I feel more like a male than a woman

Former Member

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well

I’m really struggling with my gender identity at the moment. I really feel like a male more than a woman, I’ve always felt this way and it shows in everything I do, the way I walk, the way I talk, the way i sit and the way I behave. I also feel really comfortable when acting more ‘masculine’ or wearing more ‘masculine’ clothes like shirts and ties, and I feel like I’m not being completely true to myself when I wear female clothes. I have always described it as being a female with a male persona, and the male persona is who I dream to be and the female persona is who I am. Hopefully that makes sense, I would love to know if anybody has ever felt that way before. I’m gonna experiment with different names, different pronouns and wearing binders and wearing male clothes.

However I’m really nervous, as I have a boyfriend at the moment and he is straight so I wouldn’t know how to broach the topic and of course, I would want to be sure that the way I felt was for definite, and so I’m questioning it which is causing me even more anxiety rather than just accepting myself and loving myself for who I am. I am also scared about how my parents and family and friends would react to it too. They’re really comfortable with me being bisexual, however I just feel that if I had a different gender identity than being a woman, that would be a step too far. Does anyone have any advice on what to do in this situation? Or any words of encouragement would be really appreciated too.

Thank you for reading my rant

I hope you all have a lovely rest of your days.

AislingDM

It sounds like you have loads rushing through your head atm @Rose124 , you must be feeling so exhausted by feelings of uncertainty, particularly about how others might react. Firstly, I just wanted to say amazingly big well done to you for being able to explore yourself and starting to think about what your gender means to you. This is often not an easy thing to do in such a ciscentric world! Secondly, whatever 'conclusion' you reach or do not reach about your gender is more than fine, there is abso no rush to 'figure' it all out and we will be here for you throughout your journey

In terms of experiencing the same feelings, thoughts and behaviours as you, I completely get what you're saying (which is not to say my experience is the exact same as your or anything!!) about wanting to feel like you're being true to yourself and who you actually are. I think it's wonderful that you have come to this place of understanding about yourself Perhaps there is another member on here who will reply soon whose experience with gender specifically mirrors yours?

Finally, in terms of wondering what others will say, I was in a pretty much identical situation to you in regards to family in particular, being bi was okay, but would ***gender*** be 'too far'?? For me, I think the most important thing to do was to attempt to gauge what people around me's opinions were on trans and gender non-conforming people to understand whether my safety was okay. If it becomes clear that friends/families/partners' opinions are feeling good and safe then it is all about when you feel ready. There is no rush to disclose to others any revelations that you have had about yourself, you deserve time to process your emotions, thoughts and any changes you might carry out (e.g., you mentioned wearing binders maybe ). Once you do feel comfy talking to people, maybe start with one person whom you trust a lot (e.g., a best friend or your boyfriend?) as starting with one person can feel easier than sitting everyone down in one room

ultimately, I want you to know that I am beyond proud of you for your honesty, exploration and ability to speak your truth, as these can all be immensely difficult. We will be with you throughout, no matter what. I wish you so much peace and happiness in this life

Former Member

Thank you so much for your comment @AislingDM. Your kind words really do mean a lot to me, I have recently come out as a trans masc to my close family and friends and they have all been really supportive which is so lovely, they are also starting to refer to me by my preferred name and pronouns which is amazing.

It's awesome to finally be able to be myself, and i wish you all the best too with everything.

Thank you again, hope you have a lovely day.

Former Member

Hiya @Rose124

Just wanted to say that I'm so proud of you for taking the time to explore who you are, and not shying away from how you really felt. It's so lovely that you finally feel like yourself, and I'm glad to hear your family and friends have all been supportive!

Former Member

Your more masculine ‘mannerism’ (your walk, talk etc) and your inclination towards men’s clothing shouldn’t be a cause for concern or indeed a cause of confusion.

A perfectly good expression exists for the ‘state’ you’ve described, and that is a “tomboy”.

Not being a stereotypical woman or liking stereotypically female things or indeed not ‘behaving’ as women normally do is not a reason to believe you’re not a woman or that you were “born in the wrong body”. You’re therefore correct when you say that changing gender identity would likely be “too far” as your only basis for doing so seems to be that the ‘male’ gender, which more accurately ‘describes’ your mannerisms and interests, is more socially desirable.

