem against smoking, my family have treated me the same as all the people that have bullied me in terms of verbally.

All my Hobbies and Interests range from -
Gaming
Gym/Fitness
Studying
Shopping
Board Games / Card Games
TV/Movies/Cinema
Playing Pool
Long Walks / Long Bike Rides
Running
Basketball / Parkour
Travelling/Exploring

Because the list will be endless it's easier to say I have always been open to and always enjoyed trying out different and new stuff too.

I am Half Italian and I grew up British only around my British family, I have just started studying the Italian language because on top of half of my ethnicity being Italian I have always been fascinated by Italy in general and have always wanted to explore the country so I can get to know the Italian half of myself better.

I have always known how to make friendships I have just always been rejected by people just because I refuse to tolerate smoking and refuse to be near or around it and everyone finds that weird and they think I'm boring.

It would be nice to make friends with people who have similar hobbies/interests to me from that list, I am always down for talking with people face to face too, but I don't know if i will ever be lucky enough to find any friends from this website because I don't know if anyone here finds me interesting enough to want to know me and I don't know if people use this website to make friends or if this is just a website people use just to get advice.

I am really grateful for all your time and efforts in this detailed response and I really appreciate all your advice, I hope your day is going well.