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To anyone and everyone
Distraction
Posts: 448 Listening Ear
To anyone who's been through sh*t alone, cried alone, held feelings in, felt alone... lost, to anyone who's hurting and all the above
To anyone who feels like they're doing all this alone and no one really understand what's they've been through, when words fail and pain sets in, when life feels too much in such a dark and lonely place
I Just want to say well done, you've gotten so far and some day you'll look back and be so proud of who you've become, keep going
Sending lots and lots of love
To anyone who feels like they're doing all this alone and no one really understand what's they've been through, when words fail and pain sets in, when life feels too much in such a dark and lonely place
I Just want to say well done, you've gotten so far and some day you'll look back and be so proud of who you've become, keep going
Sending lots and lots of love
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Comments
Thanks for your supportive post. I agree with @Zay that your post has been really helpful. I think you will be surprised at just how many people your post may reach and support! I just want you to know that your post also applies to you. We are always here for you, listening to you, and caring about you
Thank you so much for sending this message out to everyone, I'm sure it'll reach someone who really needed to hear that today. I hope you're doing well, and we're always here for you, should you ever need anything! Thank you again for this supportive and caring post
I feel so much and nothing at all, including the good.
I'm healthy and trying to work towards improving my little world, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't but it's all about the little goals.
It's strange though, sometimes being flooded in pain feels safer, feels like peace, it's hard to pull yourself out and live life, you know?
When do you know you're ready to move forward, when enough's, enough?
It's like being on the edge and taking a leap of faith that everything's going to be ok, it's scary giving it a shot, moving from what you know to something that might not be what you think it is or the fear of it turning out worse after being hurt so much.
You kinda want a guarantee that you won't fall back to square one or that if you do, you'll get out again because it was an awful fight to just get here and I don't want to go through another one.
But then again taking that leap could be the start of something wonderful.
I guess it's not so much as a decision then a process, it's not black and white, I don't feel like I did back then and I'm so very grateful to that. I don't know what got me through but it's not quite over. I do feel much lighter these days, although that doesn't mean that the deep pain has gone, that it doesn't re visit.
Maybe I don't want to let it go, it is me, my experiences made me. I've been through pain and people don't understand how real the pain was. I was a kid, yes but it's never left and I don't think it will. Maybe I want people to know, to listen.
But saying and feeling that gets me so confused because why do I feel like I have moved on/ gone through something and being on the other side of it but still carrying the hurt. I don't understand it.
Maybe because no one was there for me when I was younger, I had to be strong, have my back, the fear of my family falling apart and keeping quiet to stay together, maybe I don't feel heard or seen.
It's upsetting writing this but when I feel hurt over it, It feels like it did back then, empty, scared. alone, really alone because I was.
One of the things was the nightmares, they were horrible but when I woke up, I thought everyone was dead, I was too scared to check to get out of bed, I was so scared and no one was there, like really scared, I just needed someone but night after night there wasn't anyone, I didn't want to sleep, I didn't want to be awake, I didn't know how to get help, I couldn't talk to anyone, I didn't know about childline or the mix and I'm angry I never did, that my primary didn't have posters or something.
Sorry, I started typing and ended up with this cheesy script but think I should still send it.
Answer to you'r question: I'm exhausted, happy, hurt, positive and everything in between, I'm holding onto to so much and holding so much in, but life isn't all bad and it's not something to give up on.
Thank you for asking, didn't know I needed that rant.
I am really glad you managed to put your thoughts and feelings into writing and have the rant you did not know you needed. I think it is really important to check in with others and ourselves about how we are all feeling where possible. I think you have been really courageous in expressing how you feel, and I am proud of you for that! Did writing it out help you?
I think you have worked out the trick, sometimes goals help and sometimes they don’t, but they stand a much higher chance if you are able to identify what goals you would like to work towards. Though I understand, sometimes our comfort zone is the safe place, even if our comfort zones consist of pain. I think it is difficult to know when you are ready to move forward and when enough is enough as it ends up being like a cycle but ultimately it is when you decide you won’t tolerate it anymore and are ready to put yourself, your goals, and your wellbeing first.
And of course, risking pain when you have already been hurt is really difficult. I think you have identified another really important point though. Pain shapes us into the people we are today but it does not define us or our worth. Pain is beautiful if it is flipped inside out and used to better our futures and help others. Pain is always real nevertheless.
Would you like to talk some more about the goals you have for yourself? Maybe together we could think of some safer stepping stones towards achieving the goals you have for yourself. Please know that I am sorry you have not felt seen or heard before. That must have been really difficult, and I am not surprised you are still trying to process that. Someone should have been there for you.
I am so glad our paths have crossed now though, we see you and we hear you. We are always here for you and listening to you! It is our time to support you, please try and let go of as much as you can and we will pick it up for you
I’ve read over your response several times. It means a lot, what you’ve written, I’m very grateful and you're very understanding.
I feel so close to being somebody and not just a mess of trying to survive, I’m not so much aiming to feel whole again but just to enjoy life and leave the rest behind, I feel like it’s possible, that it’s within grasp.
