What does it mean to not feel your gender?

Former Member

Now I know about trans people, I'm not asking about that.

I mean what does it mean to "feel like" a girl or "feel like" a boy (or neither/both or whatever?).

What does being a girl feel like? I'm a girl and I don't know what it means to feel like a girl. Or not feel like a girl? I mean do we really know what being a girl feels like? We can only experience our own feelings, so really our feelings are the only ones that are valid and true to us?

I'm aware this will be a touchy subject and it's not coming out of spite, hate or anything else, simply curiosity.

I was much more of a tomboy growing up, I never enjoyed dance or that. I did football, martial arts, ice hockey and rock climbing, scouts over brownies and all that. Tree climbing etc. Now that doesn't make me a boy? But people these days seem to identify their kids as transgender as soon as their little girl picks up a car instead of a doll.

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Why not let kids be kids and if they talk about it then allow them to explore their gender identity or sexual orientation.

I just don't understand the need to label and assume people.

Former Member

I don't care much about being a guy but nothing feels wrong about me being a guy, whereas for a trans woman they would probably have grown up being called a guy and just known that it didn't feel right. It's hard to say but as long as you're happy with whatever gender you're referred to as that's probably what it means to feel a gender.

Like if someone called me "she" it would feel wrong to me, but "he" wouldn't, the fact that I'm not trans is probably the only reason I've not thought about this much, but despite not being something I think about much I still just have a preference for "he/him" pronouns, wouldn't mind if someone called me "they" as it's neutral but "she" would just feel wrong. Maybe to feel a gender is just to not feel uncomfortable with how your gender is expressed (pronouns, fashion etc).

Someone with more experience in not feeling a gender might be able to give a better answer but for whatever reason I have typed this message so I might as well send it.

Former Member

@Anch0r33 I understand your points and can completely appreciate your views. It is important to understand that gender and sex are different, which I'm sure you already know, but also that gender is the product of society. For example, did you know only a few hundred years ago, pink was considered a 'boy's colour' because it's strong and vibrant? One thing I do have to say is that is it the parents making this decision for their child or is it the child? Also, a counterpoint could be that this new influx of transgender children can make other children who feel that they are transgender more comfortable and supported. What if a closeted child sees another transgender child and realises that they are transgender? Back to your original point (I seem to have gotten off track), feeling like a girl is feeling like the product society has made a girl to feel like. For example, feeling like a girl is feeling dainty and pretty because that is what society has told girls to be. Please don't take my answer too seriously, I am sure none of this makes sense. I do have to say that I am happy this discussion is taking place (improving debate skills, making people more open-minded and thought formulation).

Maisy

This is an interesting discussion. Personally, I do believe that sex and gender are different things and that gender is largely a product of what society expects a boy or girl to be like.

I think not feeling like a girl, not feeling like your gender, mainly means not feeling like you are what society expects a girl to be like. I do think that there are some people who are less concerned with societal expectations and are more concerned with their own bodies- for example, a girl feeling that having periods and breasts is wrong to them.

I've never been 'girly' but I also agree that it is really difficult to define what 'feeling a girl' actually feels like. We all experience our sex/gender differently and it depends on so many different variables- from how we feel to our life experiences, both good and bad.

I watched an interesting documentary by Louis Theroux on transgender kids. It was difficult to say whether it was parent or child led, though it did look like some, not all, parents seem to take that if their son wanted to wear dresses then they were trans. They don't seem to think that maybe he just liked the feel of a dress (spinning around in it) or that they liked the colours of the dress (sparkly). I don't believe that such things would make a child trans.

Also, there is an overlap between being autistic and feeling like you don't belong or don't match your gender and being transgender. The problem is when autism is undiagnosed and someone thinks that because they don't feel like their gender, then they must be trans. When that's not necessarily true. That's not to say that all autistic people are trans or all trans people are autistic or that there are no trans people. Just that it's quite a complex and emotive subject. I definitely agree with letting kids be kids!

AislingDM

I loved your answer @Apollo !! I think this is a really cool and insightful way to explain things. One thing that is tough about giving insight to things like this, is it sometimes comes down to a 'when you know, you know' situation. In which, as you said, something about it just doesn't feel right. Love the openness of this discussion guys xxx

Former Member

I don't think there is such thing tbh since the sex you are born shouldn't limit how you should be able to act and be allowed to feel like boys are allowed to cry etc. (In some cultures they are)
but sometimes it can feel like that way because of societal expectations.
I think it's like stereotypes, generalisations more guys tend be a certain way and more girls a certain way, but some of it is very much cultural and varies from country. It's about norms. Like no way is it innate that women need to follow certain beauty practices to be accepted as such. Most women don't seem to wear dresses very much anymore anyway


Like maybe it is possible to "feel like" in the sense you relate better to such group.
Like some girls they have mostly guy friends and some boys mostly girl friends cuz they related better to them. And they look up to such ppl. And you might relate to characters opposite to your sex in the media, but I think a lot of characters in the media are very flat cut out characters tbh.

As well as meeting sexuality expectations like if your gay you might feel like question things especially if you don't fit other expectations too like of masculinity etc.

I mean I think kids can play around with their identity for sure but we don't need to label them solidly,
I think that is interfering with their play and forming of identity especially at a very young age when things are so fluid, we take on lots of identities one day you may be a pirate the next a nurse. If they want to later on choose certain labels, roles in life etc. Cool. I think some parents and adults in responsibility project their issues onto kids or treat them as little adults instead of having proper responsible boundaries and caring for their needs (but not suppressing them or forcing complicated ideas upon them). Kids will figure out what they want later when more developed, they still have a lot to learn anyways.

Former Member

This has been a super interesting discussion, really glad I put it up!

Super keen to hear more insights so keep em coming!

This is such an important topic, especially in today's day and age, and I think it's so important to realise that gender is and feels different for everyone, there's no right or wrong

AislingDM

1000% @Anch0r33 !! and I think one thing that feels quite clear from the responses is that everyone seems to be prioritising children's happiness and own journeys of discovery, without trying to be judgemental or to force them to be someone they're not Love to see such warm and open attitudes guys xx

Laura_tigger82

I agree with @AislingDM

Being true to who you are is the most important thing