My daily struggles are boring now I am sick of myself (TW: suicidal feelings)

Kate_20

I don't know why the suggestions from the crisis team did not work well. I bought some easy to eat food but I am never satisfied with the food. I have to make my own food in order to feel like I am of any kind of use. And I hate myself for being like this, worrying about things that I cannot fix or acting like an attention seeker, crying about my unimportant problems. I can never remember the things that I read and I feel stupid. I also cannot get myself to do the work I need because I am so tired or I feel physically unwell. I am sure I do not have a physical problem so yeah it was all in my head. But why can't I just pull through it? And I think about killing myself with the same method but I am such a coward. I would imagine that it might cost extra money or even my loved ones' lives. I am the one who needs and deserves to die, not them. I cannot create value and can only make this world a worse place. Why should I exist anyways?

AislingDM

I can hear how much pain you're in right now @Kate_20 , you've clearly been suffering for such a long time in so many ways, it's no wonder you feel simply exhausted by it all. It must be especially draining to worry so much and to feel like your problems are not legitimate or 'real'. I truly promise you that the pain you are in is real and you certainly are no 'attention-seeker' for needing help throughout this. It sound like you have a confusing array of thoughts that conflict each other, this must be really scary and overwhelming. Given how much constant distress you're in, it's beyond understandable to feel there is no way out, but I truly promise you, you do not deserve to die, Kate. I know that this probably won't change how you're feeling right now though, and that's okay too. I know you're trying so hard to be here and for this I am thankful.

I'm wondering what do you think makes you feel like you need to be 'of some kind of use'?

Huge hugs and love xx

emilypig

Hi @Kate_20 I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well at the moment. It does sound really scary to have so many overwhelming thoughts and especially those about ending your life. I'd just like to second what @AislingDM has said- that you most definitely do not deserve to die.

I'm wondering if you feel as if you really want to end your life, or if you would like the current situation that you're in to end? If it is the latter, what would you change if you could? We are all here to support you, please remember that

Kate_20

Sorry for not replying on time. I am really afraid of replying wrongly as I cannot think clearly.

Kate_20

AislingDM wrote: »

I can hear how much pain you're in right now @Kate_20 , you've clearly been suffering for such a long time in so many ways, it's no wonder you feel simply exhausted by it all. It must be especially draining to worry so much and to feel like your problems are not legitimate or 'real'. I truly promise you that the pain you are in is real and you certainly are no 'attention-seeker' for needing help throughout this. It sound like you have a confusing array of thoughts that conflict each other, this must be really scary and overwhelming. Given how much constant distress you're in, it's beyond understandable to feel there is no way out, but I truly promise you, you do not deserve to die, Kate. I know that this probably won't change how you're feeling right now though, and that's okay too. I know you're trying so hard to be here and for this I am thankful.

I'm wondering what do you think makes you feel like you need to be 'of some kind of use'?

Huge hugs and love xx

@AislingDM That is a good question. I think everyone has to create some sort of value.

Kate_20

emilypig wrote: »

Hi @Kate_20 I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well at the moment. It does sound really scary to have so many overwhelming thoughts and especially those about ending your life. I'd just like to second what @AislingDM has said- that you most definitely do not deserve to die.

I'm wondering if you feel as if you really want to end your life, or if you would like the current situation that you're in to end? If it is the latter, what would you change if you could? We are all here to support you, please remember that

@emilypig I would want the current situation to change. I don't want to worry about typing something wrong over here. I am so drained for no reason and I don't know what is wrong with me. I really need to be able to study.

naomi

Hi @Kate_20. I hope that you are less overwhelmed with those thoughts today, first off you seeking help is not attention seeking in fact it is one of the bravest things you can ever do. I know it sounds really cliché but think about it, you're putting yourself out there because you know and want something to change in your life.
Everyone has value, everyone has a purpose (this is what I believe anyways). Sometimes it takes a while for people to find that or for it to be revealed to them. I don't believe that anything happens by accident and everything is orchestrated and everyone has a part to play. You may not feel like you have a purpose but one truth I learnt and constantly have to remind myself of is that your feelings are deceptive. What I mean by that is that what you feel is not always reliable and not always in accordance with what is true. Your life has meaning and I hope that you can see that.
I can see that you have been in this "mental battle" if you will for some time and you may want to surrender to the overwhelming thoughts, that may be why you are feeling so drained. But the great thing about opening up in places like these and moments like these is that you have got people to start fighting in your corner, you were never meant to fight this fight alone so I encourage if you ever feel overwhelmed do not hesitate to come on these discussion boards or even PM me if you're comfortable to do so and I think they will be more than happy to help you in this.
Sometimes when you are so overwhelmed you just can't bring yourself to do other things in your situation it's studying. I think something that may be helpful is sharing that particular load with someone you know will happily carry it with you, maybe even creating a study group of some sort that way you don't have to feel like that is something you have to all on your own.
I am sorry that you are facing this but I hope that at least one sentence in this makes you feel better and gives you hope.

