letting it all out

Former Member

I'm formally diagnosed with BPD, I have auditory processing issues and I genuinely believe that I might also have ADHD(edgy).

I have this inherent mindset that I'm a bad person irrespective of external validation (this isn't an attempt to fish for it lol).

I feel so emotionally congested. It feels like I'm standing on a tall cylinder trying to balance whilst not letting the weight of my emotions take me down. I've been feeling heavy with emotions in response to the things happening around me; things that warrant me feeling the way I do, I know that logically but it doesn't stop my inner critique from questioning it.

My urges to SH have been playing up. It's hard. keep being drawn to planning my SH so that it doesn't impact my job. I keep thinking about taking time off so I can do it. just enough for relief but not enough to put me in hospital.

Is it weird that I think about it like this? Despite my external stability, it doesn't stop me from planning, saving, and paying for my own funeral.

I keep so much to myself self because I try so hard to keep my MH separate from everything. When my MH eventually takes me, I hope people know that I tried.

This isn't a cry for help, I'm not looking for replies, I just needed to get it all out of my head before taking it out on myself. I am safe.

independent_

Hey Salix, I know you said you weren’t looking for replies but I wanted to acknowledge this. I’m glad you’ve posted it here, I hope it has helped you to reach out. And even if not, I’m sure many, many people (including me) will understand and empathise with how you’re feeling, so if nothing else you know you aren’t alone.

I often catch myself thinking the way you do, it’s not strange at all. Some people’s brains seem to just be wired that way and lean towards destruction.

Sending you massive hugs

Laura_tigger82

Hi @Salix_alba_2019

I am really sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. Well done for being so brave and writing about how you feel. I am really proud of you for being able to do this and recognising the importance of this.

How are you feeling about your diagnoses? A resource you might find useful to explore is the ADHD Foundation (https://adhdfoundation.org.uk/).

I am just wondering if you have managed to explore the possibility of an ADHD diagnosis with anyone? For example, a teacher, SENCO, or GP?

I think you are great but I know that doesn't make it any easier. Mind has some useful strategies for managing low self-esteem. If you are interested, you can find them at https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/.

Have you got any other strategies for helping to cope with all the difficulties you have at the moment? I know for me when times get rough, I like to have warm baths, watch comfortable TV programmes, and listen to music.

We are here for you, listening to you, and caring about you. The same as Shout, Samaritans, and Papyrus are!