I went to my boyfriend’s on the weekend etc

Former Member

Hello guys

So while I was at my boyfriend’s house on the weekend I had a message from my friend saying some other student in 6form died on Friday at 5am he died in his sleep I mean I wasn’t that close to him and didn’t talk to him much but he was in my old class in key stage three and I just remember his voice and all that and started crying when the teacher announced it to my class.

The next thing is I stayed at my boyfriends house for one night and I thought I was sleeping with his sister so my mom let me stay there but it turns out I never slept with his sister because she goes to bed at 7 and I would have had to go to bed at 7 too.

So I just slept with my boyfriend before I went to his house my mom said I don’t want to be a Nan yet so I said I’m not going to do something stupid like that at my age I’m just 18 but when she found out that I slept with him she wasn’t very happy and told me to leave her alone she said your not going again:( .

I think she’s paranoid because she had my brother at 17 and she thinks I’ll do the same but not everyone does the same stuff but she don’t get that in her head I told my Nan she said I know you wouldn’t do something like that don’t worry.

He wants to come to mine this weekend but apparently his friends said they are all going to bowling so his going with them I feel like he is just not talking to me as much.

When I’m on a group call with his friends I just can’t get into the conversation I don’t know what to say my boyfriend just said join the conversation what they are talking about but I just can’t know what to say it’s just hard.
I just think they hate me because I don’t say anything 🥺

Former Member

Hey @_Tech_Addict_Girl

It's understandable that this has affected you, it's okay to feel what you're feeling, even if you didn't know them that well, it doesn't mean you can't feel grief around it. In terms of your boyfriend, it sounds like your mum isn't being very understanding. At the end of the day you are legally an adult now, and you're entitled to do what you please, I know it can be a really difficult situation to navigate with your mum, but is there anyway you can put your boundaries in place, and explain to her that you are actually an adult now, and you're allowed to sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend if that's your choice. I know this isn't completely stress free for you, so please don't feel like you have to. I just want you to know that your feelings are valid. It sounds like she's projecting a lot, and I'm glad that your nan is being supportive to you.

It makes sense that you feel worried that they don't like you given all you've been through in the past, but it seems as though they're happy to have you on the chat, even if you struggle to get involved. Have you been able to discuss this with your boyfriend at all? It may be helpful to let him know about your anxieties and why you're feeling this way. Of course, again, don't do anything that doesn't make you feel comfortable. I just want you to know that you're doing your best, and it can be hard to engage with people you don't know that well, and the fact you're trying by even getting on the group call is an amazing step!

Former Member

@Brookee Apparently she said I’m not a normal 18 year probably because I’m in a wheelchair and because I only started going to places and I shared a bed with him and I lied to her but I didn’t because I thought I was sleeping with his sister she’s making such a big deal out of it I’m 18 as you said I can do what I like but all We did was go to bed nothing else 😓 so she’s not letting him stay at mine which is evil she’s blaming the dogs and she’s not letting me go and meet his friends and go bowling and cinema

AislingDM

This sounds like such a stressful and difficult position to be put in by your mum. Whilst she's trying to look out for you, it really isn't coming out in the best way, especially given that you are 18 and able to make choices for yourself. You shouldn't be left feeling guilty by your mum's response or panicked that you've done something bad merely for sleeping with your boyfriend, something which is vey reasonable.

I can tell this has been stressing you out a lot which must be really overwhelming especially when you are now having further limitations placed on you by not being allowed to meet his friends and stuff like that! You frustration and upset in this situation makes complete sense, you really do not deserve to have your social life and choices decided fro you!

Have you been able to chat to your boyfriend about your annoyance and upset? Big hugs as always x

Former Member

@AislingDM Yes I agree I have messaged him about it he hasn’t responded yet and I can’t sleep the phone cut off we normally sleep on call 🥺I think we are really close and it’s just my mom ruining stuff x

Laura_tigger82

Hey @_Tech_Addict_Girl

Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out. I am really pleased to see all the wonderful support already provided by @Brookee and @AislingDM.

