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Instrusive Thoughts
Creativeboy23
Posts: 277 The Mix Regular
Hello.
I feel most people pay more attention to me in a critical way. Whereas they are different with others. I have been having memories of these times.
At my university, my ex-mentor said I am a lovely student, but I am too hard on myself sometimes. A deputy additional learning support manager said to me she thinks she has to get someone to go through my strengths with me. A work placement manager was saying I should write my sentence in a better way so I am presenting myself in a positive light.
One of the youth workers at youth club said to me that I need to get involved in activities more.
As part of a Prince’s Trust Team Programme, I done a mock interview and a staff member said I need to mention my strengths more in a mock interview. After I finished an Emergency First Aid training course, a staff member was laughing with the rest of the group whilst I was behind, and then kept glaring over at my face because I was upset about a situation.
These experiences give me the impression that I am defined by my flaws. I understand that they were just trying to help, but it can feel critical.
I feel most people pay more attention to me in a critical way. Whereas they are different with others. I have been having memories of these times.
At my university, my ex-mentor said I am a lovely student, but I am too hard on myself sometimes. A deputy additional learning support manager said to me she thinks she has to get someone to go through my strengths with me. A work placement manager was saying I should write my sentence in a better way so I am presenting myself in a positive light.
One of the youth workers at youth club said to me that I need to get involved in activities more.
As part of a Prince’s Trust Team Programme, I done a mock interview and a staff member said I need to mention my strengths more in a mock interview. After I finished an Emergency First Aid training course, a staff member was laughing with the rest of the group whilst I was behind, and then kept glaring over at my face because I was upset about a situation.
These experiences give me the impression that I am defined by my flaws. I understand that they were just trying to help, but it can feel critical.
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Comments
Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out. I am really sorry to hear you have been struggling to process their feedback.
Sometimes, the feedback which is aimed at making us aware of our strengths and increasing our confidence is the feedback that mostly shouts "ugh, I can't even be confident". We hear you.
Are you able to talk to the Emergency First Aid trainer about why they laughed? That must have been really upsetting and definitely not how you deserve to be treated!
If it helps, we think you are awesome, and a great member of our community
Thank you for sharing this with us here.
Sounds like some good reflections on the way that this feedback has made you feel. You feel that they were trying to help, but that the comments can actually feel critical and like a focus on your flaws. I totally see why it can feel that way.
I'm wondering - can you think of any feedback that has focused on your strengths? Often, we remember and hold onto critical comments more than wholly positive comments. We also spot positive praise in others a lot easier than we do in ourselves. Sometimes it takes extra attention and reflection to notice these positive pieces of praise. But everyone deserves to be praised, without any mention of their flaws. So look out for these little pockets of sunshine
It could also be worth mentioning this with people that are going to give you feedback in the future. For example, if you are paired with a mentor in anything else, or get a new employer etc, you can mention how previous feedback, positive and negative, has seemed to focused on your flaws. You can explain how this makes you feel and how you'd appreciate direct comments about your strengths too. Simply having them change the way they phrase their feedback could help so much.
Also, I agree with Laura - you are awesome! We all have flaws, but here we are going to celebrate your many many strengths too
No problem.
Yes. I could not agree more.
You are mistaken. The rest of the group were not laughing at me. I was leaving college after finishing a First Aid Training course. The rest of group were laughing and having a conversation amongst themselves. Whereas, I was behind and was upset about a situation with one of the members. A staff member changed her facial expression when she looked over at me. She kept glaring over at my emotion on my face. This made me feel separate. Yes, it was really upsetting and I did not deserve it.
It is not bothering me now. I am just replying to your message.
Thanks for your compliment and being understanding. It has made me feel really good. Likewise.
Thank you for your compliment and being understanding.
I have got told that I work really hard and much more. I cannot remember my other strengths in my feedback. That is true.
Yes, I agree with you. That is a good point. I will do that.
Thanks for your response. I am really sorry for being mistaken. I am also really sorry to hear you felt separate, that must have been really upsetting. In fact, from my experience, I know it is upsetting.
I am proud of you for recognising it was a tough situation to be in and you did not deserve it. Did the staff member offer you any support?
If you want to talk about this or anything else further, please feel free to. We are always here for you and listening to you
I cannot quite remember. I am going to try to forget about it because I had had a great night at the youth club. But thanks for talking through my feelings with me. 😊😊
Thanks for your response. You are more than welcome, we are always here for you. Oh, I am really glad to hear you had a great night at the youth club! Was there anything, in particular, that you enjoyed about the youth club last night?
Sorry for the late response.
I introduced myself and spoke to some new people, played pool etc. I cannot remember exactly how it went now because the week has passed.
No worries at all. Please only reply when you want to. There's no pressure at all. I am glad you enjoyed spending time at the youth club though. Meeting people and playing pool sound particularly great
Thanks for your understanding. Yes, it certainly does.
Thanks for your response. You are more than welcome. Understanding is the very least we can provide! I hope you continue to make great memories at the youth club
I feel I can understand this. I am often hard on myself and have been told I need to smile more or need to be more confident/louder or need to socialise/get involved more. These comments have come from teachers and while I assume they think they are only trying to help, they did not realise that their comments actually made me feel worse.
What you say, about feeling that you are being defined by your flaws, is spot on. The problem with being autistic (I read another of your posts where you mentioned you were autistic) is that sometimes some people don’t really know much about autism and think that if you just focused on your strengths and get more involved, then you would have more confidence. While this can help, it is also true that by them trying to ‘help’ you, they are unknowingly confirming your fears- that you are defined by your flaws, need help and are also treated differently from others in your class/group.
At the same time, if you have ever struggled with things relating to autism, such as getting bullied, having no friends or other related issues such as learning difficulties, it may be that you have lower self-esteem and self-confidence as a result. When this happens, other people may be able to pick up on the fact that you don’t talk about yourself highly and then may encourage you to focus on your strengths more.
If you feel that you do have low self esteem then, I do agree that focusing on strengths can help, though I also think that developing self-esteem/confidence takes more than that. While I don’t necessarily think that you need to get involved in activities more, I do think it might help to think about what your interests and hobbies are and focus on spending more time on them. It might help to spend time focusing on things that interest you which will naturally bring out your strengths as opposed to doing things for the sake of it just because someone said you need to get involved or talk more about strengths.
As for mock interviews, there can be a big focus on strengths in general because it’s more about convincing the other person that you are right for the job/course etc. It’s more than just listing things you are good at but also providing evidence of how you are good at those things (such as describing a relevant situation that proves you are good at those things). It sounds like the person doing the mock interview felt you weren’t selling yourself and that might’ve been why they said to focus on strengths more (and also perhaps why your ex-mentor felt you were too hard on yourself, if you spend time focusing on the things that don’t go well for you). Although, if that’s not the case, it might just be that these people don’t know you very well and just judge you differently (not your fault at all!) rather than really get to know you and how you feel.
Hope this helps a bit
Thanks for reassuring me. It has helped.