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Telling my nan about my mental health and past experiences
One-in-a-million
Posts: 606 Incredible Poster
Long post and possible trigger warning. It’s mire of just my thoughts so doesn’t really need a reply but it’s something I feel like I wanna wrote down.
So my cousins mental health has gotten worse lately. We are all trying to help her where we can but obviously this isn’t always easy. My nan comes from an era of when it wasn’t spoke about and sometimes she doesn’t fully understand what my cousin means. So while talking she asked me about intrusive thoughts and said she didn’t understand.
I said to her that I experience them too and gave her an example of what I get and what they are.
She then said about other things and innocently said “I don’t get why people just don’t speak out, I mean you have.” I just smiled and said “not really” then when she asked what I meant I said.. “I told you I was feeling depressed, I didn’t tell you I was suicidal.” She asked why I didn’t say and I said to her “Logically as I’m feeling now (feeling good) I know you care but someone is in that dark place if feels like no one cares, not even yourself, it’s easy for someone to say just talk about you but when you’re in a dark
Place you don’t see the point.”
I don’t remember how we got on to the topic but we started talking about core belifes and that brought up the opportunity for me to talk about how our inner monologue (how we hear ourselves think, read etc.) can also play apart for example if I’m low or anxious mine will start hear my thoughts of I’m stupid, I’m and idiot, etc etc
I told her how this can be caused by things we have been made to believe and gave her example at school I was repeatedly bullied and told I’m stupid, I can’t do anything right and any mistakes I made lead to humiliation.
This was the hardest part and I stopped my self for a moment but them said. “You know how sometimes when someone accidentally touches my waist/back I used to jump/flinch, or how I used to be really uncomfortable when you wanted to use me as you measuring model?” She said she did. I explained that it was because when I was at school I was being sexual harassed and touched in those areas without my consent. This shocked her and she said “I always wondered why you reacted that way as I never touched you in a bad way.”
(To explain she meant like touched me in those areas in a sexual way, it was usually when trying to get past or using me for measuring etc)
She asked why I never told her, I explained that at first it was because I was scared and embarrassed because I felt like I couldn’t do anything to make them stop and that they were making jokes about assaulting me, but then one day I did tell her briefly what was going on by saying some of the boys where touching me and making me feel uncomfortable. She asked if they had hurt me (meaning rape) I said no. And she said “ok then”
She said “No, I should have listened. You should have made me listen, I’m so sorry.” I told her it was ok. When I decided to tell her she was kind of busy but it was at that time that I just blurted it out, so she probably didn’t fully understand what I was telling her.
She asked “So what happened, did they stop?”
I explained that at first I told them “No, don’t, stop and to leave me alone.” But they just laughed and carried on. So eventually I just gave up and let them carry on it didn’t last as long that way. But then I told her one day it was getting too much and I couldn’t handle it at more and I had thought about skipping that lesson, and at one point thought about taking my life. I said it was my cousin who changed my mind. She came to me while I was thinking about what to do. She asked for a cuddle and sat on my knee, she threw her arms around me and asked if I loved her, of course I told her I did. Then she asked if she would see me when she’s older, again I told her she would, she asked me to promise her which I said I promised. She then asked “even when I’m 90?” I laughed and told her she could. Then she looked me dead in the eyes and said “that’s good, I love you and I would miss you if I didn’t see you again.”
I told my nan thats what made me speak out. We spoke about what my cousin said, how it was so strange how she said something so meaningful at the age of 6 and just at the right time, and how that’s what’s stopped me taking my life in the recent events of my mental health.
She asked what the school did and I said that they told me they would sort it and then it just stopped. She asked if they checked in with me, which I confirmed they didn’t. So she wasn’t happy and said she feels bad for not listening as she would gone mad that the teachers didn’t keep an eye on things.
So if by chance you have read this. It’s never too late to speak out this was 11 years ago. If someone doesn’t seem to understand try again or speak to someone else. Remember it’s normal for someone to blame themselves for your mental health and/or other things that have happened. This is because they love you and feel like they haven’t protected you. But also if someone isn’t upset that doesn’t mean they don’t care people react in different ways.
So my cousins mental health has gotten worse lately. We are all trying to help her where we can but obviously this isn’t always easy. My nan comes from an era of when it wasn’t spoke about and sometimes she doesn’t fully understand what my cousin means. So while talking she asked me about intrusive thoughts and said she didn’t understand.
I said to her that I experience them too and gave her an example of what I get and what they are.
She then said about other things and innocently said “I don’t get why people just don’t speak out, I mean you have.” I just smiled and said “not really” then when she asked what I meant I said.. “I told you I was feeling depressed, I didn’t tell you I was suicidal.” She asked why I didn’t say and I said to her “Logically as I’m feeling now (feeling good) I know you care but someone is in that dark place if feels like no one cares, not even yourself, it’s easy for someone to say just talk about you but when you’re in a dark
Place you don’t see the point.”
