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The guy I thought I was gonna end up with met/started seeing someone else

ellezeeellezee Posts: 12 Settling in
I'm hurting. Rather badly. And it sucks because the person I would usually go to for help is the subject of my hurt. From Y10-13, my best friend (L) and I were almost inseparable. We had an extremely complicated relationship as he was the guy I had feelings for, my best friend and my therapist all in one. Before we became friends no guy had ever paid me more than half a minute's attention and after we started hanging out more due to our mutual friend our friendship started quickly developing. The bottle that I had kept firmly closed - full of my home, personal and friendship issues - started opening. I had never met anyone who understood me as well as he did.

At 14 he was simply an outside friend of one of my then close friends (S). Back then I was in a close girl group of S, her twin (R) and my best friend (N). At the beginning of Y10 he started hanging out more with our group and soon we were joined by two other boys (P and J). Our little group of four became seven. Sometime later the seven became four again but this time it was me, N, L and J. L and I quickly became close friends and soon we started hanging out alone, after school hours slowly opening up to each other. We discovered we each suffered in a different way and he became my rock to lean on as he was the only person who understood what I was going through. Our friendship is based on honesty and it was a friendship where we could be completely unfiltered with each other. (We basically have no boundaries)

At 15 I began developing feelings for him. I'm not one to hide my feelings or deny them so I did what any 15 year old would do. I told him. My visions of us becoming this high school power couple were instantly shattered as my dramatic confession was met with instant rejection. In fact, you know what if you want to see what it was like go and watch the first episode of Riverdale where Betty and Archie are dancing together and she asks him to be a power couple (she's just become a cheerleader and he's just joined the football team). Then watch the scene where she asks him if he loves her and he gives her the answer 'Of course I love you Betty, just not in the way you want me to'. That pain you feel from Betty is what I suffered from for... well... a long time.

At 16, I sank into low mood (later mild depression) and social anxiety. This all came from the pressure my family were putting on me for academic achievement and realising how hated I was amongst the people I thought were my best friends. And yeah you guessed it. The person who was there for me - him. He had been through the same shit I was going through so he knew how to take care of me. For 2 years, the feelings I had for him didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered. There were some nights where I would literally just become so numb I would pass out. I cut, I healed, I cut again. I pushed everyone away including my family and everyone who tried to reach out at school. He was persistent and refused to let me push him away. It made me trust him, rely on him, depend on him. He is the only person I trust because he was there when I called at 3am in pain (he used to wear earphones when he went to bed at night so he could make sure he could hear his phone if I called) he was there when I wanted to just end it all.

I have other close friends, who I love dearly, and although they are there sometimes, I know that if I message him saying 'I'm having a moment, can I call you?' he will call almost immediately. With my other friends, they say they're always there for me, which they are, just not when I desperately need them to be there.

At 18, the pandemic meant that the end of high school came very abruptly. We went from seeing each other every day to not seeing each other for 6 months. During that time I had the space to heal properly. To start to feel again, find myself and recover for the pain of the unreciprocated feelings. My fear was that we would become distant but in fact, after finding myself, we became closer and closer. We became true best friends and our relationship came to be the best it ever was. Our friendship grew stronger when our friends left for university and we were left together on our gap year. Neither of us were the typical teenager - going out, getting smashed, sleeping around etc. We preferred to just stay in close circles or in the company of ourselves and this just made me feel even closer to him. In fact he was so much more reserved that me (I mean I did have my fair share of teenage experiences) that many of our classmates (me included) suspected he swung the other way. I actually lowkey hoped this was the case because then I could relieve myself in the knowledge that there was absoulutely nothing wrong with me and it wasn't because I wasn't enough. In all meanings of the word - he was my best friend. I loved him so much (platonically!!).

19 came and with that came uni. Well, uni for him. Which meant Canada for him and the U.K. for me. Friends and family often questioned whether I still had feelings for him or sometimes even just accused me of still being in love with him. To which I adamantly denied it. There was no way I did, it would never work anyway he had too many unresolved issues and it would just complicate and ruin our friendship which i vowed to myself I would protect at all costs. I would not let anything get in the way of our friendship. Even if it meant giving up my feelings. Because what if we had a bad break-up? Then what? Our friendship meant way too much to me to ever risk it like that. This meant I absolutely refused to admit that deep deep down a part of me was still in love with him and wondered if we could make it work in the future. This meant desperately hoping that sometime in the future he would miraculously change his mind about me. The story of my aunt and uncle as childhood sweethearts and of how his brother had finally gotten together with his own high school best friend kept that spark of hope alive.

