Cancer

Former Member

So my mum has cancer, she’s had for around 6-7 years now so it’s nothing new. She’s also lost all the nerve endings in her legs and feet, meaning she can’t walk long distances etc… It was my birthday 3 days ago and we went out, which was ok, however i didn’t get a cake or anyone singing happy birthday to me. This made me upset because it’s a family tradition and we’ve always done it. I expressed these feelings to my mum yesterday and about how it’s made me upset, and she turned it around on her saying “i feel bad enough, stop trying to make me feel worse about it. You know i can’t go out like i used to, stop blaming me for this” and i feel so bad. But the thing is, she could’ve gone out and got a cake because she has a mobility scooter, my dad is always free. And idk if i’m overreacting about a birthday cake.

Laura_tigger82

Hi @ielsieo

Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out. I am sorry to hear your mum is struggling with cancer. It must be a really difficult time for both of you.

I am just wondering, have you managed to talk to your family about why the normal traditions weren't in place?

I can understand how this might be upsetting nevertheless when it is something you have been used to.

You are not overreacting! I hope you can have a big belated birthday cake. I would send you one if I could

Former Member

Hello @ielsieo,

First of all, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your mum having cancer, it must be a very hard time for you, and we’re always here for you whenever you need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out!

I know it can be hard when birthdays are disappointing or aren’t as great as you imagine they’ll be. I just want to say that your feelings are valid, and whatever you feel is okay. You’re allowed to feel upset about a tradition not happening, it’s perfectly okay and understandable to be upset and disappointed.

You’re not overreacting at all, your feelings are valid. Do you think there’s anyway your dad can go out and get you a belated birthday cake? Do you feel comfortable to discuss these feelings with him at all?

Sending you lots of love

Maisy

Hi there,

As the others have said, you're not overreacting about not having a birthday cake or having happy birthday sung to you. When it's something that's always happened, then it is going to hurt a bit when this suddenly stops happening.

It must be difficult on you and your family, particularly your mum, dealing with cancer. There's a chance that she feels guilty for not getting you a cake and not being able to go out like she used to (while mobility scooters are helpful for going out, not all shops can accommodate them). And sometimes anger can hide the guilt, which is why your mum didn't seem to be understanding when you expressed your feelings and why you felt bad afterwards. You are not overreacting for being upset about not having a cake and your mother isn't to blame either.

It sounds like it might be difficult trying to balance everyone's needs, but that doesn't mean you have to miss out completely. I definitely second maybe talking to your dad and asking for him to get you a belated birthday cake. Or to give you some money and you can pick your own cake. Or even buy ingredients and make a cake for yourself, if you want to. Your new cake could be a belated birthday cake and a peace offering to say you are sorry to your mum as well