Instead, you should simply accept yourself for who you are which is a masculine or ‘tomboy’ woman. Entertaining the thought of gender identities is only likely to cause further dissatisfaction and confusion as no gender identity (including a male identity) fully encompasses or ‘describe’ the interests or behaviours of any one person. They’re merely generalisations or ‘stereotypes’.

If your own body does not cause distress to you and your only concerns is how you’re perceived in relation to your female identity (which is what seems to be the case), then I would focus on building your confidence and accepting yourself.

Millie2787

Hi Rose

I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you for coming out as a Trans Masc to your close family , I know that’s a scary and difficult thing to do sometimes

If your ever stuck or need anyone to talk to then you’ve got all of us here but also Switchboard and Stonewall provide a Helpline where you can ring and chat things through with people

Again I’m super proud of you

Former Member

Hi everyone @Millie2787 @Past User @ames @AislingDM

Thank you all so much for all of your suggestions, help and lovely comments. I really appreciate all of your comments - they mean the world. 😊

Hope you all have a lovely rest of your evening.

AislingDM

That is abso no worries!! You're doing so amazingly to keep us in the loop and share your experience with us I am beyond pleased to hear that close family and friends have been so receptive and are supporting you, because I know this can be a huge source of worry and concern.

as @Millie2787 has said, we will always be here

Former Member

Hey!

I can see that a few months are passed, but I wanted to check out how are you doing at the moment and if something has changed in the last period.

Gender identity is something that I haven't dealt with it, as I am a cisgender gay man, but I can relate to the hardest part, which is similar, to express the true you.
Did you experiment with a different pronoun? How's it felt?

The only advice that I'm feeling to give you is to don't rush up on things and situations, I know it could be frustrating and it is perfectly normal so don't feel like doing this big step yet. everything will work out, you're a beautiful human being!


Cosmo.

Former Member

Aww thank you Cosmo

So a quick update for anyone who is interested. I have realised that I am a trans man. I have cut my hair, changed my name, changed my pronouns, and have bought a binder and it has felt so awesome being comfortable to finally be me. There are still times when I struggle (when my name badge at work is still my old badge or when I realise that I am still not exactly who or where I want to be yet with my gender identity) but right now I am just focusing on becoming more comfortable with myself, which is awesome 😊

All my family and friends know now, and they have been so supportive which I am so thankful for which has definitely helped a lot too!

Former Member

I'm so so happy for you @Rose124 both for finding yourself and for getting so much support from your friends and family during all of this! I hope things continue going smooth for you and this all continues to be a very positive experience for you. Feel free to keep us updated with how you're doing and as always if you ever need to talk about anything the boards will be here for you.

Former Member

@Riley I agree, it is so great @Rose124 ! It is ok to feel slightly confused with your gender identity, as it is a spectrum! I hope you continue to stay true to yourself and I know how hard it is to not let your past name get to you but think about how amazing your new identity makes you feel!

Former Member

This is just wonderful @Rose124 I'm so happy for you & proud of you. I'm thankful your friends and family have been supportive too - you deserve so much love and support, always

Former Member

Hey @Rose124,
I'm so happy for you and really pleased that special and supportive family and friends surround you. Unfortunately, not everybody has this blessing!
So be always proud of yourself and bring the colours of your community into this world.

Many blessing and a big hug,
Cosmo.

Former Member

Hey guys,
so I'm transmasc and my parents are quite awful about it. they deadname me and use my old pronouns and im allowed to be called charlie which is my new name everywhere but at school. this confuses me as now i struggle to recognise when a teacher is talking to me because they have to use my old name. Any tips on how to cope with this? thanks

Former Member

@charlieboyz I'm so sorry to hear that your parents are not being supportive, and neither is your school. Are your parents the sort of people who you feel you can sit down with and discuss why you feel upset that they keep using your old name and pronouns? Also, is there anyone you can discuss this with at school who you feel safe around or who will listen to your concerns? This is really disappointing to read and I am truly so sorry that people aren't respecting your wishes.

Former Member

No. theyre the kind that if id did that they would yell at me. I speak to a social worker but they are useless. I just want to please my parents you know, and i never can?

