Overthinking too much Relationship 💗

Former Member

Hey Guys so there is good news and bad news I will start with the good news first ☺️Well I’ve been talking to this boy for 3 months now I met him on TikTok most of you may know that app and we been talking for 3 months and went out together we went to bowling and done other things in there too it’s not just bowling. Then a few days after we realised we really liked each other. So we started Dating on the 12th of January so not long ago. Then a few weeks after we got together we went out to see each other again and that was nice obviously we won’t be able to see each other everyday because we live like 30 minutes away so we will have to not see each other for a few weeks or so which is understandable really.

Well when we can’t see each other we talk on the phone and FaceTime sometimes and play games online together because Valentine’s Day is coming up I asked him what he wanted of me and then I ordered it and delivered it to his house I had to tell him there is a delivery coming so someone is in to get it ❤️

The bad new is I keep overthinking things like his going to leave me even tho he said he won’t because he loves me too much to do that. It is really hard for me to stop overthinking because I’ve been hurt in the past with relationships so I’m scared I’m going to get hurt again🥺.

Another reason is I don’t know what his friends think of me his saying they like me and I seem like a nice girl and and they said they are proud of him for finally finding a nice girl but I wonder if that is true? His been friends with his best friend since primary and now we are both 18. He said if his best friend needed him he would literally drop everything because he sees him as a brother they have gone for a bike ride today. They are always hanging out together but like I hope his best friend likes me and that is true what he said about how proud he is about finding me.

He told me not to worry because his friend/best friend won’t ruin the relationship because they like me and are always asking how us too are every time they see me.

The other thing is I don’t what my mom to ruin the relationship between me and him. He
added my mom on Facebook and his mom actually added me on Facebook is that a sign that she likes me?

But I don’t know guys?

Former Member

Hi @_Tech_Addict_Girl

Wow that sounds like you have really found someone that makes you happy, what brilliant news 💜 it sounds like you really like him and he really likes you too.

It’s really hard when you start to overthink things to work out what’s likely to be true and what isn’t - I know, I’m an overthinker too! I don’t know if it will help you, but I will sometimes write out some of my thoughts and then try and work out what I would say to a friend in the same situation. It helps me be more rational… does that make any sense? I think you are doing great getting the reassurance you need from him too by asking directly.

It sounds to me like his friends really like you (I don’t think they would have a reason to lie?) as they have said they are proud of him and think you are nice 😊 and I do think it’s a sign his mum likes you if she’s added you on facebook.

I know it’s a really nerve wracking time at the start of relationships and it can be tricky but also I hope you are able to enjoy it too, it sounds like you’ve found someone lovely and I hope it works out for you.

Take care
Lucy

Former Member

Hey @_Tech_Addict_Girl

That’s such fantastic news, I’m so incredibly happy for you!! You deserve so much happiness.

It’s understandable that you’re feeling anxious about a new relationship. It’s a very new concept, and you’ve been through a lot recently with people breaking promises about important things, and hurting you in the past, so it makes sense that you’re worried. Is this something you feel safe and comfortable to discuss with your boyfriend just for your own reassurance?

It’s also understandable to feel nervous about his best friend, I feel like this is a common worry for many that their best friend won’t like you, but often it’s just an irrational thought our brain plays upon. If they don’t like you, that’s not your fault, you are worthy with or without their approval because you’re a caring and kind individual. I’m sure that what his best friend has said about him being proud about you is true. I understand it can be hard to process these things when our brain is constantly battling you. I would say that it’s a really good sign that he likes you, and also that his mum likes you! It sounds like a really good sign.

Try and be gentle with yourself, you’re doing amazing, and it sounds like some really great and exciting things are happening to you. Take some time to be proud of yourself, and try to allow yourself some happiness because you really deserve it!

Former Member

@Lucy307 @Brookee Thankyou guys ❤️❤️I am actually worrying right now as we speak because he went out with his best friend and his mate at 1pm and he hasn’t spoken to me after that I have messaged him and said hi but he hasn’t opened it and I don’t want him to ghost me🥺. I also have a feeling my mom will ruin it😫😫my heart actually hurts he normally dosent take ages to respond his been taking a while to respond recently 😫

Former Member

@_Tech_Addict_Girl You’re more than welcome! It’s understandable, you’ve had a lot of negative past experiences. I wonder if there’s anything you can do for now, to distract yourself from constantly checking if he’s replied. For example, do you have any games you love to play that can keep your mind occupied until he’s back. It may also be helpful when he does reply to maybe talk to him about how anxious it makes you when he goes long periods of time without replying. It can be really reassuring and help, plus your boundaries are really important! He’s maybe just really busy or something outside of his control, I know it’s easier said than done but try not to worry too much. Just maybe try and do some things that distract you and make you feel safe and comforted for now

When you say you’re worried about your mum ruining it, what makes you think that?

Former Member

Hiya @_Tech_Addict_Girl! Congratulations on your new relationship, that's amazing! It's so normal to feel anxious about a new relationship as you're just getting to know each other. What happened in your previous relationship that's making you overthink now? Is this something you have talked about with your bf?
BTW it's completely normal to want to be liked and make a good impression on his friends. Though the people that love him will love you too. If you are still feeling nervous about it, you can always make a list of all the things you love about yourself (start from top to toe and and add all your favourite personality traits too). That way you can always remind yourself how amazing you are and give yourself a confidence boost!

you've mentioned that you're worried about your mum ruining things. What makes you think so?

xxx

Laura_tigger82

Hey @_Tech_Addict_Girl

Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out. I am really glad to see all the wonderful support already provided. I am so happy for you to find a relationship where you are happy and enjoy spending time together.

