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HELP

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
in Home, Law & Money
Hi guys I'm writing this as I am waiting for childline. Is it ok for an adoptive parent to say that your home and room aren't your home and room, just a place to stay. I've had a massive argument and that's what they siad. Please, need help
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  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    Hi @charlieboyz

    This is really upsetting to hear. I am really sorry. You deserve a place to feel like home and a sense of belonging.

    I hope they just said it out of frustration! More importantly, I hope Childline helps. Please feel free to keep us updated :3

    We are here for you and we care <3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,327 Wise Owl
    Hey @charlieboyz

    I'm really sorry that your adoptive parents aren't being kind again! I don't think that's very fair at all, considering they've chosen to take you in and give you a home, it's most definitely your home. I just wanted to check in and see how are you feeling now?
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    Yes, how are you feeling now @charlieboyz? Did you manage to get through to Childline ok? :)
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    No guys it took ages so I gave up but my support worker came so that helped @Brookee @Laura_tigger82 Todays been okay but ijust get frustrated with my mum controlling how much I spend of my xmas money
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    Hi @charlieboyz

    I am really sorry to hear it took a while for them to respond. Have you managed to talk to them since?

    If you would like to but are unsure about how to, you can find the contact details at https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/

    It sounds like things are still unfortunately tough for you. Plus, you don't have to wait until things are immediately happening for you to contact them.

    Childline is there for you in the longer term, just like we are too.

    If you are ever at immediate risk, please contact 999.

    If you feel comfortable answering a question, I have a question for you just to understand more about what you are experiencing. In what ways is your mum controlling how much of your Christmas money you spend?

    Thanks in advance. We are here for you, care about you, and are listening to you :3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    i'm chatting to them now @Laura_tigger82 . Half of my money xmas money goes to school stuff. like i paid for my school uniformn. All £60 of it. And she says no for certain things like some boys clothes and stuff. Ten makes a big deal when i say i don't like some of my clothes and says that i should buy boys clothes but i can't cause i aint allowed
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    Hi @charlieboyz

    I am really sorry to hear this is happening to you. I just want you to be reassured that this level of control is not right and you shouldn't be experiencing this nor do you deserve it.

    How do you deal with this control? I would suggest challenging their control but only if you are in a safe and trusting relationship and environment to do so.

    If you are not in this space, I recommend just removing yourself from this dialogue and into your own space (like your room or another safe room).

    I hope talking to Childline helps!
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    @Laura_tigger82 i've tried to challenge their control before but kinda got hurt. Not the physical kind more the emotional type. :(
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    I am sorry to hear this @charlieboyz :/

    It must be really tough for you.

    I would encourage you to keep reporting it and take care of yourself (which includes giving yourself the distance and space you need).

    We are here for you <3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    thanks @Laura_tigger82
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    You are welcome @charlieboyz. If there's anything, in particular, we can do to support you in this time of difficulty please don't hesitate to let us know and we will certainly do our best to help! We are listening to you and care about you :3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 343 The Mix Regular
    charlieboyz wrote: »
    @Laura_tigger82 i've tried to challenge their control before but kinda got hurt. Not the physical kind more the emotional type. :(

    Hope you are doing okay @charlieboyz . I'm sure you know but someone hurting you emotionally is just as unacceptable as someone physically hurting you.

    Have you discussed this with your support worker?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    @Jordan yeah i have she wanted to know if i wanted her to tell the social worker but i said no cause whenever i tell the socila worker anything, it always makes it worse.
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    Make sure they know it gets worse when you tell them @charlieboyz :/

    Try not to let that put you off from telling someone! <3
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  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 236 Trailblazer
    Hey @charlieboyz

    I just wanted to jump in and say thanks for sharing what's going on for you. To echo @Jordan and @Laura_tigger82 - emotional abuse and control are not okay, and every bit as serious as physical abuse. No one has the right to make you feel this way and you are doing the right thing by reaching out and talking about it. I know this isn't an easy thing to do. <3

    Did your care worker have any other thoughts when you shared your concerns? I can understand you not wanting to tell the social worker if you have had bad experiences of this in the past. Is it worth chatting through some of these past experiences with your care worker?

    In the meantime if you are feeling unsafe, reach out. As Laura said Childline is a great place for support, and our helpline is here too.

