Making or breaking myself down I'm not sure anymore

awesomeminecraft6789

Hi guys

Where do I begin? This has been a shit year for me and I feel like I need to vent about why

So this year started well I was in a relationship and I had lots of friends now that the relationship is gone I feel like I'm getting in the way of people enjoying themselves cause I keep throwing problems at people and they mainly say the same thing I mean I've got another year but it feels like I'm already gone because i keep avoiding my problems and ignoring the truth I always have time to think about it when I'm by myself but it doesn't really help I feel the need to breakdown and cry and let it all out but I've kept the tears I've needed to shed inside its all gonna come out eventually Ik it will but I also know it'll come out in one big breakdown I've been suffering a lot since that break up with voices in my head telling me to do this but I just can't, every. Single. Day.its the same thing over and over again voices telling me I'm nothing I'm not worth it people say they understand and to get over it but they just don't know what I'm going through if they did they would understand but they don't none of them do.

So what started all this? Break up? Yes but it's not just that in my old school I used to get bullied badly because I was "different" I told my ex this she said you shouldn't let what they say get to your head i appreciate that rationale sure but my mind don't work like that once something like that happens it stresses me and since I'm an introvert (a person who doesn't really like the company of others I think for those of you who don't know) it gets to me the effect that break up had on me wasn't because I'm an introvert it's because I really loved that girl and for some reason I still do now I've told her now but it still feels wrong I don't know why anyway what happened at my old school has had a long-term effect on me I don't think most people understand that bullying can have long term effects on people and it's definitely not done me any good in relationships because their always like why don't you talk to me? And the last break up it made me hate myself for being who I am because it ended because I can't talk whilst I blame the other person I also blame myself probably more than i blame her and I keep wishing we were still together because it would make me feel better and I wouldnt constantly be blaming myself it's funny how this state Im in stemed from a single break up it just shows how emotional I can get sometimes that shouldn't bother me but it does because I have so much hate and so much loathing for myself that I always blame me even when it's not my fault

I really need to vent and get my true feelings come to the surface because if I don't, I think I'm going to lose it

So why am I making this post? it's because everything that I've been through this year it's starting to build up and when people don't get their feelings out it can lead to a lot of pent up rage or whatever and if you don't let it all out it can literally destroy you and I already feel that way because trust me guys I've held all my emotions In for far too long and if I keep it up I think I'll actually end up snapping I don't really swear but I feel like if I do snap it's all going to come out and I feel like I might hurt peoples feelings like my friends or family or both and I don't want that I try to express how I feel but I just can't because I don't really trust people anymore and I haven't for a long time I have friends and I have you guys but idk it just feels so temporary like everything else in my life which so far has been filled with bad luck and just horrible people who don't treat me like them because I'm disabled or according to them Mental I used to want to talk I used to want to do things but since that happened my opinion on life and a few other things has changed for the worst I've survived it all and I've fought to not hurt myself or other people but i don't know how long that will last

Sorry for the long rant but I honestly feeling like shit right now

Former Member

@awesomeminecraft6789 Hello!

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling right now. First of all, I wanted to express how strong I think you are for opening up here and expressing how you're feeling. This is incredible, and this is always a safe space for you. I just wanted to let you know that it's okay to feel the way you feel, you and your feelings are valid. Break-ups are unique to each individual, they will affect you differently and to a different extent to other people around you. Be gentle with yourself whenever you can, because these situations aren't easy to navigate. It's okay to take your time to get through this, healing isn't linear, and there is no right or wrong way to deal with this or for how long you need to process and heal from it.

I would say that it may help to sit with these emotions, it can be really cathartic and helpful to feel these emotions and if you need to cry, let it out. It's nothing at all to be ashamed of.

I'm so sorry to read about your past experiences with bullying. It's understandable that you're struggling right now, bullying can have a lot of long-term impacts on mental health. I am wondering, have you ever tried writing down your feelings and emotions down, so you can explain to others how you're feeling? This can be helpful when it's difficult to accurately express how you're feeling to someone else. I'm just going to reiterate that it's okay to feel how you feel, your feelings are always valid. I know it can be easy to fall back into patterns of self-hatred when something happens that causes us intense pain and distress, however, you're going through a difficult time right now, and it's important to try and be gentle with yourself. Do something that makes you feel safe and comforted whilst you're healing through this. I am wondering if you've ever thought about potentially trying therapy? It can be a very beneficial way to deal with and express these emotions. The Mix do offer a free counselling service, if you feel that would benefit you.

