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I am a nice person I hate it
Former Member
Posts: 61 Boards Initiate
I am so tired of being a nice understanding human being as all it does is make you completely alone. People forget you have feelings and that if u cancel plans cause u got a better offer that just cause I understand why you cancelled them doesn't mean I am going to feel good about it. It would be nice for once someone put me first instead of being everyone dumping ground, someone they can just pick up and use whenever they want.
It be nice for once if someone said to someone I am sorry but I made plans with me, rather than creating new plans with that someone and then go back to me to cancel.
But I can't be the alternative because then I am a psycho jackass.
It be nice for once if someone said to someone I am sorry but I made plans with me, rather than creating new plans with that someone and then go back to me to cancel.
But I can't be the alternative because then I am a psycho jackass.
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Comments
I hope you're feeling a little better! I absolutely agree with what everyone else has said, it's important to set your own boundaries. Letting your friends know that what they're doing is making you feel like a second option would be a good way of standing up for yourself and asserting your feelings.
I think what I want to say is:
Always remember your own worth. You said in your post that your friends often abandon your plans if a "better offer" comes up, but hanging out with someone else is not a "better offer"! Your friends should appreciate you for who you are and wish to spend time with you because of that.
You're kind and understanding, and although others may take advantage of those traits to get away with mistreating you, that doesn't make having them any less worthwhile. People taking advantage of your kindness should be to the detriment of the friendship, not the detriment of your good nature.
I'll be wishing you the best
Thank you for being this person. I've been in that place, and it does feel really unfair sometimes. But don't change who you are because of this experience - stay true to your good nature
I spoke to a therapist and we both basically came on the conclusion that no one is ever going to put my first and anything I arrange with people will always have to feel like a maybe it will happen rather than it will. I will never find someone that is so invested in me that they will put me first like I with the people around me. Though saying that I appreciate the advice of just not hanging around these people cause essentially there not worth it and that is what I been doing for the past 5 years but what that has done is left me with one friend in the world who I only just met and now I am completely alone cause my one friend obviously has friends they know for years and I am the newbies therefore won't be there first choice to go to hang out.
It is so depressing that there isn't anyone in the world that would help me if I was struggling. Or would arrange to hang out with me as it is always me making the plans, I have never had someone send me a message saying "hey do you want to hang out this Saturday" i am always the person sending that message and then getting disappointed last minute when they do a 360 saying they can't make it. (Mostly because they either don't want to or made other plans with other mates over the top of mine, obviously a reasonable excuse I am always understanding to)
I just feel so isolated and alone that it's getting to me a lot.
I think that it might be best for oyu to start putting yourself firsrt, and doing things yourself, instead of letting plan go to waste because people cancelled go out and do those things anyway.
I found a really interesting article on Young Mind's website that you might find interesting. One of the key messages is:
And there are options for you if you do want to talk to someone who's not on the Mix
Hope this helps in one way or another. You're being incredibly brave and people on here care about you and want to support x
p.s being a nice person is one of the best qualities you can have - don't ever let anyone change that ☺️ lots of love, G xxx
I notice you tend to feel that no-one is EVER going to put you first and that you will NEVER find someone who will put you first. What makes you say that? I understand that if you had many, many occasions where it has felt like people don't put in the effort, then you may feel this way, but this is faulty thinking since it's not guaranteed. You may come across people that will put in the effort, just as much as you. You may find people who will put you first. It's not guaranteed, but then, neither is it guaranteed that you will never find those people either.
It is difficult to lower expectations of others, but I agree with your therapist that when making plans with the people you are referring to, you may want to lower your expectations so that it may or may not happen. Maybe you can make an alternate plan, just in case the other person cancels? That way then, even if it doesn't go ahead, you've got something to look forward to.
I'm sorry that this all started because of a friend that cancelled only to have made plans with someone else. That is disappointing and upsetting for you and I understand that you'd want to distance yourself from them. What about your other friends? Some times people are just crap at replying or get distracted easily. Frequently, my friends read my messages and take anywhere between days and weeks (or even months!) to respond. Equally, I often find that I have to message them first. It's okay to be understanding and accepting, but so long as your friends do actually spend time with you and put in some effort. Otherwise, it's not fair on you.