Kate_20

naomi wrote: »

Hi @Kate_20. I hope that you are less overwhelmed with those thoughts today, first off you seeking help is not attention seeking in fact it is one of the bravest things you can ever do. I know it sounds really cliché but think about it, you're putting yourself out there because you know and want something to change in your life.
Everyone has value, everyone has a purpose (this is what I believe anyways). Sometimes it takes a while for people to find that or for it to be revealed to them. I don't believe that anything happens by accident and everything is orchestrated and everyone has a part to play. You may not feel like you have a purpose but one truth I learnt and constantly have to remind myself of is that your feelings are deceptive. What I mean by that is that what you feel is not always reliable and not always in accordance with what is true. Your life has meaning and I hope that you can see that.
I can see that you have been in this "mental battle" if you will for some time and you may want to surrender to the overwhelming thoughts, that may be why you are feeling so drained. But the great thing about opening up in places like these and moments like these is that you have got people to start fighting in your corner, you were never meant to fight this fight alone so I encourage if you ever feel overwhelmed do not hesitate to come on these discussion boards or even PM me if you're comfortable to do so and I think they will be more than happy to help you in this.
Sometimes when you are so overwhelmed you just can't bring yourself to do other things in your situation it's studying. I think something that may be helpful is sharing that particular load with someone you know will happily carry it with you, maybe even creating a study group of some sort that way you don't have to feel like that is something you have to all on your own.
I am sorry that you are facing this but I hope that at least one sentence in this makes you feel better and gives you hope.

@naomi Thanks you for your kind words. I cannot create any sort of study group atm as most people on my course have finished everything. Those people who have extended deadlines like me all have it on a different date. Some people have it longer than me so they are not yet working on it.

naomi

@Kate_20 hey, with the studying aspect maybe you could find people who are willing to help you. Not teachers I mean but I have a buddy/mentor in the year above me. I don't know what year you're in but maybe a friend or someone who is willing to go over work with you might be an idea. If not that then I find going to public spaces particularly to study maybe a good way to be motivated only if it is not too overwhelming. Hope these ideas help in some way ❤️

Kate_20

naomi wrote: »

@Kate_20 hey, with the studying aspect maybe you could find people who are willing to help you. Not teachers I mean but I have a buddy/mentor in the year above me. I don't know what year you're in but maybe a friend or someone who is willing to go over work with you might be an idea. If not that then I find going to public spaces particularly to study maybe a good way to be motivated only if it is not too overwhelming. Hope these ideas help in some way ❤️

@naomi I would think about my peer mentor but she has already finished the course. I don't want to interfere with her life too much.

naomi

@Kate_20 I know you feel bad for asking but she might be more than happy to help especially if she knows that you are struggling with your school work. It might be worth just asking because a lot of the times your mentor is supposed to be there to offer some support.

Kate_20

naomi wrote: »

@Kate_20 I know you feel bad for asking but she might be more than happy to help especially if she knows that you are struggling with your school work. It might be worth just asking because a lot of the times your mentor is supposed to be there to offer some support.

@naomi I would try to but I would want to use it for crucial time Sometimes my issues seem insignificant.

AislingDM

I hear what you mean in regards to feeling like everyone should produce value, however I reckon that nearly everyone does in their own way. Instead of thinking about value in terms of literal contribution to society, or how you can do well academically, we could think about tiny things that you might instinctively dismiss as being 'insignificant'. Like the fact that you talk to people on here, shows the 'value' that you bring to other people's day-to-day as we can find some peace in knowing that you are still here. To me this is extremely brave and valuable. Sometimes I reckon we place to much value upon the notion of 'tangible contribution to society' and this can make us feel worthless, when this certainly is not the case. It must be so frustrating on top of the pain you are in to have to worry about completing academic work for your deadlines I'm wondering if you would share what you're studying about atm to see if anyone on here could provide some insight and support? (Especially if the university won't provide you with additional help, despite your pain) x

Kate_20

AislingDM wrote: »

I hear what you mean in regards to feeling like everyone should produce value, however I reckon that nearly everyone does in their own way. Instead of thinking about value in terms of literal contribution to society, or how you can do well academically, we could think about tiny things that you might instinctively dismiss as being 'insignificant'. Like the fact that you talk to people on here, shows the 'value' that you bring to other people's day-to-day as we can find some peace in knowing that you are still here. To me this is extremely brave and valuable. Sometimes I reckon we place to much value upon the notion of 'tangible contribution to society' and this can make us feel worthless, when this certainly is not the case. It must be so frustrating on top of the pain you are in to have to worry about completing academic work for your deadlines I'm wondering if you would share what you're studying about atm to see if anyone on here could provide some insight and support? (Especially if the university won't provide you with additional help, despite your pain) x

@AislingDM Thanks for telling me that we can look at value in a different way. I have problems with analysing and categorising data atm. I don't think anyone can help.

AislingDM

It's no worries, Kate. I think there really is just so much pressure to perceive ourselves as measurably 'valuable/productive' and I think this allows us to miss out on the many beautiful people and things that can go unappreciated within our society I know that having problems with analysing data probably makes that difficult to think about, but you really do deserve to feel worth something in all your states of being xx