What helps you set boundaries with your family?

Aoife

Hey everyone,

Family relationships can be difficult and it's important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries with whatever behaviour upsets you. I thought I'd start up a thread for everyone to share their advice for someone struggling with a difficult family relationship.

Comment below any advice you have

AislingDM

Such an important thread (I feel like I say this all the time haha!) I think a huge thing for me is accepting that despite wonderful advice from friends, from their own experiences, each family is different and so an approach that may work for them, could end up pretty poorly-received by mine.

Despite this, the best advice that seems to transcend most households, is setting boundaries can be easier when you start smaller. So, rather than saying 'mum this is my room, don't just barge in, you should knock', you can try to begin enforcing this boundary of your right to privacy by knocking on other people's doors in your family. Doing this can show others in real-time why this boundary is helpful and good for them too, thereby making it more likely that they will use it for you too in the future.

Former Member

Hey @Aife

I love this, it's such an insightful and important thread! I think it's really important to know that you have every right to put boundaries in place in any relationship, your safety and comfort is most important. Often it means others may be defensive of these boundaries because they don't correlate with their own, but that doesn't mean your boundaries matter any less. I agree with @AislingDM it can be a lot easier to put these boundaries in place when you start off small and gradually build them up can be really helpful. Particularly if you're in a family unit that often doesn't take note of what you want or need. Having your own privacy and safe spaces are very important, and you deserve to be safe and have a place of peace when you want alone time or you just need somewhere to cool down.

independent_

As an adult living at home, setting these boundaries has been very important for me. The privacy one is a big one, but I guess starting small is a good idea and set a good example. For example I always knock on other people’s doors too unless they’ve given me express permission not to, because I don’t want people just walking into my room without knocking.

I suppose you have to be honest if that works with your family. It’s helped me to say why I want things a certain way. One thing my dad used to do, he used to knock on my door before he was going to bed to shout goodnight, but he started going to bed later and later until a couple of times he was knocking my door at 1am or even later. Once I said why I didn’t want him to do that anymore he seemed to understand my reasoning. Maturity is important here. It’s not about being rude about it just up front about what you need.

That’s worked for a few things for me, even things like not opening parcels that have other people’s names on them.

But as the others said it’s hard to give specific advice because every family is so different, but in any case communication is the most important thing.

Past User

Probably worth mentioning that not everyone has the luxury of setting boundaries, especially if they're children. I had some shitty situations with my dad when I was younger, where I had to decide for myself that I wasn't going to put up with his alcoholism. As such I decided that my boundaries were that I wouldn't see him unless he stopped. However, my ability to do that was only made possible because my mum and other family members were very supportive. If say, I didn't have those people in my life, and living with my dad was my only option, then short of making myself homeless I would just have to put up with it.

Perhaps somebody could add some information regarding where to seek help If they're unable to set boundaries, as I have a few friends who could benefit from such advice.

On a more helpful note, honesty is always the best policy when it comes to people you feel like you can reason with - explain the cause and effect of what actions you'd like them to change. I.e. what they're doing and the negative ways that it impacts on you. This can serve to open a dialogue about it and make the issues more apparent to both of you. Then compromise if it's something you both need to work on. You also need to understand something might be difficult or habitual for them and take that into account. Within reason of course - there's no compromising when it comes to certain things like domestic violence. Then make sure to give them a reminder if you sense them slipping back into old behaviour.

If you're an adult, with a sustainable way to live, then your ultimate power is to decide that contact with someone isn't good for you, as difficult as that may be. A personal example I would give of this is one of my Aunties, who I tried for years to have an amenable relationship with. I didn't want to cause any family drama or schisms so I kept things as courteous as possible, but I was finding that our every interaction was making me low, anxious and angry. So I decided it best that we never have contact again. Once again, being honest with yourself and others about these realisations is the best way forward.

Laura_tigger82

Hi all,

In difficult relationships, as @Past User said, we recognise people can't always completely withdraw, unfortunately. For example, some of the implications could be even more difficult. Thanks for raising this important point @Past User. Though, safeguarding always comes first - you never have to (or should) compromise this.

Also, what is usually possible is allowing yourself to withdraw into another room after a set period with that person/those people. You can always have a safe haven somewhere else in the building. Additionally, try to remember that there are people who are there for you and who care about you who you can talk to and they will listen.

I think also talking openly where possible with your family about boundaries as often they can learn that their own boundaries aren't tight enough and it frees up the space for you to talk about your boundaries too!