Until last week. A few months before I'm due to turn 20. When reality didn't just hit me in the face, it came down like a meteor and smashed right into my heart. Due to the nature of our friendship (no boundaries, all honesty) he let me know that he had met someone and it sounded like he had started seeing her. A tall, blonde American girl he had met in his accommodation block who probably has blue eyes and is beautiful. So the complete and total opposite of myself who stands at barely 5ft with dark hair and a full blooded Asian girl. (My friend did say to me - at least she doesn't look like you. Which does make me feel slightly better) This triggered a string of emotions. Devastation, heartbreak to say the least. Not only did it close the doors for any future for us but it also meant that he clearly did not swing the other way which meant that there was something wrong with me and I wasn't good enough for him (at least in my head, I have been told that this is apparently not the case at all). They're not dating (yet) but they have spent a few nights together (and probably still are). The level of pain and confusion I felt threw me back to when I was 16 and I could not bear it. I refused to allow myself and my family to go through that again.

I'm not going to lie it is incredibly painful. The day after we spoke I felt myself shutting down and thinking about (dangerous) ways I could relieve myself of the pain because I was just so done with it. I said to myself 'No, you will not go through the same shit you went through when he broke your heart the first time no.'

So far I've been through the healthy amount of things you go through during a heart break. An endless playlist of Whitney Houston, Toni Braxton, Taylor Swift and Maisie Peters' debut album (if you want my story in cliff notes version listen to her song 'Hollow' that's literally it), crying it all out in the shower, pouring my heartbreak into my songs and music, journalling and putting myself through Chloe Ting's 2 week shred. Snapchat was our main way of communication so I've deleted the app in order to avoid any temptation to message him as I take some space to process this. It's like there's two halves of me. The friendship half and the feelings half. The friendship half misses her best friend desperately and gets sad every time she wants to send him a video she's seen or tell him about a decision or insignificant event that's happened and she realises she can't. The feelings half knows she has to keep her distance for a while because she knows it will not be helpful at all and will just be way too damn painful if she doesn't. Like Betty, I know he loves me... just not in the way I want him to which may be never. But like I always say, we move.

It still hurts like a motherfucking bitch (woah nearly made it through the whole post without violently swearing) but there's nothing I can do. Well no there is plenty I can do and I'm doing it so it should be ok soon. But i miss my friend and I can't do anything about that. He's a boy so lets see how long it will be before I let him back in my life or he realises I've shut him out (it could be a while but we'll see). It feels good to get this out so that's a plus. Please let me know if you have any advice for me because damn I will take it! But I'm warning you now I will take the advice AFTER the tequila shots :)

All love xx

Comments

  • SirArchibaldSirArchibald Posts: 20 Boards Initiate
    Hi @ellezee
    that is alot to go through and it certainly seems like you have a long history with this guy. I am sorry that you've been through tough times but the good thing is that you got out of them and are doing better.
    This situation seems really tough and very complicated as you have a mixture of romantic and platonic feelings towards this guy.
    I think you need to have an honest dicussion with yourself and think about what you want, whether you want to get rid of your feelings for him or whether you want a relationship with him, and then you need to act on what you want. If you want to get rid of your feelings for him then you need to focus on getting over your feeling for him and moving on, as it is not good for you to be staying freinds with him if it is causing alot of emotional pain. If you want a relationship with him you need to tell him how you feel, yes it is risky and yes it could make things awakward between you two, but you need to think about how much you would regrett not confessing your true feeling to him, as you dont want to expreince this pain everytime your friend gets in a relationship, its not good for you. If he shares your feelings than you can try and make things work, long distance realtionship can be just as good as short distance relationships and it would not be long distance forever. If he does not share your feelings than you will finally have an answer and this will help you move on. Honestly I do not think it is good for you to cover up your feelings, it seems like it has caused you alot of pain.
    I hope you find this helpful and I hope that whatever you do, you are happy.
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