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TW:suicidal feelings

Kate_20Kate_20 Posts: 657 Incredible Poster
in Health & Wellbeing
I don't deserve to be alive. I am useless and cannot learn anything. I will have a life restricted by depression. I will never be able to hold down a stressful job and achieve what I need to achieve. All the education I received became nothing. I don't want to be anyone's burden. I am frustrated that I cannot ensure my death because I am so scared of being discovered halfway and having to explain everything.
Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
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  • Kate_20Kate_20 Posts: 657 Incredible Poster
    I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't want to live without dignity. So I have to die.
    Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
    Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
    El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
  • Kate_20Kate_20 Posts: 657 Incredible Poster
    When I have one bad day, it means I can work the next day. When everyday is so bad, I don't know how I can achieve anything and this world never allows me to take a break when I do not know how long it will be. I never know why everyone else with depression can achieve things. Maybe I am just stupid.
    Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
    Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
    El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,307 Part of The Furniture
    edited December 2021
    Hi @Kate_20

    I am really sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I am proud of you for not only being able to identify how you feel but also being able to name your feelings.

    I think your depression might make things more difficult for you to achieve on difficult days. For example, it may distort your view sometimes and mean that you have to work even harder than some people.

    I hear that you may need support and that is okay. Everyone needs support with different things and at different times. It is okay not to be okay. You have reached out for support and that is a great step forwards in the right direction.

    Depression does not define you or what you are capable of achieving. I think for you it will be important to focus on your interests and what you want to achieve.

    For now, though, you need to focus on taking care of yourself, exploring your hobbies, and taking care of your mental health. The rest can come later.

    Small steps forwards and one step at a time. I believe in you and I know you can do this.

    Please remember that you can always contact Samaritans or Papyrus. They are just a message or a call away, the same as we are. I have put their contact details below in case this helps <3

    Samaritans (24/7):

    Call 116 123
    Email jo@samaritans.org

    Papyrus (2 pm -midnight):

    Call 0800 068 41 41
    Email pat@papyrus-uk.org
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    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 4,429 Community Veteran
    Minds stir wen doin f.a, especially at the moment with the corona thingy. Ppl r bored so they cause havoc. It's important to have stuff which u enjoy. Games, a bath, enrol on a course etc. Remember that believe or not it is able for u to take control.
    Crazy mad insane
  • Kate_20Kate_20 Posts: 657 Incredible Poster
    edited December 2021
    ellie2000 wrote: »
    Minds stir wen doin f.a, especially at the moment with the corona thingy. Ppl r bored so they cause havoc. It's important to have stuff which u enjoy. Games, a bath, enrol on a course etc. Remember that believe or not it is able for u to take control.

    @ellie2000 Thanks. I no longer feel so much for so many things l liked. My hobbies are more like tasks that I need to finish and doing them is not making me feel better than doing meaningless things. Plus I am way too tired for anything. I gave up on them again. I feel like a monster. I am doing a course I liked in the beginning but it is nothing now. I am just no longer myself. I'll be this kind of zombie for the rest of my life.
    Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
    Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
    El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 46 Boards Initiate
    @Kate_20 it sounds like you are having a really difficult time right now. You are so brave to reach out and we are here for you. I hope it's ok to ask if you have had any support for your depression and how are you doing today?
  • Kate_20Kate_20 Posts: 657 Incredible Poster
    @Charlotte47 Struggled with suicidal feelings all night last night so I am drained today. I cannot focus enough to watch self-help videos so I went for a walk today not so far from home and did not feel better. I am doing everything for nothing.
    Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
    Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
    El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 46 Boards Initiate
    @Kate_20 that sounds like a really tough night, a walk is often helpful, I am sorry it did not work today. I am really glad you have reached out to the community. Has anything else helped when you feel like this?
  • Kate_20Kate_20 Posts: 657 Incredible Poster
    @Charlotte I really can't think of anything else I can do when I cannot concentrate. My parents are putting extra pressure on me. They asked me to argue with people when I really think it is meaningless.
    Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
    Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
    El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 46 Boards Initiate
    @Kate_20 it sounds like everything is very frustrating and you are tired right now. You are doing so well in reaching out. I just wanted to check if you have spoken to anyone else about how you are feeling?

