Help me get more informed!

Former Member

Hey everyone,

I'm a 21 Y/O Autistic Student in my final year at Uni; after a few years of personal issues, my life right now is much better, but there's still a few things that I need advice or just some input over--especially around relationships and sex (thats why we're all here, after all).

Being my last year at university, I kind of feel like time is running out for me, when it comes to finding something more than just a casual, FWB (Friends with benefits) situation. I'm going out a lot more, to parties and socials, and I'm also doing online dating (AGAIN). A lot of my friends are in, or have been, in at least one relationship in their lives; at parties there's talk about exes and current partners, and I kind of feel like I'm being left behind. I'm losing my patience with it all, so its becoming tough to stay positive about my chance at finally being 'taken'.

Its in this situation that I'm talking to a girl. We met on Hinge, and things have been going well--especially in comparison to the other girl I was talking to, until recently; she finds me funny, and texts come easy. But, a week or two before our first date (we haven't been able to meet up ealier because reasons), theres been moments where I'm confused with some of the things she's said.

The first thing is her self-proclaimed 'Pickiness' about partners; while there's nothing wrong with sticking to standards and having your personal preferences, I'm a big believer in standards being reasonable, and at least aware of the fact that not all criteria will be met.

So, is "Pickiness" a 'red flag', and how big of a 'red flag' is it?

One of her must-haves in her ideal partner is that their political beliefs much essentially match her own: She insisted on me telling her my voting history, and whether I am a feminist. I've always thought that talking about politics when dating is a bit of a no-no, because its boring and somewhat irrelevant when it comes to the situation at-hand, the date itself--where the focus is on you and them being compatable and attracted to one another, not about whether the latest political election in iraq is vindicative of the current climate!

Is her insitsting on me telling her my political beliefs a 'red flag'?

And then, there was our discussion about Casual and Serious relationships--I'm still struggling to comprehend what it means to be in a Casual Relationship. She asked me if I'd like something casual, I said sure, so when I asked her if she would be up for sex after our date, she rejected it, saying that she'd like to know me more; we've been talking since late January. Its a difficult one for me to understand, probably because of my autism.

As far as I'm aware, something casual is about sex without attachments--doing it without any commitments. So, to me, when she said that she'd like to more me more first, I was confused, because I associate that more with the process of finding something serious--NOT CASUAL.

So, my question is, is there something more to Casual, FWB relationships outside of sex? Whats the difference between casual and serious relationships?

Thanks for all of your help!

Former Member

Hey @LowTrekker

First of all welcome to The Mix, it's a pleasure to meet you, and thank you so much for sharing what you're going through right now. I honestly think that red flags will change from person to person, and you should feel comfortable about what is being discussed whatever person you're speaking to. If this is a concern for you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, then maybe this is a so called red flag personally for you, and that's more than okay. I know we can feel pressured from society to be in a relationship that lasts by a certain age or have your life mapped out but you're still very young, and your journey and pace will be different to someone else and that is perfectly okay!

Also, I again think that casual status of relationships is something that varies greatly from one person to the next, so your definition of casual relationships is probably different to theirs. If you're worried or feel unsure, if you feel comfortable, it may be helpful to speak to them about what they think a casual relationship entails and see if it is in line with what you're looking for right now. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be involved in something that makes you happy and is within your boundaries and comfort. Some people may see casual relationships as friends with benefits, meaning they want to be your friend too and get to know you, whereas others may see it more as just sexual relations with someone they know and that's it.So it may be important to find out what their idea of this is for your own benefit.

As far as I'm aware serious relationships tend to be something where you get to know the other person (or people) in more depth, build a strong connection and have a longer term plan of staying together. Of course, this will probably vary from one relationship to the next. I hope this is helpful and thank you for reaching out! We're always here if you ever need anything

Azziman

On being picky, I think it's a balance - of course, you have to be reasonable in your expectations, but there are certain red lines that we'll all have and it's important not to disregard those. It's very uncommon for someone to proclaim they are picky though, you can usually figure it out without them needing to tell you, so that is a bit of a surprise imo.

On the politics note, that would put me off personally, especially before you've even met! I understand why - having shared values and goals is important for relationships, and it might cause tension if you were on polar opposites on lots of issues. But demanding your voting history is definitely excessive, in my opinion anyways. The main thing at this stage is whether you get on and like each other, things like this naturally unravel later in the relationship. I think you're right to be cautious about it.

Just my thoughts, but hope this helps x

Former Member

Azziman wrote: »

On being picky, I think it's a balance - of course, you have to be reasonable in your expectations, but there are certain red lines that we'll all have and it's important not to disregard those. It's very uncommon for someone to proclaim they are picky though, you can usually figure it out without them needing to tell you, so that is a bit of a surprise imo.

On the politics note, that would put me off personally, especially before you've even met! I understand why - having shared values and goals is important for relationships, and it might cause tension if you were on polar opposites on lots of issues. But demanding your voting history is definitely excessive, in my opinion anyways. The main thing at this stage is whether you get on and like each other, things like this naturally unravel later in the relationship. I think you're right to be cautious about it.

Just my thoughts, but hope this helps x

Thank you! Here's an update for you, if you're interested (TL;DR--I called it off because it became intense)

Unfortunatley, I decided to call it off with here before our first date--a few weeks after this message. It got to a point where the intensity of it all made it off-putting; they were constantly questioning me and insisting that I answer their questions. Even when I made jokes that they didn't get, they'd make the situation more uncomfortable by asking me to explain what I meant--one such moment was the breaking point, when they then went on to lecture me on how "men can't say X because they can't make Y funny", and even after I apologised they wouldn't let it go and move the convo on. Their texts assumed that my joke was intentionally meant to be something that it wasn't, and they tried to convince me so, but when I was honest about me feelings and said that I felt like they were gaslighting me, she laughed it off and dismissed it--which kind of opposed her whole persona of being highly aware and considerate of people's feelings and identity.

In the end, it suprised them that I called it off, because they themselves were victims of gasighting before, and my action sort of proved it (in their mind) that they now doing that--a shock to them I guess. I told them that i would never be able to meet their expectations, and how their constant questioning felt like an invasion of privacy at times. While I don't mind people asking me questions about things, I told them that theres a way to go about it: For me, its how you do it is key.

It was a shame, because there were good moments and natural conversations, and their devotion to their beliefs and political leanings is commendable. But, it just felt like she was too inflexible and saw the world through her politicallly charged lens.

Did I act unreasonably? What do you think of my choice?