emotionally drained.

lovemimoon

This is a recurring thought on my mind and I didn't know how to phrase it until now.

I got texts from a former friend group and my immediate reaction was to dismissive it and move on with my day.
Why did I do that? A part of me is anxious but... It feels different. Not the usual "anxiety/paranoia," but "I'm frustrated with your shit" type of anxiety. Does that make any sense?

I cause the issues; I accused everyone in my friendship group of being something they're not. These accusations went deeper and essentially damaged my relationship. Yet I'm dismissive towards them? I should be apologizing, I should be reconciling for my actions. Yet these last two months that I've spent away from my phone, from my social circle has somewhat... Shifted. It's not the same anymore.
Any sentimental feelings I've had towards this group is dwindling rapidly. I no longer feel as excited nor do I panic when I get their text; their texts are becoming a nuisance.
My social circle recognized my shift in moods; how I've been more lively. And it's so confusing; the group were people I considered family at some point so why does it feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I took some space? Why do I feel like I can breathe? I've lost friends before and it devasted me but this is different:
These friends I'm losing... It's not as devastating.

As amazing as they are, I was also in this weird constant mood cycle with everyone. I don't know to explain it. It was like... Wearing too many masks at once? Trying to create a mask that everyone wanted to see? Being the person that I wanted everyone to see?
I look back at the good memories, and damn was it good. But I don't recognize the person that I was with them. What does this mean?
Is this what change feels like? Is this what letting go feels like?
If so, I feel guilty.

Ever since I've joined the Mix, I feel like I'm constantly making progress here. Reading everyone's struggles, receiving the amount of support I feel like I don't deserve, and talking to everyone here. It's been huge; I feel like I can take my mask off and relax. No bullshit. In a weird way, it has helped me acknowledge the ugly parts about myself.

I thought about losing my other friends.
I thought about losing you guys.
And that made me panic a lot.

But it's not the same with the group.

Sorry, I'm rambling here.
Hope you're all doing okay.

SpaceOtter

Hi @lovemimoon sending lots of hugs

"I'm frustrated with your shit" type of anxiety. Does that make any sense?

I think I understand what you mean, I know In the past when I’ve been struggling or just felt so emotionally drained , I’ve gotten so frustrated I’ve deleted the social apps just to get away. Talking to certain people just felt so hard, trying to think was like trying to Wade through cement . And I even found myself resenting them eventhough I couldn’t think why. I have some amazing memories with them , but it wasn’t until I was with different friends a little while afterwards that I realised how deeply unhappy I’d been. It wasn’t that they were mean people it’s that we simply didn’t compliment each other anymore. We no longer had a comfortable understanding relationship.
I think it can be part of growing as people. And going in different directions. Change Is hard and rough but you have nothing to feel guilty for.

Ever since I've joined the Mix, I feel like I'm constantly making progress here.

That’s really good to hear, and We’re really happy to have you here. You’re an amazing helpful individual.

Sending extra hugs. We’re always here if you ever need anything. No need to apologise for letting everything out.

Take care (sorry if this sounded patronising)

Former Member

Hiya @lovemimoon

With regards to not understanding your desire to move on from friendships that brought you joy in the past, I can definitely relate. I had a group of friends in secondary school that I gradually fell apart from, but who I used to love and be really happy with. I still do love them, and treasure the memories that we shared, but as we grew up, gained confidence, and changed, we didn't really fit together anymore. As I left the friendship and we grew apart, I realised that I had recently felt angry and frustrated much more often than was natural for me, and it was only once I let those friends go and moved on that I realised how important doing that would be for me. I agree with everything @SpaceOtter said about changing directions, and how it can be rough but natural.

I don't know if reading this will be helpful or not, but I thought it might be reassuring to hear form others with similar experiences!

Former Member

Hi @lovemimoon

What you're saying makes a lot of sense. You've made a lot of progress since you've moved on from these friends and to summarise what you said above, you felt as if you were wearing a mask around them. This is a sign that although they were once maybe a good fit, this wasn't the case, towards the end of the friendship and you have done much better without them.

I've got some personal experience in this having left school at a young age and managing to secure a full-time job while my friends were still studying. I had the guilt about not seeing them as much but I had outgrown them and while I tried to maintain these friendships, it ended up holding me back, while I was trying to move forward.

Maisy

Hi @lovemimoon

What you have described makes complete sense.

Sometimes we become friends with others, perhaps out of convenience, for example, we are in the same class at school or college. Without realising, we may change parts of ourselves to fit in (otherwise known as 'creating a mask') and others may also do similar things in order to appear a certain way to fit in. During this time, we aren't being completely ourselves. But we can still have some good times with these friends.

However, when we are away from that situation, especially when we have time to ourselves to think, we may start to realise that the friendships don't seem as real as what they might've done at the start. This is often because we and others in the friendship group might be pretending to be things that we aren't just to fit in. When this happens, we can have a dilemma. We can either ignore it and carry on (which may just increase the frustrated feelings that everyone is pretending to be something they are not) or you can leave (which will allow you more time to grow and find friendships that allow you to be who you are and not trying to conform).

This might also answer why, when you have lost friends before and felt devastated, that you don't feel devastated by the loss of this friendship group (even if you felt close before). You may very well have felt like family with your friendship group before but somewhere along the line, it sounds like things haven't been right for you for a while and perhaps you have become a bit disillusioned with the group now that you feel they are being something that they aren't. It makes sense that you would therefore be frustrated rather than devastated.

There's no need to feel guilty for feeling this way though. It sounds like you were trying to fit into the group and make everyone as comfortable and happy by trying to be loads of things at once, which ultimately, took it's toll on you. The right friendships are a natural 'fit' where you can be yourself and not ones where you have to try to 'fit in'. You are right at guessing that is change and what letting go feels like. It can be really tough to realise this but it can be very worth it in the long term.

It's also interesting that you feel you can take your mask off here. I don't know about you, but for me, I feel I am most myself when writing/typing things out. They are my private thoughts and feelings (including stuff I'm not proud of!), unfiltered and unedited, which is closest to who I am. When we are around people, especially if we don't feel close to them or worry about them judging us, we are less likely to truly be ourselves, leading to situations like you have described.

I'm glad that you can take your mask off here