Discussing taking a relationship further

One-in-a-million

Ok so I want to be really sensitive with how I approach this because I have been in situations which have left me feeling vulnerable and sometimes even now uncomfortable with being touched in certain ways.

I have never had a sexual relationship with anyone before, I’ve been in relationships but never really had that connection there. With the man I’m with now I do feel that connection and while I don’t think either of us are ready to take it all the way just yet. Having said that I do feel ready to be closer to him for example he is ok with giving me a hug, but we have never cuddled. For example when watching a film I felt like I wanted to be close to him. but not wanting to over step his boundaries in case he isn’t quite ready for it I wasn’t sure how to make a move as I felt being direct in saying “do you want to cuddle up.” May have come across as weird.

I’m also slightly but less concerned about my own reaction as I say I still get uncomfortable sometimes being touched in certain ways. Usually if I know it’s going to happen I’m ok with it but not all the time. Sometimes even if I consent to be touched as soon as someone does I sort of jump away.

I don’t really know how to bring this up without making him uncomfortable.

Laura_tigger82

Hi @One-in-a-million

Thanks for your post. You have been really brave in acknowledging your situation and how you are feeling.

Do you feel comfortable talking to him about this? It is really important if possible that you are both able to talk to each other about your expectations, hopes, and boundaries. By talking about it, you are able to negotiate the pace.

Of course, if you don't feel comfortable talking about it, that's perfectly ok too. It is just important that you know there are people you can talk to if you want to, and you can take this at your pace. How would you like to talk to him about it? What would feel most comfortable for you?

Former Member

This is a tricky subject @One-in-a-million and I can understand why you'd want to talk things through on here before making any decisions. Laura also gave some excellent advice and I'd like to echo what she's said about talking things through with your partner to make sure you're both on the same page about all this. If you feel up to reading a bit more about this The Mix has a great article about just this topic here. https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/talking-about-sex-with-your-partner-23053.html

That being said every relationship is different and I can't tell you the perfect thing to do in this situation, but I will say that you're never wrong for how you react to physical contact and even if you consent beforehand that does not mean you're not allowed to change your mind later. I'm sure you already know all this but it's worth bearing in mind anyway.

One-in-a-million

@Laura_tigger82 thank you for replying
I find it quite hard to talk to him about this, we have sort of touched on the subject but never had a proper conversation about it.

@Riley thank you for replying it’s definitely a tricky subject, it’s strange because a lot of people seem to just make subtle advances that seem to work but I feel we are both to shy to do things that way. Thank you for the link I’ll take a look at it ❤️

Laura_tigger82

Hey @One-in-a-million

You are more than welcome. I think you have been really brave in reaching out for support. The very least I could do is respond. I understand that you find it quite hard to talk to him about this, is there anything that would help you to feel more comfortable?