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Still Don't Feel My True Self, Doctors Refuse To Take Me Seriously And Refuse To Support Me
Mitchall
Posts: 38 Boards Initiate
TW - Gender Reassignment Surgeries, NHS Waiting Times, Ableism, Discrimination, Gender Dysphoria, Seeking Love, Issues Around Sex, Sexual Feelings, Mental Health, Depression, Suicide Rates, Suicide Thoughts/Risk (Rant) -
Where do I start? 🤔 I have waited 4 years in total for life and self esteem saving surgery on the NHS that will rescue me completely from gender dysphoria and complete my transition so I will be able to continue normal life with self esteem like any cis man, at my consultation back in May 2018 with the surgeon team from "St Peter's Andrology Hospital" they told me back then it would just be 12 month wait in total until I get my surgery, down the line I was lied to and have been waiting 4 years in total, they don't understand how dangerous and acute this has really been on my mental health, I used to have acute suicidal thoughts and used to self harm before my chest surgery and I do not want to end up going back through this path,
I still havnt had the first stage of my phalloplasty yet and it's not good enough and unfair since I will be 24 in July, I ain't getting any younger, I should of had the first stage of the procedure started by now, I complained numerous of times to PALS but they didn't care at all, I even got an MP involved and the "St Peters Andrology Hospital Admin Staff" told me that if it wasn't for the lockdowns, I would of had my turn for the first stage of the surgery in April back in 2020, throughout these years I have put my life on hold due to no self-esteem, I have missed years of full time mainstream education in topic based courses because of how bad gender dysphoria has affected me, I have missed out on loads of essential opportunities, I feel that it's been impossible to get my life on track, I have always wanted a good education and I have career goals, but the only way I will be able to gain complete self esteem in myself is when I have had the first stage of my bottom surgery (phalloplasty radial forearm) as I feel once I have had the first stage of this surgery I feel that it would of already rescued me from gender dysphoria and I feel I will have the self esteem that I need to feel my complete true self,
I have always had a huge passion for fitness and sports, my favourite sports are basketball and dodgeball and parkour, I have always wanted to learn parkour and be in a professional basketball team, I have always dreamed of being able to stand to pee and use urinals just like cis guys can so I can feel my true self and feel normal, I have always wanted to make the most of my education with a few years at college on topic courses then always wanted to get into uni as my goal to pursue further mainstream education, aside from all this growing up I have always dreamed of and always wanted a girlfriend, but I have always found that impossible, since cis girls / cis women have never found me attractive and its always been hard to find cis girls / cis women who are into trans men and since I have never been on a date with anyone before I am getting bored of single life,
I watched too much tv shows and seen too many cis boys / cis men everywhere I go outside throughout all the years I've been growing up and all over social media who have got girlfriends, which makes me wonder when or if I will ever get a girlfriend since I am not a cis guy and I am a trans guy that still hasn't had the first stage of male genital surgery, I sadly still can't have sexual intercourse because I still have no penis, so how on earth I am supposed to be able to have sex until I get my penis I have no clue? it's always been a nightmare for me still without a penis since i have always had a high libido same as a cis male level, I have always had moments from time to time just like cis males where I feel the H word feeling at times, but because I still don't have a penis I feel that this is why being trans has always made it impossible for me to find a girlfriend, I feel that cis girls / cis women will only be into trans men if they have a penis, but if they haven't got one or are still waiting on the surgery for it, they won't be interested but this is all just my experience so far with all the cis girls / cis women I have came across as a trans guy, same from the experience I have had so far from all cis girls / cis women telling me that they prefer cis men because they think cis men are better at sex than trans men, all though relationships are not interesting / important to everyone, they are to me because I have always wanted a girlfriend since I was in nursery, this has always been one of my goals in life too, the list can probably go on in terms of many stuff I want from life and stuff I want to do,
I expressed to my GIC throughout all the years since I have been under their service that I knew I was born a boy trapped in a girls body when I was 4 years old, I have spent all years trying stress out how important it is to transition while I am still this young, I had my chest surgery when I was 18, since before my consultation for genital surgery and since I have been on the waiting list and throughout all these years I have pleaded with them countless of times how important it is for me to get my genital surgery (phalloplasty radial forearm) started while I am still round this young, currently I am 23 now, but I turn 24 this July the 5th coming its unrealistic how I still havnt had the first stage of my genital surgery, I know a lot of trans guys who are younger than me that had their first stage of their genital surgery when they were 20, a lot of these people were not even on the waiting list as long as I have been, at this rate due to the fact that I am still waiting at this rate it feels like I probably won't have it done until I am atleast 30 but there is no way I will be able to manage and mentally cope waiting all the way up until then, it's only right and fair I get it started while I am still round the age I am,
it's bitterly unfair and painful how I am still having to live half started but left unfinished, it feels like Im a tower, that's been built too short, my point is if they refuse to perform my surgery anytime this year when they re-start surgeries on people, they will be breaching against loyalty and professionalism since they admitted that it was already my turn for surgery in April 2020 if it wasn't for lockdown, I had to complain to PALS again because during lockdown the "St Peter's Andrology Hospital Admin Team" admitted that they were performing the first stage of the surgery on some patients, but all these patients were younger than me and I have been waiting a lot longer than these people, I feel that they used the lockdowns as their excuse to refuse me and used ableism against me just because I'm not neurotypical they refused to take me as serious as equal to everyone else and throw me under the bus by slamming me with sympathetic messages, when I raised this to the attention of PALS again, they told me that they are not in duty to assist with hospital disputes and ableism on behalf of transgender people,
