Overwhelmed with anxiety

Former Member

I have lived with anxiety my whole life, but I have never been this overwhelmed, I have been struggling ever since I found out I was pregnant, coming to terms with my situation and my future, this pregnancy has me in a spin, it has exacerbated all of my preexisting anxiety and has come many years earlier than me and my BF had originally planned, our circumstances aren't exactly ideal, we both still live with our parents and he has no plans of renting privately, he is solely banking on us being provided council accommodation.

Honestly, things could be much better, our relationship has really soured for me during these past months, I don't know if it's hormones or whether I just didn't notice things before.
I no longer look forward to seeing him, I never miss him anymore, it's like he embodies everything I am afraid of, to the point where being with him or thinking of our relationship or this baby makes me have severe panic attacks, sobbing like someone just died and all day vomiting, from the moment I wake up I am tormented by my own warring thoughts, I have to stay awake late (I sleep at 5 or 6am ish) to get numb enough from the tiredness to get relief from my thoughts, feelings and impending reality.
I feel like we are at odds, we're just silently drifting toward disaster, he's told me that if I raise my baby here with my parents that I am cutting him out, I know he will turn bitter towards me if I do things as I need to for my health.
I wish I had it in me to abort my baby but if I can't even kill a bug, how could I kill my child?

I find myself dreading his presence and longing to just be with my family.
I feel like a fool because I must still love him because I'm still with him, but I no longer find joy in our relationship, I find saying "I love you" feels like forced filler in our empty conversations, even though we have been as inseparable best friends until now, we were each others firsts for everything, we used to have share our souls but now I feel so much pain and I have to hold it in, it hurts when I can see our happy memories clearly in my head but I know they're not coming back.
I feel like I would lose part of myself if I lose him but I feel so awful.
In every situation and sense, I am damned if I do or don’t.

I used to be the one pushing for marriage and moving out, but the shock I had from this pregnancy has made me realise being with my family is my priority, which he is not happy about.
I'm just not ready to move forward in this stage of my life.

He is not willing to wait to move at my pace.
He has given me the ultimatum that I need to move out into a flat (who knows how quickly he thinks council gives them out) a year after the baby is born, originally he was pressuring me to move into his tiny bedroom immediately after the birth but I told him I wouldn't be happy under such confined conditions, I have severe social anxiety and don't want to socialise with his family, or trade mine for his.
I just keep noticing so much pressure, even the other day I finally gathered my mental strength to spend the day at his, he was getting frustrated at me for not choosing what to eat (when I was about to pass out and or puke or both in the shops) and then later in that day he wasn't happy with me messaging my sister my phone, kept grabbing it off me and reading our conversation (side note, last month I found out he actually was spying on my facebook, reading all my messages on his phone idk how he had my password, when he confronted me on the drafts I had been typing up of my thoughts to my sister, that I was going to send him anyway once I had gotten the proper wording that conveyed my feelings at that time about me not wanting to move out yet, I forgave it like a sap) that eve he kept asking me whether I would have sex that night, to which I had already told him I felt gut-wrenchingly nauseous, I regret caving and putting myself aside again to please him.
Another thing, he was pressuring me that he was going to take the baby from me if I was "unwell" after the birth and "unable to care for it" for his grandparents presumably to care for, as he works full time and he "wouldn't back down" on this for ages until we argued and I found out he thought I was going to kill the baby when it's born because of how anxious I have been feeling during this pregnancy.
Then had the audacity at a later point to be "offended and hurt I would think that of him" that I said I wouldn't want us to hit our kid as punishment as his dad did to him.

If I could I would rewind time and just remain a hermit in my bedroom forever, at least I found bittersweet happiness in my depression back then, I feel like I haven't gained anything since then, I feel like I'm losing everything

Sorry for the long post

Former Member

@DillyDally Hello, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Relationship pressures such as this can be really difficult to navigate.
I am sorry that I cannot provide any helpful advice, but I would like to recommend a few professional helplines and online chat services that may be able to help greatly.