    If you need urgent help or have any concerns for your health or safety, the quickest way to get help is to call 999 or go to your nearest A&E https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/other-services/Accident and emergency services/LocationSearch/428

    Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, you can text THEMIX to 85258.

    If you are having thoughts of suicide, you can contact HOPELINEUK for confidential support and practical advice. You can call them on 0800 068 4141 or text them on 07786209697.
    * Samaritans are reachable by phone and email 24/7. Whatever you're going through, you can call them any time, from any phone on 116 123


  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,307 Part of The Furniture
    edited December 2021
    Hi @Kate_20

    I am sorry to hear things are difficult for you. Could you please expand on why your parents asked you to argue with people? and which people?

    It sounds like you are having a tough time with your family and things aren't bringing you enjoyment as they usually would. At this time, maybe enjoyment isn't your goal but feeling restful is.

    You say you went for a walk. How was the walk? What did you see? Did you say any nature like greenery or birds?

    You also say you started a course with enjoyment. Could you expand on what the course is and what you initially enjoyed about it?

    Sometimes just reminding ourselves that we have felt motivated before and we will feel it again is reassurance to keep going with those things which we once enjoyed.

    We are here for you and always listening to you <3
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    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • Kate_20Kate_20 Posts: 657 Incredible Poster
    @Laura_tigger82 The walk was kind of okay but I couldn't feel my surroundings. Yeah I could hear the birds and see the trees sometimes. I just felt that I did not want to go for that walk because I felt so heavy.
    Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
    Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
    El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,307 Part of The Furniture
    edited December 2021
    Hi @Kate_20

    Wonderful to hear you could hear the birds and see the trees! How does that make you feel? <3

    If you would rather not go for walks because you feel so heavy, would it help if you could go for a walk with a family member or friend? If so, is there someone you could ask to join you for the company?

    There are also nature sounds on YouTube if you would prefer to sit still and just listen to nature! I have posted some examples below :3

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYoZgpAEkFs, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbodhmmqa-g https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiiYMEWKVnY
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • Kate_20Kate_20 Posts: 657 Incredible Poster
    @Laura_tigger82 I feel like I have to drag myself out of the vicious cycle by doing the opposite of what my depression told me to do so I have to go for a walk if possible. I learned that from an online video. I am very much alone and everyone else is busy.
    Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
    Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
    El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,307 Part of The Furniture
    Very glad to hear you are working against your depression and working towards supporting yourself @Kate_20.

    Just make sure you are also safe and putting your needs first!

    We are always here for you. Sending you big hugs <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    How are you doing today @Kate_20 💜
  • Kate_20Kate_20 Posts: 657 Incredible Poster
    @Kate_20 It was like hell I am dealing with severe physical pain (nearly passed out) and thoughts of suicide all day. Good thing is that I used a bit of the knowledge I learned from therapy to help my mum with her personal issues. She's got insomnia and is having trouble with her emotions. She doesn't know much about mental health. Tbh I myself cannot follow the concepts I learned from therapy but I am still trying to.
    Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
    Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
    El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,307 Part of The Furniture
    edited December 2021
    Hi @Kate_20

    Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out <3

    I am sorry to hear you and your mum are both struggling. This must be a really tough time for both of you.

    I am just wondering if your mum has been to her GP about her insomnia and difficulties with emotions?

    It is good that you are able to support your mum but professionals can help both of you too :3

    Please remember, if you or anyone else needs to, you are always more than welcome to contact Samaritans, Papyrus, or Shout.

    I think it is wonderful that despite your struggles you are still trying to feel better and support others <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
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