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What to expect from sex

awesomeminecraft6789awesomeminecraft6789 Deactivated Posts: 1,052 Wise Owl
Hi guys this is kind of embarrassing to admit but I think I'm coming up to that age where I need to be kind of thinking about this stuff

So basically I've never had sex and I'm not having it right now, obviously but I just want to know if and when I do what should I expect from sex? Because I've seen and read things about it like it's supposedly an "exciting time," or whatever is that true? I know everyone will have a different experience or perception on it but I'm just scared that when I get to it I won't know what to do or stuff like that

I know the basic stuff like wear protection and all that but the main thing I don't know is what are the right feelings to feel during it cause I've never actually really felt turned on maybe its a delayed reaction or something to do with a condition I don't know about or if it's to do with my crappy social skills and life? I really don't know it's just that when it comes to it I wanna feel something since it'll be my first time I don't wanna ruin it if I do end up with someone and it lasts that long by how emotionless I can be sometimes and that's not just a depression thing sometimes I can just be emotionless and not feel anything but I don't wanna screw it up for the person I end up with because of how I am because it's hard for me to feel a lot of things sometimes

You don't have to reply to this I just really need to know what to do because it'll be my first time and I don't want to mess it up like I do with a lot of things sometimes


  • BrookeeBrookee Posts: 1,327 Wise Owl
    @awesomeminecraft6789 It's really great of you to reach out to us, and please don't feel embarrassed, it's okay to need support.

    I think sex is a very tricky situation, and make sure you're completely ready before engaging in anything because you feeling ready and comfortable is what's most important in this sort of situation. I know there can be a lot of pressure to have had sex by a certain age, but it's more important that you feel ready and safe. I think in terms of what to expect, it's different from person to person, it's okay to feel whatever you feel about it. It's okay it's a new situation for you to be in, and it's okay to not have it all figured out, or to be worried about what to do. It's important to have good communication with your partner, so you can both engage in things that feel good for you both.

    Your feelings are valid, no matter what they are. If you can, just communicate how you're feeling with your partner at the time, it's okay to say no or stop at any time if you feel worried or nervous. You don't have to continue anything you're not comfortable with. Some people are asexual and don't like sex or want to engage in sexual activities, and that's okay as well. I think communication is really key with your partner to ensure you're safe and comfortable. I don't think you'd ruin it for your partner at all, just try communicate how you're feeling, if you feel like you want to be in a situation where you're connected to your feelings, it's okay to delay it until you're ready.

    Each person's experience will be so different, just make sure you're both safe and comfortable and ready, and if either of you have any worries or nerves, it can be helpful to discuss this before beginning or even stop halfway through, that is perfectly okay. No time is a wrong time to say no. <3
  • awesomeminecraft6789awesomeminecraft6789 Deactivated Posts: 1,052 Wise Owl
    Hi @Brookee

    I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about but I don't know what it is I just have a hard time accepting change my life has been full of them but I'm just not used to it so Sex that's like on a whole nother level of change its weird it's like I think I'm ready but I'm also not ready it's a strange feeling but with me I always think ruining things like last year with my ex we were together for six months and with what happened with a previous ex while I was with her I wasn't happy and it showed so I was convinced I was ruining it then last April came around I took a three day break and then she ended it so I'm still convinced I ruined it maybe I just need to learn to accept that I don't ruin things half of the time before I think about sex? I don't know
  • BrookeeBrookee Posts: 1,327 Wise Owl
    Hey @awesomeminecraft6789,

    I think it means different things to different people. That's okay, change is difficult, and something like sex is a big change in terms of relationships. I think you'll definitely know when you're ready. Is there anything specifically that you're worried about, or just the overall idea of it. It's understandable to be worried when it's something new, that you haven't done before, but when you're with the right person, and are comfortable it'll probably be a little less anxiety provoking for you. I think the thought of it and the hype around it makes it feel like it changes who you are when you have sex, but that's not true. I understand that you're worried about ruining things, but I don't believe it's your fault, if you weren't happy, then it's important that you got out of the relationship. You and your mental health are always the most important things in any situation. I don't think you ruined it at all, you did what was best for your mental health, and your partner's actions and choices aren't something you could control, so you dealt with it in the best way you could at the time.

    I think when you're ready and you feel happy to have sex with someone you'll know, and I truly believe that you don't give yourself enough credit for all the things you've gotten through recently, you're doing amazing. There's no pressure as to when you should be ready or when you want to think about it, just do whatever is best for you! <3
  • awesomeminecraft6789awesomeminecraft6789 Deactivated Posts: 1,052 Wise Owl
    I think it's just the idea of being intimate with someone like that that gets me feeling anxious so I can see where your coming from!

    Also the. Thing about the partner was is she's An over thinker she told me herself And a friend that she wanted my attention and I would have given it to her mind you if she had said something so I'm guessing she just got fed up with the not talking to her thing also I haven't had a relationship that's lasted long enough where sex is ideal we did talk about it well no she asked if I wanted it and I said yes but I got embarrassed about it so maybe it is an intmacy thing I'm not entirely sure
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,412 Legendary Poster
    I think it’s very natural to be nervous before you have sex for the first time, it’s a big thing and it’s a step into the unknown. I know I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a while but (and I know it sounds really cliche) I just knew when the moment was right. Sure I was still nervous but I guess I felt I was ready to deal with that nervousness.