The Spark https://thespark.org.uk/relationship-support-for-couples-individuals/relationship-helpline/ (this is a free helpline for relationship counselling. you can go as individual or pair)
The Mix's service chats and helplines can assist you as well.
Here's a comprehensive list of various helplines:
https://www.itv.com/thismorning/articles/relationships-helplines

I wish you all the best.

AislingDM

You must be feeling simply so drained and exasperated right now, @DillyDally ! To have to process such intense and overwhelming emotions at any point would be beyond stressful, let alone whilst pregnant. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated in your relationship, and part of that is feeling like your emotions and opinions are being heard and validated by your partner. Given that you have continually expressed your thoughts on different matters (e.g., where to live, how to raise the child) and you have been met with resistance, this must leave you feeling extremely confused in the relationship. Because your boyfriend is giving you such a huge ultimatum, it's no wonder you're left feeling uncertain of your love for him. From what you've said, it sounds like your anxiety and distress is being further overwhelmed by his lack of support throughout your pregnancy (e.g., like spying on your facebook). It's beyond reasonable to feel panicked and physically nauseous about seeing him when he is hardly supporting you in the way you deserve and need ! It seems as though your feelings are being left on the back burner a lot, in favour of making him happy, which certainly does not add up to the fair relationship that you so truly deserve, especially when pregnant.

As has already been said, you honestly do deserve to talk to someone about how this intense anxiety about your relationship is making you feel more generally. Feeling alone and isolated, especially when your boyfriend could cause more isolation through his ultimatum, is terrifying, and you do not have to do this by yourself. Honest communication is the best step, and sometimes it can be easier to talk to strangers, which is why I do also recommend, The Spark, and potentially this website which aims to support pregnant people and their babies:

https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/mental-wellbeing/relationship-problems-and-pregnancy

It also offers advice about the change in a relationship from 'couple to parents'.

I do hope you can know some peace and happiness soon, because you truly do deserve it

AislingDM

Just wanted to check in to see how you are doing @DillyDally ? here if you need xx

Former Member

Insight timer is a great app I have found for guided mediations with ones tailored to anxiety, I feel like meditative breathing exercises would be beneficial for both you and baby to ease some anxiety. I am really sorry that you feel this way and I cannot imagine how difficult it must be, sending hugs

Past User

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Maisy

It sounds very difficult for you, feeling anxious and overwhelmed while coming to terms with your pregnancy, future living arrangements and the state of your relationship with your boyfriend.

While it could indeed be hormones that are affecting how you feel towards your boyfriend, but chances are, after everything you have said, it's likely that hormones aren't the cause of your problems but that your boyfriend is.

He seems to be under the impression that if you choose to stay at home and raise the baby there, then he will be cut out. He seems insecure...but he shouldn't be pressuring you to move in with him, or to give an ultimatum to move into council housing a year after the baby has arrived.

Likewise, he had no right to get annoyed with you for not choosing what to eat and definitely no right to grab your phone off you while you were talking to your sister. And definitely not spying on your social media or messages either. These are signs of controlling behaviour, which can be abusive.

He shouldn't have pressured you into having sex when you didn't feel up to it. That's rape as you didn't give enthusiastic consent.

Being anxious, especially in pregnancy and as a first time parent, is fairly common. It doesn't mean that you will hurt the child and it is bizarre for your boyfriend to think this and say that he (or his grandparents) will take care of the baby if you are unable to look after it. This is unlikely to happen but if it did, you should contact citizens advice as they have a handy guide on making such arrangements https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/making-agreements-about-your-children/making-child-arrangements

It sounds like you are unsure about this pregnancy, but also don't think you could go through with abortion. Brook has a helpful article regarding your pregnancy options https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/making-a-decision-about-a-pregnancy/ if you think it's worth checking out.

It seems like your family might offer you support. Are you able to talk to them and let them know everything that has been going on with your boyfriend? You might also want to discuss this with your midwife/health advisor too. You could also contact Relate as they specialise in relationships and counselling: https://www.relate.org.uk/