It's really commendable of you to come on here and express how you're feeling and be with these emotions. It can be really difficult to deal with these emotions on your own and I just want to reiterate that we are always here for you, whenever you need it. You should be really proud of yourself for reaching out when you know you need it, it's incredibly brave of you, and shouldn't go unnoticed.

Please don't apologise, we're here to support you and offer you a safe space to vent these feelings out. I'm sending you so much love right now

Former Member

Sending so much love and support your way. I am so very proud of you for expressing yourself here and for being open and honest about difficult feelings and experiences. This isn't always easy to do, so you are doing really well

I would firstly love to echo everything that @Brookee has said - couldn't have put it better myself.

You mentioned writing this post because you feel close to snapping from your pent up emotions. I'm wondering, how do you feel after sharing this?

Similar to writing, when I have a lot of emotions I like to leave voice notes to myself. It might sound strange, but it's a good way to get lots of feelings out when you perhaps can't find the words, or when it feels there are too many words to write. I hit record and just speak out loud everything that I'm feeling, going off on any tangents that my head comes to. I'm wondering how this might be for you too

I want you to know that we are right here for you. These boards are a space where you can always share how you are feeling and we will listen and hold space for you. Take good care

awesomeminecraft6789

Thank you guys that really makes me feel a lot better and going back to what you guys said about therapy I've never really considered it because the way my mind works is if things are bad I don't think much of it and not told anyone but when it gets really bad that's when I tell I'm not sure if that's the right way to live but it's what I believe is best for me

About what you guys said about potentially writing down notes I've never done that because my way of letting go of things is to cry and I have felt like crying and I know it's nothing to be ashamed about but I just cant i try and try but it won't come out which then puts me In an even worse mood Because I'm not sure why but it just does I think it's because now I'm so broken that even tears don't help 😢

AislingDM

That must make processing your intense emotions even harder @awesomeminecraft6789 , like you want to be able to express the pain you're in and let yourself cry but it just isn't happening. I cannot begin to imagine how much more stressful this makes your life. I think it's really cool though that despite all of this, you can see the truth is others' messages and that you really do deserve support throughout your mental anguish. Having to shoulder it all alone is something no one should be left to do but in some ways it becomes like a default setting for us. I sincerely believe that you deserve to share your pain with others to (hopefully) gain some relief, and that's why I'm glad that through it all at least you're here talking to us

awesomeminecraft6789

Hi @AislingDM

Thank you it is really hard because I really don't know how to express myself especially now it just really sucks you know? I know people say it's ok to cry but with me it's ridiculously hard to I've tried to make myself cry but now that ive gotten used to not crying it makes my life a lot harder

Former Member

@awesomeminecraft6789 That seems really difficult. I am really sorry that the way you want to express your emotions just isn't allowing you to.

Is there any other way that you could potentially get these feelings out? For example, does playing certain video games help or punching a pillow? I think it could be beneficial to find alternative coping strategies for these times of anguish, particularly if crying is becoming a difficult outlet.

It's incredible that you are trying though. I know it can be so hard to sit with those feelings, particularly when they're so negative and overwhelming, but you should be so proud of yourself for even thinking about dealing with these emotions.

AislingDM

I completely echo what Brookee has said, sometimes crying is not the only way to let these intense negative emotions out, and looking for alternative ways to process these emotions outwardly can be useful.

I know looking for alternatives doesn't totally take away from the unbearable feeling that crying itself is so impossible and far away. I can tell it's something you've been wanting for a while, and for it to be out of your reach must be so draining. Is there ever a time where crying feels more possible? (more than okay not to answer this if you don't want to). xxx

AislingDM

Just wanted to check in to see if you're feeling okay? No pressure at all xx

awesomeminecraft6789

Not really I'm feeling depressed again it does my head in I'm ok just depressed