I have already seen a lot of trans people set up go-fund me pages to raise for their surgery because of how harshly and triggeringly long the NHS wait list is, I have tried setting myself a go-fund me page numerous of times through the years but they never helped me at all, the bottom line is I feel that the psychiatrists and surgeons do know when each patients surgery will take place and how long they have to wait, the bottom line is they wont be blunt with you about this and they will expect you to come up with your own guess, my point here is I feel they are probably telling that I have another 4 more years to wait until they will agree to start my genital surgery (phalloplasty radial forearm) I feel that this is probably the case for me, i don't know about other people but they just refuse to tell me, but it's only fair and right that I get to know when my surgery will be, I feel that them not telling me when my surgery will be is also a way of them saying it's never going to happen while I am still this young unless I pay for it,
this feels exactly equivalent to forcing me to jump off a sky high cliff, the way they are treating me is like they want me to go to waste it's like they want me to throw my life down the toilet and end it, it's like they are enjoying seeing me suffer, my GIC psychiatrists were too quick in taking me seriously for my chest surgery when I was 18, but I don't understand why it's been like building a sand pit without using a bucket to convince them how essential and life saving it is that I get my genital surgerystarted while I am still this young, way before the pandemic ever began, it way so easy like picking a leaf off a tree to convince them about chest surgery but I don't see why they have a problem around me having genital surgery I don't understand why I can't be treated as equal to other trans men, I am not just talking about my GIC psychiatrists not taking me seriously, im talking about the whole team at "St Peters Andrology Hospital", since I was reffered to them by my GIC and GP, I feel that the people at that hospital have not taken me seriously at all not even one bit, I feel that I have been ignored all the way through the process and I feel that I have been hung out to dry in general and since the UK has become a transphobic country I am worried and don't know what to do,
it would be impossible for me to afford to pay for the surgery myself since it costs a blatant fortune and sadly I didn't grow up in a rich family and I am not rich myself and that it is clearly impossible for me to be able to afford that amount of money in general that is the cost of the surgery, since I have a disability and unable to be in employment and the only income I am on is ESA and PIP and all that is just enough to cover me to get by through my daily every life essentials such as shopping, clothes, travel, rent etc and also only just enough to cover all my travel costs too since I am also trying to find a PA service that is able to assist me with travel to and from my surgery trips I have already been saving up money to cover these costs as this is also how far my income will only allow me to afford in terms of being able to afford stuff, but it's just knowing how to find PA service that will provide transport to someone from Nottingham to London and all the way back to Nottingham when discharged from hospital,
those trans people who have set up go-fund pages to raise for their surgery are in the same boat as me, its impossible for them to afford their surgery alone and the fact that the system has put a price on life changing surgeries that will make people into them true-selfs, makes my blood boil, in theory people shouldn't have to pay to become their true selfs this type of healthcare should be made free completely, its disgusting how they made it where the only option to get your surgery without waiting years is where you pay for it yourself, they clearly dont see how damaging this already is to transgender peoples mental health that require to surgically transition in order to get rid of their dysphoria completely, the suicide rate for transgender people is already dangerously high, if trans people were to get the healthcare they need on the NHS without having to wait years, then the suicide rate would of never been high probably never would of even existed, loads of transgender people have already lost their lives to suicide due to the fact they have not been given the healthcare they need,
my point is if the UK had more hospitals that perform these type of surgeries as well as "Nuffield Health Center" (brighton) "where I had my chest surgery done there" and " St Peters Andrology Hospital" (London) if these 2 places weren't the only 2 places in the UK that performed gender reassignment surgeries, then the NHS wait lists would of never been this extently dramatically long from the start and people would of never had to wait all these years to get the treatment they need, then they probably would of never been a suicide rate for transgender people in relation to no access / denied access to their healthcare and treatment they require so they can be free of gender dysphoria and depression and actually feel them true selfs,
if the UK government cared about improving lives of people suffering from mental health then they would agree to prioritize transgender healthcare and surgeries as an essential type of surgery on the NHS just as equal to other life essential surgeries, with the experience I have had so far as a transgender individual since being under all these services I feel like I am being failed by and rejected by the system, bad mental health is just as dangerous if left un-noticed, ignored and rejected for treatment, the UK government needs to acknowledge this and accept this as a fact and stop classing our surgeries as elective when they clearly ain't as these are life saving surgeries,
I am sick of watching other trans people die from suicide, if I don't get my surgery started any time this year, I am scared that I might end up joining that list and I don't want to that to happen, PALS can't help me I just don't know what to do anymore... 😣😕😑
Thank you to those for reading.