    Childline: 0800 1111 https://www.childline.org.uk/ Childine is open 24/7

    The Mix Helpline 0808 808 4994: https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team The Mix helpline is available from 3pm-12am

    If you feel unsafe you can call emergency services on 999

    I realise you may have these contact numbers but it's always good to have them fresh if you need them.

    @charlieboyz this is an incredibly difficult situation an you are doing so well, you have recognised that the behaviour isn't okay, told your care worker and are reaching out for support here. These are all things which take a lot of courage.

    I hope you're doing okay.

    “People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”
    -     Brene Brown

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    thank you @Italia my care worker just listened and didn't say anything. That kinda felt good because before people whom i reported it to would always try and tell me i was safe.
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    Yay! I am so glad you can trust your care worker and they were supporting and validating @charlieboyz :3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 41 Boards Initiate
    I am so sorry to read your post @charlieboyz, I agree with the comments that @italia and @jordan said. Emotional abuse is no more excuseable than physical abuse.

    I am so glad that you trust your care worker and you can talk to her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    hey guys. todays been so hard. help
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    Hi @charlieboyz :3

    I am sorry to hear today has been difficult. Would you like to talk to us about why it has been difficult? :/

    We are right here. Thanks for reaching out to us. We always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out <3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    I can'yt do it anymore @Laura_tigger82 i cant live like this
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,327 Wise Owl
    @charlieboyz Hi love!

    I'm so sorry to read you've been struggling again, this is really unfair. Have you managed to reach out to your social worker to let them know that you're really struggling to cope at the moment with your living situation. How are you feeling, how's your mental health?
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    edited January 2022
    Hi @charlieboyz

    I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much. You have been fighting so hard and for so long. I think you are really brave. I want you to know that you don't have to do this alone.

    You have us, Childline, Samaritans, and Papyrus. What in particular is making you feel this way today?

    Sending you big virtual hugs <3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    Hey @Laura_tigger82 and @Brookee, I had many arguments yesterday but spoke to childline. They called an ambulance without me knowing. Spent night in hospital. Home now. And I'm definitely being put into care. They said it'll take 1-2 weeks. Thank the lord! Got quite mad when they sent me home because I didn't feel safe. Like if I went home, I was worried that I was going start thinking negative thoughts again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    They kind of have started already. Only been home an hour
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    edited January 2022
    Hi @charlieboyz

    I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You are going through so much. Yet, you are being so brave and courageous through it all.

    I am really pleased to hear you weren't alone and that Childline helped. Oh gosh, have you been discharged to your home without extra support in place? I am so sorry.

    If you need to speak to someone, please don't hesitate to re-contact Childline. If it is an emergency or you don't feel safe, please call 999.

    What has started already?

    We are here for you and listening to you <3
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    So so true, as @Laura_tigger82 has emphasised beautifully throughout this thread of yours, you are quite literally so very brave, and being forced to deal with such horrendous experiences is just awful. Home should be a place of safety and warmth, not one of fear and abuse. The fact that your adoptive parents would weaponize your home environment to take you on a guilt-trip is unacceptable, and I am glad that you have been so strong in being vulnerable and open and not only telling us, but also Childline. No one deserves to suffer in this way. Would you like to talk some more about how you're feeling in the wake of the news of being put into care? <3 xxx
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    I'm elated at @AislingDM considering I've wanted for two years. But what about school, will I have to move school, what will happen?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    @Laura_tigger82 I said that it had started already meaning suicidal thoughts, I was trying to be sensitive in case people reading this were triggered by this
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    Hi @charlieboyz

    I have just responded to your other thread but I will post it here too in case it helps!

    I can hear your mixed emotions. It is both a positive time for you and a nervous time.

    In all honesty, the school will depend on if you are moved into social care in the same area or in a different area. If you live in the same area, you can sometimes attend the same school.

    Childline has more information about this at https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/living-care/ which you might find useful.

    If you have any questions or need anything to be clarified, please ask away!

    In terms of suicidal thoughts, please feel free to reach out to us, Childline, Samaritans, Papyrus, and Shout.

    It is more than understandable that you are currently struggling. You are currently experiencing something that no one ever should have to but you are not alone.

    We are here for you, listening to you, and caring about you <3
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