I don't know...

Former Member

I feel really stuck. My day is literally tv and reading. I even tried to stop my anger releasing and ran around the block (which is like 3 minutes) just so I've actually left the house. I try and make conversation with my dad, as mum is away, and it backfires completely! I even tried to just talk bout him washing his car and he then wondered why I was asking 😞 I just feel stuck in myself and trapped in my surroundings. Even listening to my brother and dad talk is almost painful as there is just so many "Why are you asking that?" and basics of "Yeah, not much". I know that maybe that's basic conversation and because I don't have many with anyone I'm confused by it or something..but everyone has at least something to talk about right?
I try just boost my mood a little by going from tv, to phone, to food. But I just don't know what to do! It's like that moment in films where people scream into the open, or scream in their house...that's where my head is right now😖
I may have ranted off a bit here, and tell me if this is the wrong way to use discussion boards, but I have no where to turn ...😔

Former Member

Hey @Millicento_

I just want you to know it's okay to feel what you're feeling, it sounds like you're going through a tough time right now, and I'm really sorry to hear it. I think it's amazing that you managed to get out of the house, even if it was only for 3 minutes, it's a really amazing achievement, particularly when struggling with agoraphobia. I know from first hand experience, that getting out of the house, even for a short walk, did wonders for that suffocating feeling, particularly when your brain's struggling to process things properly, as if it's just a bundle of fuzz swirling around. If you can, it might be a good idea, to try and get out once a day, even if that's not possible, you can do it in small chunks.

Like maybe starting with once a week, or something that seems manageable for you, and as your anxiety starts to wane, it may become easier for you to get out more, as this may help with the suffocating and trapped feeling you're dealing with. Also, please try to be gentle with yourself during this time, if this isn't possible, or one week or day you don't manage to get out, that's perfectly okay, even considering getting out of the house is a massive achievement in itself!!

Have you thought about joining the group chats, that they host on here? It may help with socialising with others, of course there's absolutely no pressure, even if you just silently sit on the chat, it might help with these feelings.

I think it's really important that you let these feelings out, I know it can feel difficult, and like you have to repress them, but finding something that matches the feeling and intention can be really cathartic. So when you feel angry or overwhelmed, do you feel anything specifically, or is there like urges to do certain things i.e. scream. It's okay if you don't feel comfortable sharing this with us, but I just want you to know we're here for you and we care about you

Former Member

@Brookee -thank you, and thanks for reading my little rant!
I am trying to be courageous with going out alone, I don't like to plan times for each day because I find making a plan holds deadlines and to me that's very stressful. Even if I miss 1pm walk time for example... but I have been going out for a bit, to the local corner shop about 10 minutes away, just harder now it gets darker early too. Also, I live near 2 schools and so if I go for a walk at a particular time I could be walking amongst school kids🥴
I might join the chat...when are they?
When I get frustrated, I usually feel like I have energy and I have to pound out that force in someway. That's why I ran around the block. I can't sit down and watch a nice film as a distraction as that feeling has already taken over😞

Former Member

Do you think you could find yourself a hobby? Maybe art, reading, go for runs (maybe the couch to 5k challenge?? Or there's loads of groups on Facebook that are great communities), try cleaning your room or rearrange it.

When you feel stuck in a hole, it's hard to find the courage to get out, however you've already made a great start by reaching out here!!

Here if you need me

Laura_tigger82

Hi @Millicento_

Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out.

I am really pleased to see the wonderful support already provided by @Brookee and @Anch0r33. Thank you to you both! Our community is really supportive and friendly.

I am proud of you for being able to name your feelings, identify what would help you, and then go and do what will help! Such a positive step forwards.

I appreciate you did not feel like you were outside for long enough though. Do you know what is making it harder for you to go outside?

Also, how are you feeling about your mum being away? Homelife sounds tough for you at the moment and I am really sorry to hear this.

I want you to know that we are here for you if you would like to talk to us more about this or anything else that's on your mind.

This is a fantastic way to use the discussion boards! We are always here for you, listening to you, and caring about you

Former Member

Hi @Millicento_

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, although you have done the right thing by reaching out

You mentioned you have tried to make conversation with your dad and brother, have you explained to them how you are feeling? If you feel comfortable sharing this with them, it may help them to support you by communicating with you more often. Also the suggestions @Brookee @Anch0r33 and @Laura_tigger82 made all seem very helpful!