Where do I start? 🤔 I have waited 4 years in total for life and self esteem saving surgery on the NHS that will rescue me completely from gender dysphoria and complete my transition so I will be able to continue normal life with self esteem like any cis man, at my consultation back in May 2018 with the surgeon team from "St Peter's Andrology Hospital" they told me back then it would just be 12 month wait in total until I get my surgery, down the line I was lied to and have been waiting 4 years in total, they don't understand how dangerous and acute this has really been on my mental health, I used to have acute suicidal thoughts and used to self harm before my chest surgery and I do not want to end up going back through this path,
I still havnt had the first stage of my phalloplasty yet and it's not good enough and unfair since I will be 24 in July, I ain't getting any younger, I should of had the first stage of the procedure started by now, I complained numerous of times to PALS but they didn't care at all, I even got an MP involved and the "St Peters Andrology Hospital Admin Staff" told me that if it wasn't for the lockdowns, I would of had my turn for the first stage of the surgery in April back in 2020, throughout these years I have put my life on hold due to no self-esteem, I have missed years of full time mainstream education in topic based courses because of how bad gender dysphoria has affected me, I have missed out on loads of essential opportunities, I feel that it's been impossible to get my life on track, I have always wanted a good education and I have career goals, but the only way I will be able to gain complete self esteem in myself is when I have had the first stage of my bottom surgery (phalloplasty radial forearm) as I feel once I have had the first stage of this surgery I feel that it would of already rescued me from gender dysphoria and I feel I will have the self esteem that I need to feel my complete true self,
I have always had a huge passion for fitness and sports, my favourite sports are basketball and dodgeball and parkour, I have always wanted to learn parkour and be in a professional basketball team, I have always dreamed of being able to stand to pee and use urinals just like cis guys can so I can feel my true self and feel normal, I have always wanted to make the most of my education with a few years at college on topic courses then always wanted to get into uni as my goal to pursue further mainstream education, aside from all this growing up I have always dreamed of and always wanted a girlfriend, but I have always found that impossible, since cis girls / cis women have never found me attractive and its always been hard to find cis girls / cis women who are into trans men and since I have never been on a date with anyone before I am getting bored of single life,
I watched too much tv shows and seen too many cis boys / cis men everywhere I go outside throughout all the years I've been growing up and all over social media who have got girlfriends, which makes me wonder when or if I will ever get a girlfriend since I am not a cis guy and I am a trans guy that still hasn't had the first stage of male genital surgery, I sadly still can't have sexual intercourse because I still have no penis, so how on earth I am supposed to be able to have sex until I get my penis I have no clue? it's always been a nightmare for me still without a penis since i have always had a high libido same as a cis male level, I have always had moments from time to time just like cis males where I feel the H word feeling at times, but because I still don't have a penis I feel that this is why being trans has always made it impossible for me to find a girlfriend, I feel that cis girls / cis women will only be into trans men if they have a penis, but if they haven't got one or are still waiting on the surgery for it, they won't be interested but this is all just my experience so far with all the cis girls / cis women I have came across as a trans guy, same from the experience I have had so far from all cis girls / cis women telling me that they prefer cis men because they think cis men are better at sex than trans men, all though relationships are not interesting / important to everyone, they are to me because I have always wanted a girlfriend since I was in nursery, this has always been one of my goals in life too, the list can probably go on in terms of many stuff I want from life and stuff I want to do,
I expressed to my GIC throughout all the years since I have been under their service that I knew I was born a boy trapped in a girls body when I was 4 years old, I have spent all years trying stress out how important it is to transition while I am still this young, I had my chest surgery when I was 18, since before my consultation for genital surgery and since I have been on the waiting list and throughout all these years I have pleaded with them countless of times how important it is for me to get my genital surgery (phalloplasty radial forearm) started while I am still round this young, currently I am 23 now, but I turn 24 this July the 5th coming its unrealistic how I still havnt had the first stage of my genital surgery, I know a lot of trans guys who are younger than me that had their first stage of their genital surgery when they were 20, a lot of these people were not even on the waiting list as long as I have been, at this rate due to the fact that I am still waiting at this rate it feels like I probably won't have it done until I am atleast 30 but there is no way I will be able to manage and mentally cope waiting all the way up until then, it's only right and fair I get it started while I am still round the age I am,