I am really sorry to hear you are worried about being left though. It is perfectly understandable this is something you are worried about when it has happened to you before. As they say, once hurt afraid of being hurt. However, it sounds like you really love and care about each other which is amazing to see! Try and focus on one day at a time but I know that’s much easier said than done.

I am sure all of the positive words his friends have said about you are true. Often friends are some of the most protective, especially when they see each other more like family. To hear positive words from friends is such a great sign! The same with family. And you are a lovely person so I can hear how those words would be true.

Please remember we are always here for you and listening to you

Former Member

@Sona @Laura_tigger82 @Brookee your right I have had a lot of negative things happen to me to do with that and that’s why I think I’m so paranoid and worried so much because I like do feel a proper connection with him and I’m sure he does because he was on about moving in together and etc when we are a bit older🥺🥰I have found some thing that distracts me and that is music or the tv but like he always comes back in my mind and that night when I was worrying about he didn’t reply he did in the end. I would tell him how anxious it makes me feel but like I don’t want to sound too needy about it. Like every other day his with his best friend I don’t think his best friend actually likes me because I’m quiet on the phone when his there because he hardly asks me any questions so obviously I will be quiet also I’m rubbish at knowing what questions to ask. I mean his best friend can’t tell him to stop liking me anyway because his got his own decisions and his own thoughts that he can make himself. I do get a bit jealous when he is with his best friend every other day because I love him and I want to spend more time with him but we can’t all the time face to face because his 30 minutes away from me🥺.

What I was on about about my mom ruining it was because anything good I think she ruins it and she actually sounded surprised when I said I have a boyfriend she was asking lots of questions. Also I don’t think I will be able to go and see him again because I think my mom will stop me and make excuses like I want him to come to my house but my mom will say the dogs will bite.

Former Member

Hey @_Tech_Addict_Girl

That sounds so wonderful, and I'm really pleased he did actually respond to you in the end. I understand, it can be difficult to fully distract yourselves when your anxiety is running riot about all the 'what ifs' around him replying, but it's good that you do have some distraction techniques in place. I don't think it makes you needy, it's you placing your boundaries in place, and I'm sure he'd understand. I think his best friend probably does like you, it can be awkward to talk on the phone when someone else is there, so it's perfectly understandable that you're more reserved. It can be really difficult to navigate new relationships, particularly ones where you're not always able to see each other due to distance. I think you're dealing with this really well. It's okay to be jealous and anxious to see him, it's a good sign that you want to spend more time with him. With time, it'll be easier to deal with.

I think if your mum doesn't want you to see your boyfriend, that won't impact how he feels about you and your relationship, that says a lot about more about your mum. At the end of the day, I know she can be very domineering, but you're an adult and this is your life. You deserve to be happy and be with someone who makes you feel happy, and she should be happy for you. When you say she's asked you lots of questions, did those questions make you feel anxious about things?

Laura_tigger82

Hey @_Tech_Addict_Girl

Thanks for your response. I am really pleased to hear you both feel connected towards each other, such an important thing in a relationship. I think it is also important though that you can also communicate with each other about how you are both feeling.

A lot of us can be quiet around people we don’t really know well. I am sure you will talk more once you know his friend more! It doesn’t mean that you aren’t liked. It just means you may need more time and that’s okay.

I think for you recognising that you each have your own lives but can also plan times together will be really important. Then, hopefully, you can look forward to when you can see each other rather than the days you aren’t together. Memory building!

Please remember we are always here for you if you want to talk to us some more about this or have any questions etc

Former Member

@Brookee I absolutely agree with what you’ve said there and no not really it didn’t make me anxious when she was asking them questions it just mostly annoyed me because I think she thinks I’m dumb and don’t know how to protect myself from stuff I wouldn’t talk to someone if I knew I was in danger he is generally a nice guy❤️❤️I’m a young adult I know how to keep myself safe she doesn’t understand that

@Laura_tigger82 <33 I appreciate it I’m always here for you if you need anything too @Brookee same goes for you<33

Former Member

@_Tech_Addict_Girl that's understandable, I know you have quite a rocky relationship with your mum! I think it's important to look after yourself always. You will always know what's best for you, over anyone else, and I understand it's difficult for you to cope with these small digs that's made, but you're important, and your decisions should be respected. I'm really pleased to hear that you've found someone nice for yourself, you deserve love and kindness. I know this maybe isn't always possible given your situation, but if you feel comfortable, it may be helpful to put those boundaries in place with her. I know this may seem like you're talking to a brick wall, but your boundaries are really really important! Thanks love! We're always here for you whenever you need, remember to put yourself first, it's not selfish, it's a priority

Laura_tigger82

Aww, thanks so much @_Tech_Addict_Girl! Though, we help if we can because we care about you. We don't help because we want anything in return. You are amazing and you will get through this

Former Member

Hey @_Tech_Addict_Girl, sending lots of hugs! I definitely agree with the others. Setting boundaries and putting yourself first is the best gift you can give yourself. You might get some pushback first, but sticking up for yourself is so important. If you struggle with setting boundaries, here's a strategy I like to use myself that helps:

Five Part Healthy Boundary Process Statement (HBPS) (Duntley-Matos, 2020):
"PEACE"
1. Positive shared experience you have with the other person
2. Express your least abrasive feeling (sad, concerned, confused, hurt, etc.) refrain from "but," "however," "although." State facts starting with "when."
3. Acknowledge the reasons for your feelings in a positive/validating framing of the relationship starting with "because"...
4. Collaborate and ask an open ended reciprocally validating question for a shared solution
5. Empathize by "actively listening" and ensuring you understand the speaker's intended message from their perspective

xxx

Laura_tigger82

Hi @Sona

Thanks so much for continuing to provide our community with some amazing support. All your efforts are recognised and really appreciated. Please remember we are here for you too though! How are you today?

Former Member

@Sona Thankyou so much for your help xx