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I relapsed.

lovemimoonlovemimoon Posts: 2,318 Boards Champion
edited January 2022 in Sex & Relationships
Hello.

It's been a while since I've spoken to you all. How are you all doing??

So, I relapsed.
One of my self-destructive habits is engaging in very sexual risky behaviours with strangers online (which I thankfully never had the chance to meet up with). I went three years maintaining my sexual drive, and I was finally reconstructing a healthy relationship with sex. And I fucked it up in a month.

I feel like shit. I don't know who to talk to cos I feel so ashamed and disgusted of myself.

I don't know how to talk about it.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Ex-Teenage Dirtbag Posts: 804 Part of The Mix Family
    When you make progress one way relapsing might put your progress back, but it doesn't reset it back to before you started making progress, so you've not fucked it all up in a month you've just slightly damaged it.

    I know you feel ashamed of yourself but there's no shame in being troubled with things and I'm glad you could talk here.

    Just know your progress isn't gone because of a relapse and I know how crushing shame can be, I hope you can feel better and more like yourself soon and even if you feel shame nobody here will think anything bad of you.
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,303 Part of The Furniture
    Hi @lovemimoon

    Well done for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out. I am proud of you for reaching out. I am well thank you. I am sorry to hear you have been struggling.

    As @Apollo wonderfully said, relapsing is okay. We all cope in different ways when we are struggling. Would you like to talk to us about why you have been feeling self-destructive?

    We are all ears if you do want to talk to us about how you have been feeling. We are here for you and always listening to you! <3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,327 Wise Owl
    @lovemimoon Hey love,

    I know it can be hard to see when you're struggling with difficult feelings and emotions, but recovery isn't linear at all. Relapsing doesn't negate all the wonderful work you've already done, getting even 5 minutes without relapsing is something to be proud of. I know it can be so easy to lean on the fact that you've 'failed' but there is no failing in recovery. We just get up and try again. You're doing the best you can, circumstances and life change, and can lead to the urges and triggers being harder to resist or cope with, and that's okay. I'm really proud of you for being so open and honest here.

    It can be hard to process what you're feeling, and that's okay, it seems like a very distressing time for you. I would say, if you're unsure of who to talk to, do you find talking this through with strangers easier than people you know? It may be really helpful to contact SHOUT (85258) or The Samaritans (116 123) to talk through these feelings with someone who can have an neutral position. Particularly, if you're worried about discussing this with people close to you. Just know we're always here for you, and we support you. You're doing incredible, and I'm really proud of you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    As others have said @lovemimoon making progress on yourself is never a straight line, just because you've stumbled a bit doesn't mean you've failed. :) I really hope you have someone you can talk to at the moment whether it's here on the boards, someone in your life or one of the other great services people have mentioned above. Take care of yourself and be sure to treat yourself with the kindness you deserve. <3
  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    Just wanted to say, we love you no matter what, i know you must be feeling a sense of overwhelming guilt and sadness and I want you to know it's okay to just let yourself feel that for a minute, rather than trying to force yourself into a 'positive' zone give yourself the time to process what this shame means for you. I know this is a horrid idea, but a lot of the time when it comes to relapses, trying to force yourself back on the path you want to be on without first deeping the emotions that led to the relapse, can actually make moving forward impossible.

    I want you to know I'm proud of you no matter what, especially for coming here and letting us know, you really are so awesome and a very brave person <3 x
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  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,303 Part of The Furniture
    Hey @loveminion,

    I am just reaching out. I have noticed it has been a little while since we have last heard from you. That is okay, and I hope you are having the time and space you need. If you do want to talk to us about anything though, I hope you know we are here for you! <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    edited January 2022
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    In case it helps 💜 @lovemimoon
    How are you doing?
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,303 Part of The Furniture
    Hi @Lucy307

    Thanks for sharing this with us! I absolutely agree and it is really valuable too. I think you will be surprised by just how many people are reached by your post. Progress in its broadest context <3
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    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • lovemimoonlovemimoon Posts: 2,318 Boards Champion
    Hey guys.

    Thank you so much for the responses. :3<3
    Things have been really difficult but I'm back on track (slightly).

    How are you all doing?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,327 Wise Owl
    Hey @lovemimoon

    We're always here for you and you're doing amazingly well, it's really great that you feel safe and comfortable reaching out to us on here when you're struggling. You're a very strong and resilient person, and it's great to see you back here,

    I know things are hard right now, and just wanted to remind you that you're not alone, we care a lot about you. Recovery is by no means linear, and two steps forward, one step back is still one step forwards, and I'm just really proud of you! <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    @lovemimoon I am so sorry that you feel this way, it must be so good. 3 years is such an achievement, as I'm sure you're aware! It just goes to show that YOU can do anything you put your mind to! As Bookee said, recovery is not linear and you are doing so well. You should be unbelievably proud of yourself. I know it's hard right now but you have tried so hard in recovery, why stop now?
  • lovemimoonlovemimoon Posts: 2,318 Boards Champion
    Hello everyone.

    Thank you for your kind replies and I'm sorry it's taken this long.
    It's been a while but I'm healing, somewhat.

    <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Lovely to hear from you @lovemimoon 💜 how are you getting on?
  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    Glad to hear you're taking things slowly and being kind to yourself @lovemimoon , getting some space to be able to take the time needed to heal is a really beautiful and kind thing to do for yourself <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 68 Boards Initiate
    Hi @lovemimoon don't worry about apologising for taking the time you need to process and heal, your wellbeing is what's most important, we are all here for you! <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    Hey @lovemimoon

    Thank you for sharing. You said at the end of your post that you don't know how to talk about it. It's not something you necessarily have to talk about if you don't want to, but even just by sharing your emotions surrounding it is still a form of release.

    I'm glad to hear that you are somewhat healing - that in itself is something to be proud of. Never apologise for the length of time it takes, we are all different and have our own pace of healing.

    I had a similar situation myself a while back, and my therapist told me that it's okay. Sometimes, when we are doing so well in our progress, a set back can feel ten times worse, and we punish ourselves for it, and then it's so easy to get back into that hole of self-destruction. Think of it like a ladder, you've been moving up this ladder for the last 3 years, and this month you may feel like you've been knocked down a couple of steps, but you are not all the way back at the bottom! You've spent the last 3 years working on yourself, that's 36 months, and you are focusing on this 1 month you've slipped - 1 in 36 months!

    As a few people have said on this post, it's important to remember that growth is never linear, and if you think about it, we never really go backwards because we are always moving forwards.

    Be gentle with yourself, cherish the positive changes you have made, we are only human <3
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