I am really sorry to hear another student has passed away. It is always upsetting to hear anyone has passed away, especially when they are a similar age to ourselves. I am just wondering, did your teacher share potentially useful resources with you for managing this? If not, I will share some potentially useful bereavement resources here, just in case you want to access them, and they might hopefully help:

- Cruse (https://www.cruse.org.uk/)
- Wiston’s Wish (https://www.winstonswish.org/)

I hope this helps. Please be gentle to yourself and kind to yourself at this difficult time. If you would like to talk about this further, please know this is a safe space and we will listen. However, some other useful resources for talking about this if it just gets a little too much include Shout, Samaritans, The Mix Helpline, and The Mix Crisis Messenger (if you feel it is needed!). Their contact details are as follows:

- Shout: Text SHOUT to 85258 (24/7)
- Samaritans: Call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- The Mix Helpline: Call 0808 808 4994 (4pm – 11pm, 7 days a week)
- The Mix Crisis Messenger: Text THEMIX to 85258 (24/7)

As @AislingDM said, you are 18 which means you are legally classified as an adult and can make your own choices. I am really sorry to hear your mum responded in this way. I am hoping it may be the shock of the situation changing. Do you feel comfortable talking to her about how and why it changed? Similarly, does your boyfriend's house have a sofa, mattress, or anything else you could sleep on in another room if you don’t feel comfortable sleeping with your boyfriend? Whatever you choose, please remember you have the right to choose.

In terms of opening up and talking to your boyfriend's friends, would you feel more comfortable if you could get to know them in smaller groups before talking with them in a whole group? I am just wondering if this could help you to feel more confident in talking to them as a group? It is understandable that you are quiet (and potentially nervous) around new people. Take this at your pace, and do what works for you, it doesn’t mean that they hate you at all! You are wonderful and I bet they agree.

We are here for you and listening to you! You don’t have to go through any of this or anything else alone if you don’t want to

Former Member

@Laura_tigger82 no the teacher never gave recourses but she said to use if you need to talk just email me or come and find me Thankyou for the recourses ❤️.

About my boyfriend I don’t mind sharing a bed it’s just my mom is so paranoid it’s like she is controlling what I do it actually annoys me when I try to talk she argues about it back it’s just my mom choosing for me 😫.
I just have a feeling I won’t see him again and that hurts but the thing is also she can’t stop me from seeing him he is my boyfriend and I love him lots.

If that is the case I don’t know how we are going to cope long distance for a long time I’ve told him please don’t let my mom come between us he said he won’t don’t worry he also wants to see me. His friends and him invited me to bowling and cinema this Saturday but she’s not letting me go because of patrol but she has enough patrol to go to the tip and go to work.

I said to her what about if he comes to mine and sleeps on the sofa she also said no to that her exuse was the dogs but he can be with me upstairs and then at bedtime he can go down and sleep on the sofa because my dogs sleep with my mom upstairs and she leaves the living room door shut so she really don’t have no excuse she’s just being mean 😓.
I also want his friends to see me because they will probably get to know me better in person but it’s just my mom and I’ll probably be less nervous in person it’s just hard on the phone.

Laura_tigger82

Hey @_Tech_Addict_Girl

Thanks for your response. I am glad your teacher is there for you if you want to talk to them (and feel comfortable doing so). Hopefully, the resources will also help if you would rather talk to someone externally about how you are feeling though.

Indeed, you are right, this situation is really tough for you. However, only you can make decisions for yourself, no one else can. You are 18, so you are legally an adult, and have all the same rights as any other adult. Are you able to go bowling in any other way? For example, public transport or another member of your group picking you up and taking you there? I am just wondering how you could get around it and still enjoy bowling and spending time with your boyfriend and his friends.

I hope it at least helps to talk it through and explore potential strategies. I believe you will be okay in the end but you deserve to feel supported through this

AislingDM

Thanks for getting back to us @_Tech_Addict_Girl I know you're in a hugely confusing and frustrated place right now, so I'm really grateful that you're keeping us in the loop

Having your mum go about telling you how to live your life, especially when you are confident in your relationship, your emotions and your choices, must be so exhausting. To feel certain in yourself is already a hugely cool place to be in, so when this is questioned by others that is definitely a horrid feeling!

This must be made even more draining and odd when you've tried so hard to come up with awesome solutions (like asking for him to sleep on the sofa) only to be met with your mum's disregard. It sounds like your feelings really aren't being taken into account in this situation, which is certainly not what you deserve at all.

I'm glad that your boyfriend is also feeling confident in your relationship and can provide you with reassurance that things really will be okay. Despite this, I know you're probably really keen to know how to be able to be happier in this situation, and not to be limited by your mum's opinions. I love @Laura_tigger82 's suggestions above, and I'm wondering if you can think of any ways that might make seeing your boyfriend easier? Can I ask, whether your mum has had the chance to really sit down and get to know him yet? (no pressure on these questions, take your time!) Huge hugs from us xxx