And if you have decided to cut your losses with your friends, then it can help to start making some new ones. Starting out in a new friendship might feel different, but maybe you can let your new friends know that you'd like to hang out sometime just to see if they would be interested in making plans with you in the future.
Thanks for the messages. I been reflecting on all the comments. I don't think you quite realise though I only have this one friend. I don't have family or anyone else. Its quite hard when you only have one person to rely on but there not quite there for you.
It's all easy saying to make new friendships but the question is where and how. I can't join clubs as I don't get home from work till late and then I cant afford to join places like the gym or other activities cause I can't afford it. I am not into making any online friends, just not something that I find comfortable doing. I appreciate the ideas and support but I don't think it's come across just how isolated or lonely I am. I put it into perspective that if anything happened to me no one would know. Work wouldn't know nor notice cause I don't have an emergency contact down equally they don't know where I live apart from the area and they honesty would think I done a runner cause its a very poor designed company.i would rot where I am in my flat cause no one cares about me.
I am just exhausted only doing everything for someone. Always be the one driving to see them, lending money, being there for them when they need me, changing my plans to fit around there's, sacrificing my life to spend just a small amount of time with someone. I just want to make them happy and anything I can do to make there life easier cause I know how cruel the world can be and how important having someone to lean on for support means. And the worse part is I wouldn't change any of that cause its who I am and I am glad I am this person but it is depressing knowing I wouldn't receive a small amount of support back. A stupid example being I don't mind driving down everything to see them but a small gesture of appreciation could be I don't know they help pay for the petrol or paid for dinner or even just acknowledge it!!!
I think the one piece of advice that you guys have given me is to lower me expectations to basically there not being any at all. I guess I will always be alone and there isn't going to be anyone who will make me feel important cause I am just a nobody at the end of the day.
I am genuinely so sorry for what you're going through right now. It can be very difficult when you feel lost and lonely in such a busy world. It can feel so overwhelming and consuming when you don't have a large support network to rely on. It's important to reiterate that we're always here for you, I know that can be little comfort when the loneliness is consuming, but I just want you to know people really do care about you and your well-being.
I also understand it can very difficult to make friendships as we get older and there seems less and less opportunities. I wonder, is there anyone or a group of people where you work that you could maybe begin to socialise with? Seeing as they'd all understand the rota schedules and maybe be able to work around this? It's completely okay that you don't feel comfortable making online friendships. You should do what's most comfortable for you.
Also, if you feel like this is something that's possible for you, I understand it might not due to your work schedule and other personal feelings, have you thought about volunteering? It can help with feeling so lonely. There are several health and social care services offering volunteering, from supporting others on forums to befriending elderly people.
I understand that feeling of exhaustion when you feel like you're putting in all the effort on one half of a relationship. It's okay that this is how you are, it's an amazing quality to have that you're so generous, kind and giving. It only becomes a problem when you become taken advantage of, but again, the fault doesn't lie with you there. Your feelings are completely valid, and they always will be.
You are somebody, and you do deserve love and consistent support. I wonder if you've thought about accessing counselling? this can be really helpful in coming to terms with these exhausting and draining feelings. I know it's not an ideal choice for everyone, and it's completely okay if this doesn't align with your feelings or wishes. I just want to help you as best I can.
I know you said that you don't feel comfortable having online friends, but I just wanted to let you know that TheMix do have weekly group chats that you can attend and talk to others, you don't necessarily have to make friends, it could just be a good way to outlet your feelings and feel heard and listened to.
I'm also just going to link this useful video TheMix have on Youtube to help combat loneliness:
I hope this helps even slightly, and remember we're always here for you
Sending you so much love, and remember you deserve love and to be gentle and kind to yourself.
I understand having only one person to rely on. While I'm not in the same predicament as you, I can empathise somewhat as for a few years I had only one friend. And I also understand that simply saying to make new friends is a lot easier said than done. You don't have to join clubs or deliberately try to make friends online. Sometimes just finding out what you are interested in and doing that can lead to opportunities to meet others.
Getting to know yourself can help not only with future friendships but to also make sure that you aren't getting taken for granted either.