“Pain shapes us into the people we are today but it does not define us or our worth. Pain is beautiful if it is flipped inside out and used to better our futures and help others. Pain is always real nevertheless” I love this, it’s true and beautifully said
The things I’m wanting to move on from is to:
• Feel content with the decision I made to leave my mum and sister to move to Scotland.
• Accept what happened has happened, it can’t be changed and there’s no going back to it, I’ve grown up, I can’t be that kid again and go home.
• Accept and believe that I couldn’t save my mum and it wasn’t ever my responsibility to do so, I didn’t fail her and I didn’t fail myself. I tried to look after her, make her better but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves
I feel like these are the things I’m hung up on the most, although memories still hang around, like my mother being violent and threatening, the time I lived at my sister and the opportunities I had to speak out but didn’t.
“Please know that I am sorry you have not felt seen or heard before. That must have been really difficult, and I am not surprised you are still trying to process that. Someone should have been there for you.
I am so glad our paths have crossed now though, we see you and we hear you. We are always here for you and listening to you! It is our time to support you, please try and let go of as much as you can and we will pick it up for you” Thank you
I’ve reached a few goals I’ve set out so far, I got to 18 (now 24) I got a job, have some friends, got my first motorbike and applied to the army (going to be put on a year or two waiting list due to the role I want, so see how I feel once I get the opportunity to go to basic, hope to feel like I’m ready to start a new chapter by then)
As for new goals I guess I want college to be over (if I pass or not) and I don’t want to go to uni. I want to work until the army has a place for me and I really want to make good memories and grow as a person, I want to get unstuck and be in the present, I want to be happy and helpful.
Thank you so much again, you've just helped me more then you'll probably ever know
Thanks for your response! I am really glad to hear you are happy you did not delete what you wrote and that writing helped you to understand yourself more.
You can definitely do more than survive. I believe you will thrive not just survive. It will be hard to leave the rest behind, but you are doing so well in reaching out for support and trying to better your future. I am really proud of you.
I know the decisions you have made have been tough and you may always ask “what if”. However, you done the right thing for you in the moment and that is super important. It absolutely wasn’t your responsibility to save your mum. I know how much you looked after your mum but as you say, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves, unfortunately. Your mum would be so proud of the person you have become today though. I know we are really proud of you.
Though, this is a lot of weight on your shoulders. I am wondering if you have ever managed to talk to someone else about what has happened to you with the decisions you have had to make and not being able to save your mum? We are always here for you but so is our helpline, our counselling service, Shout, and Samaritans for example. I just want to make sure you have access to all the support you deserve.
I am really glad to hear you felt my hug! I am sending you virtual hugs. You are doing so well in talking to us about how you feel. Please don’t blame yourself for not opening up before, it takes so much courage. Though, you have clearly become much stronger to talk about how you feel and that is fabulous. Do indeed try to focus on yourself and your own goals moving forward. I know that is easier said than done but you have spent so much time prioritising other people and their needs, it is time for your goals and your wellbeing.
It is wonderful to hear all the things you have already managed to achieve. They are such great achievements too. You are certainly a helpful person and a really valued member of our community. I hope you only continue to achieve all your other goals. How is college going for you at the moment? I am really looking forward to hearing all about your progress. Please do always remember we are here to listen to you in your tough times and we are here to celebrate with you in your good times
And thank you for the sharing those websites.
I have my step mum but she has a lot on her plate. I recently had a look at a private therapist, I'm a bit apprehensive and unsure, but the guy I was looking at offers walking therapy, where we walk in a nature park and talk, it sounds much better then sitting in a room. Keeping it on the down low for now, see how it goes. I have an informal call with him tomorrow.
Your message really makes me smile
As for college I'm falling behind a bit, a good bit lol but getting help there as well, I had a meeting with the educational phycologist the other day, turns out I have dyslexia, dyscalculia, short term memory loss/issues and struggle with processing information, I went in yesterday for the first time in awhile but didn't make it in today, I feel bad but have a meeting on Thursday next week with learning support so I'll make myself go to class next Thursday, can't keep putting it off lol.
Please do always remember we are here to listen to you in your tough times and we are here to celebrate with you in your good times I will thoroughly remember this and especially the part about the good times
I honestly would not have got through these past few years without the mix, it will always hold a special place in my heart.
Thanks for your response. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out.
Do you feel able to talk to your step mum? I know you said she has a lot on her plate, but she cares about you and will be there for you when you need her. If you don’t though, I completely understand. Sometimes it can be difficult to talk to people when we know they are also struggling. Please know that you can talk to us and many other people though if you need a listening ear and a virtual hug!
I am wishing you the best of luck with your appointment with the private therapist. Is there anything, in particular, that is making you feel apprehensive and unsure about the private therapist? I always believe gut instincts are correct. Hopefully, we can talk it through though and make sure you are safe and happy.
I am sorry to hear you are feeling behind at college. However, I want to ask a question, ‘falling behind according to whose standards?’. So proud of you for agreeing to see the educational psychologist! How are you feeling about your new diagnoses? I hope they have helped to provide some understanding and support. If it helps, I also work in learning support, and if I was in their shoes, I would just want to ask you what your diagnoses mean for you and if there’s anything at all I could do to help! In fact, in the meantime, is there anything we can do to help?
You are never alone with any of this, and we will always do what we can to help! You are a really valued member of our community