it's bitterly unfair and painful how I am still having to live half started but left unfinished, it feels like Im a tower, that's been built too short, my point is if they refuse to perform my surgery anytime this year when they re-start surgeries on people, they will be breaching against loyalty and professionalism since they admitted that it was already my turn for surgery in April 2020 if it wasn't for lockdown, I had to complain to PALS again because during lockdown the "St Peter's Andrology Hospital Admin Team" admitted that they were performing the first stage of the surgery on some patients, but all these patients were younger than me and I have been waiting a lot longer than these people, I feel that they used the lockdowns as their excuse to refuse me and used ableism against me just because I'm not neurotypical they refused to take me as serious as equal to everyone else and throw me under the bus by slamming me with sympathetic messages, when I raised this to the attention of PALS again, they told me that they are not in duty to assist with hospital disputes and ableism on behalf of transgender people,
I have already seen a lot of trans people set up go-fund me pages to raise for their surgery because of how harshly and triggeringly long the NHS wait list is, I have tried setting myself a go-fund me page numerous of times through the years but they never helped me at all, the bottom line is I feel that the psychiatrists and surgeons do know when each patients surgery will take place and how long they have to wait, the bottom line is they wont be blunt with you about this and they will expect you to come up with your own guess, my point here is I feel they are probably telling that I have another 4 more years to wait until they will agree to start my genital surgery (phalloplasty radial forearm) I feel that this is probably the case for me, i don't know about other people but they just refuse to tell me, but it's only fair and right that I get to know when my surgery will be, I feel that them not telling me when my surgery will be is also a way of them saying it's never going to happen while I am still this young unless I pay for it,
this feels exactly equivalent to forcing me to jump off a sky high cliff, the way they are treating me is like they want me to go to waste it's like they want me to throw my life down the toilet and end it, it's like they are enjoying seeing me suffer, my GIC psychiatrists were too quick in taking me seriously for my chest surgery when I was 18, but I don't understand why it's been like building a sand pit without using a bucket to convince them how essential and life saving it is that I get my genital surgerystarted while I am still this young, way before the pandemic ever began, it way so easy like picking a leaf off a tree to convince them about chest surgery but I don't see why they have a problem around me having genital surgery I don't understand why I can't be treated as equal to other trans men, I am not just talking about my GIC psychiatrists not taking me seriously, im talking about the whole team at "St Peters Andrology Hospital", since I was reffered to them by my GIC and GP, I feel that the people at that hospital have not taken me seriously at all not even one bit, I feel that I have been ignored all the way through the process and I feel that I have been hung out to dry in general and since the UK has become a transphobic country I am worried and don't know what to do,
it would be impossible for me to afford to pay for the surgery myself since it costs a blatant fortune and sadly I didn't grow up in a rich family and I am not rich myself and that it is clearly impossible for me to be able to afford that amount of money in general that is the cost of the surgery, since I have a disability and unable to be in employment and the only income I am on is ESA and PIP and all that is just enough to cover me to get by through my daily every life essentials such as shopping, clothes, travel, rent etc and also only just enough to cover all my travel costs too since I am also trying to find a PA service that is able to assist me with travel to and from my surgery trips I have already been saving up money to cover these costs as this is also how far my income will only allow me to afford in terms of being able to afford stuff, but it's just knowing how to find PA service that will provide transport to someone from Nottingham to London and all the way back to Nottingham when discharged from hospital,
those trans people who have set up go-fund pages to raise for their surgery are in the same boat as me, its impossible for them to afford their surgery alone and the fact that the system has put a price on life changing surgeries that will make people into them true-selfs, makes my blood boil, in theory people shouldn't have to pay to become their true selfs this type of healthcare should be made free completely, its disgusting how they made it where the only option to get your surgery without waiting years is where you pay for it yourself, they clearly dont see how damaging this already is to transgender peoples mental health that require to surgically transition in order to get rid of their dysphoria completely, the suicide rate for transgender people is already dangerously high, if trans people were to get the healthcare they need on the NHS without having to wait years, then the suicide rate would of never been high probably never would of even existed, loads of transgender people have already lost their lives to suicide due to the fact they have not been given the healthcare they need,
