My girlfriend gets angry with me over what I believe to be very small things

Jawface

I've got very little experience when it comes to cooking. Cooking very often gives me anxiety. Nevertheless, when my girlfriend tried to help me to learn how to cook, it didn't go well. I'd ask her a stupid question, and she would always say "isn't it obvious? Why can't you see it? Why didn't you understand that?" or along those lines. Or if not, she would say "why can't you just think for yourself? You could've understood that without me asking you". So instead I'd try to do things without asking her, and she would say "why did you do it like that?". Her tone is certainly not a helpful one. It makes me feel totally useless, and makes me want to give up cooking altogether. I've told her this, and she always apologises afterwards for it, but she doesn't stop constantly berating and patronising me.

She gets stressed out when I get things wrong, and she gets annoyed when I don't know things. As a result, she "lashes out" (her words, not mine). She says it's normal for people to do that when they're stressed. When I feel stressed I'd say I probably have a mental tendency to do that as well, but I always suppress it. I don't understand why she's not able to do that, but she says that she isn't.

We've resolved to not cook together anymore. It's a shame, because I was learning from her on the few occasions that she was more patient with me, but I can't take it anymore, and nor can she.

It's made me think more long term though. If we had kids, would she do the same with them when teaching them to cook, tie their shoelaces, ride a bicycle, add fractions? I'm autistic and she understands that it's harder for me to pick up certain things. Whether what I believe to be a lack of cooking is related to that or not (my family have told me that I actually don't lack an ability in cooking, but that's not the way my girlfriend makes me feel), I don't think I would want her to be so harsh with our kids the whole time. Her parents were harsh on her, and she said that made her learn to cook quicker, which is all well and nice, but obviously being taught that way doesn't suit everyone.

My girlfriend is brilliant in many ways, and she is normally a very nice person, she helps me a lot when I'm feeling down, and she (says she) is trying her hardest to be more patient with me. There are some things she does which I don't like, but at least I understand why she does them, and I can accept that. However, no matter how many times I've asked her about it, I still can't understand why she can't just be more patient with me, and I think the fact I don't understand is really not helping, because rather than seeing a simple cause-effect relationship, all I can see right now is that she's just an extremely impatient and rude person. I work as a part-time voluntary maths tutor, and I've seen people not understand things which to me are much more simple than figuring out what pan you need to use to fry tofu, but I've never lost my temper with anyone over it, because I understand that they're learning these things for the first time and it's more difficult when you do that.

Willow2812

Hi @Jawface

This sounds like a tricky situation and it’s understandable that you’re feeling frustrated. Have you sat down and spoken to your girlfriend properly about how her ‘lashing out’ at you makes you feel? Being honest and open with her could be useful in finding ways to try and resolve these tensions as they are clearly making you feel upset, which is not nice for anyone. It may also be good to talk to her about your concerns over the long term aspects of her behaviour so that you can try and find some solutions for these as well? Is there anyone else close to you who you feel you could talk to about your concerns?

Jawface

Thank you Willow,

I have spoken to her about how her words and actions upset me. She knows how hurtful it is for me. She says it's normal for people to lash out when they get stressed.

I will talk to her more about how I don't want my children to be treated like that.

AislingDM

Thanks so much for explaining your situation in such detail @Jawface , this really helps me to be able to best understand what is going on. This sounds like a really stressful situation to be in, especially when this should be a learning experience that is warm and supportive. Plus, it must be kind of confusing to see your girlfriend treat you this way when, generally-speaking, she is really kind and helpful.

I think the advice about honesty is really important, but as you said you've already spoken to her and this convo didn't yield much, I think it's important that we think about why your girlfriend thinks it's 'normal' to lash out when frustrated? Based on your point about her parents being harsher on her, it's likely that this contributed to her holding this perception. Despite this being unfair for her, that does not then make it okay for her to be unkind to you as a consequence. I think it's really common to think 'lashing out' and shouting are normal/okay just because they happen regularly (e.g., commonly depicted on TV, people see each other shouting at one another in real life too). But just because something happens a lot, doesn't make it right. You deserve to be supported in a healthy and happy way I think you talking a lot about how these interactions would impact future children could be really helpful, because sometimes people cannot understand how their actions can be hurting someone they love, and getting them to understand through hypothetical situations can be easier.

You really are doing so wonderfully to talk with her about all of this, and I do hope something positive comes of this, especially as cooking can be a super fun joint activity

Jawface

Hi Aisling,

Thank you so much for your reply. It's nice to hear someone say that it's not okay to be unkind to other people, even though it feels like a somewhat obvious statement.

Anch0r33

I agree it's a tricky situation. I want to bring my side to the table - it's basically playing the devil's advocate or helping you understand the other side.

Just because you're able to control how you act when you're stressed, doesn't mean everyone is able to. I've been struggling a lot recently and it makes me more snappy, and more likely to lash out.

Depression causes stuff like this, it doesn't mean she wants to act like that. Likely she will be feeling guilty and ashamed of her actions. I know I do. It's hard, it's damn hard to fight day in day out with internal battles and sometimes it's the smallest things that set you off.

I often describe my emotions as a volcano. Lava rumbles up quietly inside for long periods of time and ultimately the smallest of earthquakes or rumbles can cause a major explosion.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, but I just wanted you to see the other side. I think communicating is really key! Good luck

AislingDM

That's more than okay @Jawface ! You're so right it seems like such an 'obvious point', but sometimes one that a lot of people are missing. Whilst emotions are complex and difficult experiences to navigate, if you have tried to have an honest conversation about how she is making you feel and she has not acknowledged your hurt then this really is not fair on you. I really do hope things can become easier with time perhaps