I don’t remember how we got on to the topic but we started talking about core belifes and that brought up the opportunity for me to talk about how our inner monologue (how we hear ourselves think, read etc.) can also play apart for example if I’m low or anxious mine will start hear my thoughts of I’m stupid, I’m and idiot, etc etc
I told her how this can be caused by things we have been made to believe and gave her example at school I was repeatedly bullied and told I’m stupid, I can’t do anything right and any mistakes I made lead to humiliation.
This was the hardest part and I stopped my self for a moment but them said. “You know how sometimes when someone accidentally touches my waist/back I used to jump/flinch, or how I used to be really uncomfortable when you wanted to use me as you measuring model?” She said she did. I explained that it was because when I was at school I was being sexual harassed and touched in those areas without my consent. This shocked her and she said “I always wondered why you reacted that way as I never touched you in a bad way.”
(To explain she meant like touched me in those areas in a sexual way, it was usually when trying to get past or using me for measuring etc)
She asked why I never told her, I explained that at first it was because I was scared and embarrassed because I felt like I couldn’t do anything to make them stop and that they were making jokes about assaulting me, but then one day I did tell her briefly what was going on by saying some of the boys where touching me and making me feel uncomfortable. She asked if they had hurt me (meaning rape) I said no. And she said “ok then”
She said “No, I should have listened. You should have made me listen, I’m so sorry.” I told her it was ok. When I decided to tell her she was kind of busy but it was at that time that I just blurted it out, so she probably didn’t fully understand what I was telling her.
She asked “So what happened, did they stop?”
I explained that at first I told them “No, don’t, stop and to leave me alone.” But they just laughed and carried on. So eventually I just gave up and let them carry on it didn’t last as long that way. But then I told her one day it was getting too much and I couldn’t handle it at more and I had thought about skipping that lesson, and at one point thought about taking my life. I said it was my cousin who changed my mind. She came to me while I was thinking about what to do. She asked for a cuddle and sat on my knee, she threw her arms around me and asked if I loved her, of course I told her I did. Then she asked if she would see me when she’s older, again I told her she would, she asked me to promise her which I said I promised. She then asked “even when I’m 90?” I laughed and told her she could. Then she looked me dead in the eyes and said “that’s good, I love you and I would miss you if I didn’t see you again.”
I told my nan thats what made me speak out. We spoke about what my cousin said, how it was so strange how she said something so meaningful at the age of 6 and just at the right time, and how that’s what’s stopped me taking my life in the recent events of my mental health.
She asked what the school did and I said that they told me they would sort it and then it just stopped. She asked if they checked in with me, which I confirmed they didn’t. So she wasn’t happy and said she feels bad for not listening as she would gone mad that the teachers didn’t keep an eye on things.
So if by chance you have read this. It’s never too late to speak out this was 11 years ago. If someone doesn’t seem to understand try again or speak to someone else. Remember it’s normal for someone to blame themselves for your mental health and/or other things that have happened. This is because they love you and feel like they haven’t protected you. But also if someone isn’t upset that doesn’t mean they don’t care people react in different ways.
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Comments
I really appreciate you getting these feelings out, as I know it can be a really helpful outlet, so thank you for reaching out. I think it's truly courageous to speak out about your struggles to help others understand, it can be really difficult, so being able to do that is incredible, well done!
From reading your post it's obvious that you're a very caring and kind individual, who just wants to help others, and raise awareness for mental health, and that's amazing. It's really brave to talk about these difficult experiences you've been through, and I'm really proud of you, and want to just tell you how strong you are!
This seems like it was a really difficult conversation you had with your nan, but I'm so pleased that she listened and actually took on board what you've said, that's wonderful. Always know that if you ever feel suicidal, we're here for you, and there are so many vital services that are waiting by the phone for you, should you ever need them i.e. SHOUT 85258 and The Samaritans 116 123.
I can't thank you enough for writing this, it's such an important message to send out to others, that it's never too late to reach out to others. Sending you so much love
Thanks for your post. I know you said it did not need a reply. I wanted to reply anyway though because I think you have been really courageous in sharing your experience with us. I hope writing has helped you too!
You sound like such a supportive family member! to both your cousin and your nan. It must have been really challenging for you to draw on your experiences though. How are you currently feeling?
I am also really sorry to hear you have been bullied and treated not so greatly. I hope you know this is more of a reflection of them than it is of you! You are really kind, supportive, and brave.
Your experience really does highlight how you can use your negative experiences to be a positive role model and to support others going through similar situations! Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
We are always here for you if you ever want to talk to us about this or anything else. We are always listening to you and caring about you