my point is if the UK had more hospitals that perform these type of surgeries as well as "Nuffield Health Center" (brighton) "where I had my chest surgery done there" and " St Peters Andrology Hospital" (London) if these 2 places weren't the only 2 places in the UK that performed gender reassignment surgeries, then the NHS wait lists would of never been this extently dramatically long from the start and people would of never had to wait all these years to get the treatment they need, then they probably would of never been a suicide rate for transgender people in relation to no access / denied access to their healthcare and treatment they require so they can be free of gender dysphoria and depression and actually feel them true selfs,
if the UK government cared about improving lives of people suffering from mental health then they would agree to prioritize transgender healthcare and surgeries as an essential type of surgery on the NHS just as equal to other life essential surgeries, with the experience I have had so far as a transgender individual since being under all these services I feel like I am being failed by and rejected by the system, bad mental health is just as dangerous if left un-noticed, ignored and rejected for treatment, the UK government needs to acknowledge this and accept this as a fact and stop classing our surgeries as elective when they clearly ain't as these are life saving surgeries,
I am sick of watching other trans people die from suicide, if I don't get my surgery started any time this year, I am scared that I might end up joining that list and I don't want to that to happen, PALS can't help me I just don't know what to do anymore... 😣😕😑
Thank you to those for reading.
Post edited by Riley on
0
Comments
Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out. I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Though, I think you have been really courageous in sharing your story with us. Your story will reach so many more people than you probably realise! I thank you for that. I hope writing helped you too.
Most importantly though, I want you to know that we hear you and we care. I can understand why you are struggling with your self-esteem. As you say, being able to be your true self is a key factor in feeling confident about who you are.
I hope you will be able to follow your goals when you are able to be your true self and are confident in yourself. For now, though, I would encourage you to try and focus on your hobbies and interests. That is one element of control you have where you can be yourself.
It has been a long journey for you, but I am so proud of you for having the determination to continue wanting to be your true self. I know how much courage it must take to try and be yourself in a world you don’t feel accepted. I hope that acceptance comes with time, but you need to accept yourself first. Your views about yourself are the most important.
How are you currently feeling in terms of your mental health? I appreciate this is something you said you have struggled with before and understandably so. I just want you to know that whilst we can’t, unfortunately, speed up the process of surgery or fund it, you don’t have to go through this alone. We will be here for you and listening to you every step of the way! Keep going and I hope things will get better for you and other transgender people soon
Thanks for your response. Of course, I completely agree that the surgery would help you to be yourself more than anything else. It is just a shame the process is so lengthy and complicated! I am just proud of you for recognising it is the situation which is difficult.
I am sorry to hear you have also been bullied. Bullying is tough to go through. I know because I have also been there. However, it does indeed make you stronger and more determined. Not that you should have ever had to go through it and I am really glad you are being treated more kindly now. You deserve to be treated kindly.
I am also sorry to hear you are not enjoying the course you are doing. Have you managed to talk to anyone in college about this? Such as your personal tutor. They may be able to help. At the very least, they can remind you that whilst you are not happy with where you are currently, it is a stepping stone to where you want to be which will be worth it.
If you ever want to talk to us more about this or about how you are feeling, please feel free. You never have to be alone!
I hope ranting here on the boards helped you feel a bit better, if you ever need to talk through your issues the boards are a great place to start or there are other places where you can talk to people about what you're going through.
Thanks for your response. I appreciate how much courage it must take to talk about things but you are doing so well. Really proud of you! I believe being yourself is the best thing you can be