I really hope things improve for you, we're all here

Former Member

Hey @Millicento_ Of course, we're always here for you, don't worry about venting, I'm just really proud of you and want to thank you for opening up to us, I know it can be hard.

You're being super courageous, even thinking about it is amazing!! I understand and hear you about the deadline situation. I think it's more helpful to try and have a flexible approach to these things, I know that's really hard with it being winter, so we have less time to go out in the day, but honestly, you should be so proud of yourself, you're doing incredible. This is out of your comfort zone and yet you're still trying, and that's amazing! I would just suggest to try (and I know this is easier said than done) to put less pressure on yourself and around walking, even taking small steps to becoming more comfortable with it i.e. putting your shoes on and then taking them off again, or putting your coat on and taking that off, or going outside for 5 seconds etc, until it becomes easier, these small steps are just as important as the big ones!

I think unfortunately they're on a break right now, but they'll be back from the 17th of January, so please do join them if you feel that's something that will benefit you, we'd all love to have you there, even if you can't talk for a while!!

I understand completely, so is it like an urge to almost punch something to get the emotions out? It's perfectly okay that a film doesn't do it for you, we're all different, and that's okay. Going for a run is a really good way to get rid of that excess anger and frustration. Does singing help at all? If you put some music on that makes you feel powerful or that you really love and sing your heart out to them, it make also help if running isn't an option, of course, everyone is different, so please don't feel disheartened if this doesn't work for you, there's always other ones i.e. punching an exercise ball, doing a dance workout on youtube to songs you love, yoga (specifically the child pose or hare pose) . I hope some of these help you, particularly if running is just not something you're able to do one day.

Sending you lots of love, you're doing amazing!

Former Member

@Brookee I'm told often to not put too much pressure on myself so it's not a new challenge of mine, I'm just not nailing it! I might give it a try, I guess it'll get me off the sofa! The feeling could be punching a wall, screaming, shouting that urge of wanting the world to just shut up for a second! I have tried listening and just trying to amuse myself, but sharing a house means that I'm twice as much self conscious as I don't want to have questions about what im doing and why etc. Thank you for the ideas 💚
@daisyella12 - I have tried the conversations with my dad and brother, and although at time it seems they have the message, it just dissolves away within a few hours. I have persevered but just losing hope of keeping bringing up the same thing over and over 😞 Thank you for being there all the same, great to know that 💜
@Laura_tigger82 Thank you for the reassurance. I think I haven't got much self belief to go out, and I can, I power walked to the pharmacy and back today just to try defeat some of those built up feelings. It's incredibly difficult without mum at home. She will be back more often soon though as she's only house sitting till the end of February. She does come back for lunch or just a cup of tea sometimes, but it still makes my heart ache when she leaves 😢 💚
@Anch0r33 - Thank you for being there if I need, it's fabulous to know! Thank you for ideas too, I'll consider some, the couch to 5k im not too sure on though 🙈

Laura_tigger82

Hi @Millicento_

I am really sorry to hear you are experiencing a tough time with your family and self-belief.

Is there a place where you can go and have more self-belief? For me, this would look like getting a bus into town and then sitting in a corner of the cafe. It may look differently for you and that is more than okay.

I am really proud of you for trying to beat your low self-belief by still getting outside. It is important that no matter how small the lengths of time that you do try and put yourself first and what might help you.

Mind also has some tips for improving your self-esteem which you might find useful. If you are interested in exploring this, you can find it at https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/.

It sounds difficult for you not to have mum at home. This is understandable as she sounds like a key member of your family. Are you able to stay in regular contact with her and video call her? Hopefully, she'll be home again before you know it! It is really good to hear she still visits sometimes.

We are always here for you, listening to you, and caring about you

Former Member

@Millicento_ Of course, I completely understand, it's hard to not put pressure on ourselves in a society full of pressure, but it's amazing to celebrate the small steps you're doing to achieve your goals!

I understand, I think maybe workouts on Youtube, that don't contain jumping or something like that may help in terms of getting that need to scream or frustration out. I know things that involve jumping may add to your self-consciousness around what others in the house are thinking about what you're doing, so maybe something a little more low-impact like yoga or something. I often find moving my body, in anyway I can, and just being in the moment and thinking only of what I'm doing or need to do next is helpful, but also blasting music in headphones can also be really helpful. Of course, we're all different, so what works for me won't necessarily work for you and that's more than okay!

Thank you for getting back in touch, and for being so open minded about all of this. You're doing amazing, and I'm really proud of you