Getting on with it

Willow

Does anyone else feel like this?

Where you were in a long term relationship that went on for years but nothing happened, you didn't move in together, get married, have kids etc but you planned and we're ready for all that and just when the opportunity presented itself they took it away and break up with you. So then u get into a new relationship and it is going really well that you think yeah I see myself spending the rest of my life with them and your ready to do all those things but it's a new relationship, there not ready, the timing not right or whatever but your still in that ready to take the next step mind set and you don't want to wait you want to get on with your life but have to be patient and then you start to feel really lonely at that it will never happen and in the end all you want from life really is to not be lonely and so you give up on that entire concept of marriage and kids and will just happily settle for moving in with the person you love but you can't cause its a new relationship and there not ready and it is hard to be patient and you feel stuck and lost and not sure what to do or how long to wait to see if it will ever happen.

If that makes sense?

Brookee

Hey @Willow

I hear you, and I understand where you're coming from, I think as we get older, there's a lot of pressure to have everything mapped out, and have a future planned. I think it's much harder when you've been in that mindset and then it's been snatched from you, and it can be hard to shake that feeling. I think the best thing I can say is to know that what you want, will happen for you, it just may take a little longer than you'd like. I also want you to know that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel how you're feeling. It sounds like you're struggling with feeling lonely, and worried that want you want may not come to pass? I think that's more common than you may think, and you're truly not alone in this. Is this something you could maybe discuss with your new partner, to help reassure you about these things you're struggling with? I understand that may not be possible, so please only do what makes you most comfortable.

I also want you to know that if this doesn't happen with your current partner, please don't give up hope. You will find the person whose right for you and on the same wave length, unfortunately, these things aren't planned, so it may take a lot longer than you'd think but if this is something you really hope for, then please don't give up hope.

Laura_tigger82

Hi @Willow

Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out.

I am really glad to see the wonderful support @Brookee has already provided you with.

In line with @Brookee's support, I would just like to remind you that the only clock that matters is your own.

What matters the most is that you are comfortable, safe, and happy.

You will achieve all of the other things when you are ready! and when you find the right person for you

Willow

Thanks @Brookee and @Laura_tigger82 for the support and advice.

To begin with, I never felt pressured to be living with someone or be engaged/married kids etc, I was more that I had been qith that guy for 5 years and it wasn't going anywhere and when the time was right he randomly decided he didn't want to be qith me, no explanation nothing. So my whole mapped out plan even though it was a general giss was completely snatched from me and I had wasted 5 years with someone. So I know now not to wait 5 years for anything to happen but I am scared of either being dragged further into the relationship only to have the same thing happen again or come across too needy or clingy I guess?

I have given up hope on marriage and kids, I no longer care nor want to encourage myself it will ever happen, my primary focus and all i have ever wanted in life was someone to accept me and not be lonely and share my life wish someone. I don't have a single friend, my family abandoning me and I can't have a pet where I live so I feel so totally isolated from the world.

My current partner reassures me it will happen one day just when we are in better situations and that's great love the reassurance but at the same time, I feel like all I have ever done is waited on people and done everything for someone else and sacrificed everything just to suit someone else. No one seems to do anything for me and I know that sounds incredibly selfish because why should I expect anyone to give a dam about me and do something for me, but I am definitely impatient because I am so miserable with my current living situation, I hate my job and i just want out!

Brookee

@Willow That's understandable, your past relationship seems like it's caused you a lot of distress and frustration. I think that the fact your ex just ended with you, isn't a reflection upon you, and you having plans for your future is incredible, and you should hold onto them, at the end of the day, if you're with someone who sees you as needy or clingy, they're probably not the right person for you. Have you been able to discuss what you want from this relationship with your current partner?

I know loneliness is a terrifying concept for everyone, but I truly believe that you'll find a person who matches you, and doesn't make you feel like you can't have the future you've always dreamed of. You deserve to have your dreams fulfilled. I'm really sorry to read about your family and friend situation, and I understand why that's contributed to your worry about being alone. Your family abandoning you isn't your fault, that was their choice, and I understand that must be really difficult to cope with. We're always here for you, whenever you need.

I understand why you're feeling anxious about your relationship and the uncertainty around what you want for your future. It's not selfish to put you or your mental health first, these are priorities, and your needs deserve to be met, the same way you've met other people's. It's important to remember that you have your own boundaries, and if people can't accept these, you're probably better off without them. It really sounds like you're dealing with a lot of pain right now. When it comes to your job, is there any other jobs you feel you could transfer to until you can move to somewhere that makes you feel a little happier? I understand this isn't always an option, particularly during a pandemic.

You're doing the best you can, and your feelings are always valid

Willow

Thanks @Brookee for the support. I do believe me and my partner are on the same terms. We mainly discussed living together rather than marriage and kids which is fine with me as I rather focus on the first step which is living in the same building. He always makes joky comments whether he means them or not I don't know about me living with him but living with him would mean giving up everything I paid for in my current flat, commuting 2 hours to work 2 days a week, there isn't much room at his cause his brother lives with him as well. And why I would love it I just wanted to start afresh somewhere else and get out of the city I grew up in.

I feel like I found the right person but can't help but feel lonely. He doesn't understand how completely isolated I am. I don't have friends, I don't have a childhood friend, I don't have a work friend I got absolutely no one apart from him. And when his friends has rare get togethers it feels more lonely cause let's face it there not going to be friends with me when they all have each other and have done for a while now. The fact the last get together no one said a word to me or wanted to know me and they were all remissing old times and inside jokes that I don't get my partner did his best to fill me in. What is sad is I would get on with these people we have a lot in common except they have all judge me for being this posh girl when I am really not I am a hard-core gamer like them but the judged me by the way I looked. It just feels more lonely knowing I could leave and no one would notice I was gone. I know things take time but they will always be his friends rather then our friends if you get me.

As for uncertainty about the future I get it a lot can happen between now and then but the fact that if I ever got engaged it will be the most exciting but depressing time cause I won't have anyone to go dress shopping with or have a bridal shower. The fact the wedding will be a celebration for him than for us cause it be filled with all his friends and family who are there for him.I just don't feel like these futures are worth hoping for cause I don't want to feel even more depressed later down the line which is why I don't want to care about them anymore. I just want to not feel so lonely and those times are when I am around him and just him and I just wish it was happening now, rather than 2-3 years later.

Laura_tigger82

Hi @Willow

Thanks for your response. I think it is really important that you have managed to identify what this might look like for you. I am really proud of you. I think you should continue putting yourself first. I know this can be more difficult to do than to say though. Please know we are here for you and listening to you