    There’s also nothing wrong with waiting if you’re more comfortable doing that. No need to rush into anything, just because you’re a certain age doesn’t mean you have to do anything just because your friends are or because you think you should. It’s a very personal thing and everyone is different.

    How you feel during sex can really vary depending on the person but however you’re feeling is ok, and it’s always good to talk to your partner about those feelings (whether they’re positive or negative).
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Community Champion Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
    I'm gonna bring in a kind of different angle than the previous (awesome) comments.

    I first had sex when I was 17 and I was in America at the time. All my teammates were talking about sex so when I became friends with one boy I knew, and he kept coming over to my house we ended up doing it on my last night there.

    It was absolutely a mistake. I was not ready emotionally for this and it was the wrong person. I thought that be ause everyone else seemed to be doing it, that I should've been doing it too.

    We didn't even do it in a fun place, was a f*cking children's play park (like wtf were we thinking??).

    I really did like this boy but I knew I was never gonna see him again and he was prepared to make a long distance relationship and I wasn't.

    I messed it up big time tbh and I'd just say make sure you do it with someone you're happy to commit to and can see yourself with for a long time.

    Although at the same time it's okay to do things for a fling. I don't regret it as such but just wish the circumstances were better.

    I think my point is, just because others your age seem to be doing it, doesn't mean you have to be doing it.

    We had a lot of couples on my team and none of them are still together because of the distance and it just not working out so I really think it's okay to take your time and explore what's right for you.

    Another thing that I don't think has been mentioned but masturbation is a great way for you to explore what you like, what feels good for you and how your body works, as others have said sex is a very unique thing to you. Masturbation is a very taboo subject but in all seriousness nearly everyone who is sexually active or has been sexually active will have masturbated - me included. Honestly don't feel ashamed, because if you can't be comfortable with yourself, then how can you share yourself with others?

    Another key thing to sex is that it shouldn't be painful. It's okay to have it here and there, especially the first few times, but excessive pain to the point of being unable to continue is absolutely something to get checked out. Sex shouldn't be painful, even if it is or isn't pleasurable for the individual, it just shouldn't be painful.

    Just take your time and enjoy yourself. If you're relaxed and comfortable with the person then you're more likely to have a good experience!
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  • laurengeorgie8laurengeorgie8 Posts: 11 Settling in
    I just wanted to pop onto here to offer some more advice to the previous, amazing comments

    I think that the idea of sex and having sex is so overrepresented in society today. The questions like 'what does sex feel like?" "was that what sex is meant to be like?" "why am I not having sex when all my friends are?" or even "okay, I just had sex, but why did it not live up to my expectations?" are questions which myself and my friends have all spoken about.

    I think it is really important not to rush or plan anything to do with sex. If you do this, you will end up putting so much pressure on yourself, which might make the whole 'event' stressful and negative.

    I was 15 when I lost my virginity. Looking back on it, I was probably too young, however, I had a boyfriend at the time who I trusted, and because we did not make it into a big thing at all, it kind of just happened. Although, as I said, I was very young, by not making it into a big 'event' that was planned to the last detail, it was actually fine. Nothing to boast about but nothing I regret.

    I honestly just believe that when the time is right, you will know (as cringe as that sounds), and if that time isn't now or isn't for the next 20 years, then that is absolutely fine. I find that I personally am my own biggest pressure, so it is important to remember that, all in all, it is your decision and no one can and should influence that.

    Please feel free to message me if you want more chats about this, it is really something interesting to think about! :)
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 4,927 The Mix Elder
    Hi @awesomeminecraft6789

    Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out.

    I am really glad to see all of the wonderful support and guidance that has already been provided in this thread!

    I have nothing to add apart from emphasising the importance of informed consent! It is the most important thing :3
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  • La_LaLa_La Posts: 156 Helping Hand
    edited January 2022
    All the comments here are awesome and really cool, this is very solid advice.

    There is one other thing I'd want to add as well!!!

    With sex, I think it's okay if it doesn't go perfect and stuff, so please don't be hard on yourself.
    And another thing that I have learnt is that, sex becomes much better an experience once you understand the needs and wants of your own body as well. Knowing and discovering what you personally like and enjoy is so important because you deserve to enjoy it too. I think sex is a long process and very personal journey that varies from person to person. Hopefully with time and the right partners, you can learn what works best for you!

    Sorry, I wasn't too sure on how to write this in a better way :'( I just want to say that it's totally okay if you don't really feel turned on or feel nervous about sex, and its okay if you mess up because really I think it's important to enjoy it with someone who you feel comfortable with. Please remember that your needs and wants are equally as valid during sex...
    I wish you all the best @awesomeminecraft6789

    I think a good person to do it with is one who understands its okay if the sex is not perfect and stuff around because fun and consent as well as understanding each other can take that stress away so then the nerves can calm down
    ~ Dreamer ~
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