Former Member

sometimes i wonder if my social worker just does it for the money. it wouldnt suprise me

Former Member

@charlieboyz I'm so sorry they're not supportive of you or very open to communication! That's awful, I'm so sorry that your social worker isn't helpful in this situation either! Do you happen to have a school counsellor or a well-being teacher or advisor at school? they may be able to help with how you're treated within school and maybe even reach out and educate your parents? Your school should adhere to changing your pronouns and name on their registers, so it's really disappointing and frustrating that they're being so exclusive and ignorant.

Former Member

I've tried so hard to do that and they've said counselling at the school could help and theyd see where to go from there but to get a school counsellor you need to ask parents and i'm ... i'm too scared to. I admit that my parents terrify me

Former Member

@charlieboyz I'm really so sorry that this has caused you so much distress, you truly don't deserve to feel this way at all! Is there no way around this, can your social worker refer you to the school counsellor or does it have to be your parents? It may be helpful to explain your situation with your parents and maybe they can work around it? I'm not completely sure if that's an option and only do what you feel is best for you! I'm so sorry that speaking to your parents evokes such fear for you, that shouldn't be the case at all! Do you feel able to express why they make you feel so worried? I understand this may not be possible, so again, please don't feel like you have to explain if this will cause you distress! I just want to remind you that this is a safe space with no judgement. Sending you lots of love!

Former Member

@Brookee I'm afraid as I'm no longer in the care system, i.e I'm adopted it has to be through the parents. I've tried explaining that my parents are abusive but no-one believes me and I kind of get a pain in my chest when i do tell someone about it. I spoke to a police officer yesterday cause things got that bad and he thinks it might be anxiety attacks. Thing is what really angers me is the police go round to your house and all they do is put in a referral to social services and don't actually try to sort it out. I feel worthless around my parents

Former Member

@Brookee They used to smack me and they say it was legal back then but every time they raise their hands i flinch

Former Member

@charlieboyz I'm really sorry to hear that your parents are abusive towards you, that is not okay at all. I am so sorry nobody believes you either, that's frustrating and unfair. Where did the police officer refer you to? Is there anyway your social worker can help, or maybe is there anyway you can change social workers based on the fact they don't seem invested in helping you? I just want to remind you that you are doing amazing, it can be so hard to navigate the world when going through transitions, and even harder when there's non-supportive parents, so always remember you've done incredible to get where you are today, and I'm really proud of you. This is so distressing to read, I am so sorry that you've been physically abused by your parents! This isn't your fault, it would never be your fault that someone else has harmed you, it's not a reflection on you at all. I know this can be difficult, have you discussed this with your GP or someone at school? They may be able to help get you referrals to important and supportive services.

Former Member

They didn't refer me to anywhere. I'm too scared to ask for a new social worker as well. I don't know why i just am. And i haven't seen a doc in five years. face to face. i spoke on the fone to him last year but mum kept purposefully forgetting to call them

Former Member

@charlieboyz I'm so sorry, that's very negligent of the police officers. They have a duty of care, as do teachers at school to help you, particularly if you've expressed distress. I understand, it can be very difficult and anxiety provoking to change social workers. It's perfectly okay to feel this way. Is there anyway you can contact the doctors yourself? I know this can be difficult and anxiety-provoking, so please don't feel like you have to if this isn't an option for you. I'm also wondering, have you contacted any services like Childline or the NSPCC about this abuse from your parents? they may be able to support you through this, and you're also able to have an advocate to speak for you if you don't feel like your needs are being met or that your parents have your best interests in mind, when making decisions.

Former Member

I'm actually chatting to childline now whilst chatting to you. whats an advocate?

Former Member

@charlieboyz I'm glad that you've taken that step to protect yourself because you and your mental health are really important! It's someone that can be appointed to advocate for you, an adult often a lawyer or social worker or someone outside of the situation who discuss with you what you want, and helps in either making a decision for you or with you about your care and support. They're really helpful if you struggle to make your own decisions, or if your parents make decisions that are often not in your best interests.

Former Member

so i have a socila worker but theyre someone extra?

Former Member

@charlieboyz I don't think it's the same social worker but you can access some services such as Always Heard by Coram voice, which is a service that helps children and young people in care, leaving care or needing care to access an advocate to express their wishes and concerns, you can also check out Barnardo's I think they also help you find an advocate if you need one and National Youth Advocacy Service can also be helpful

Former Member

thanks