I have some difficult news to share

Dancer

Firstly, trigger warning mentioning death and cancer. Also, please feel free to move this thread if it would be more appropriate somewhere else.

As some of you might know from what I have mentioned in the past in group chats, my neighbour who is like a nan to me was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer at the end of April this year. Today I found out that she has passed away. My mum told me that she had actually passed away on 1st June (she didn't want to bother me with the news during my exams.)

Today was her funeral and I only heard about it at all because she mentioned something about hoping there would be parking available when we got home because of the funeral (there were loads of cars parked along the road due to the funeral and it is still quite busy now but she did manage to find parking.)

I am so sorry to have to break this news to everyone. Tagging @Emma_ as they were there for me a lot through this difficult time and I feel like it is important that they are made aware.

Former Member

Oh no @Dancer I'm so sorry to hear this, I really hope you're coping okay at the moment. Please let us all know if there's anything you need to talk about or anything we here on the boards can do to help you.

Past User

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Dancer

Thank you.

lovemimoon

I'm sorry to hear that @Dancer
Dealing with a huge loss like this must really difficult.

I hope you and your family are doing okay.
We're here for you if you need someone to talk to!

Former Member

I'm sorry to hear this @Dancer How are you coping with it all?

It's more than okay to take some time for yourself, grief is a process that everyone will go through and that's okay - it's our body's way of dealing with loosing people we love.

It sounds like you found out about your neighbours passing in an awful way; I can imagine being told on accident isn't ideal. How are you feeling about that?

I will be thinking of you and your neighbour, they sound like a lovely person

Dancer

Thank you. Yeah it wasn't very ideal that I was told on accident although I do appreciate that my mum didn't want to bother me with the news just before my exams. It has all been quite sudden and overwhelming. I thought that she would at least cling on for a bit longer. Instead she died just over a month later.

Dancer

I feel guilty, upset, overwhelmed and in denial about what has happened. I feel guilty because I never visited my neighbour when she was ill although she said that it was absolutely fine for me to visit (she was staying at home.) Am I selfish?

AislingDM

This is truly terrible for you @Dancer , I am so deeply sorry for your loss I can hear how much you care about her and how heartbreaking this is for you. Given this, it's really understandable to feel guilty, like the idea that you could have seen her more must feel so confusing and overwhelming, especially when you were only told recently of her passing. Processing these complex feelings must be so intense for you and this is why it makes so much sense to be asking questions like 'am i selfish?'. Of course, we here all know you are not selfish and I am sure your wonderful neighbour did to, but when you are in the throes of this grief, it is completely understandable to feel self-blame. Would you like to talk some more about your feelings atm, I know this is so so much to process, so maybe we could just be a listening ear for you? (huge huge hugs to you and thank you for choosing to talk to us all on here )

Former Member

Hi @Dancer

I'm really sorry to hear off your recent loss. There is this beautiful quote about grief and loss that I thought I would share with you as it has definitely helped comfort and reassure me when I have lost people who were close to me in the past, so i hope that it helps comfort and reassure you too.

Paul Coelho: “We never lose our loved ones. The accompany us; they don't disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.”

Also, please don't feel guilty at all - hindsight is a wonderful thing but it can also appear as the devil in disguise. Like you said earlier in a previous post that you wrote, you thought you had more time with your neighbor so it makes perfect sense why you didn't visit her even though she said that you could, (as you thought you had more time with her), so please don't be hard on yourself at all. Also, living your own life and putting a greater focus on yourself and your own life instead of someone else and their life is a completely natural thing to do and it definitely isn't selfish at all.

Also, if you were really close to your neighbor, it would have probably been really hard to hear and know that she was suffering from terminal pancreatic cancer, so you might have subconsciously withdrawn from visiting her as a way of escaping the difficult negative emotions that you were feeling due to the news of the illness - Our brains are very clever in subconsciously trying to prevent us from getting hurt by 'closing' off connection with people through not visiting them or contacting them so that when they do come to pass, or we do learn the news of a connection coming to an end, its easier to come to terms with it as our emotions wouldn't have been as intense as if we had been with them to the very last minute . So to answer you're question, it is totally understandable and natural that you didn't visit her so please don't feel guilty as you are definitely not selfish at all. and it is totally understandable and totally natural why you didn't visit so like i said earlier please don't be hard on yourself at all.

She was so lucky to have a friend like you, who cared her about so much and I'm very positive that she knew that and thought that too. And now, she is your guardian angel watching over you and protecting you until the day when she can hold you in her arms again.

Wishing you all the best. Sending you lots of big virtual hugs your way.

Azziman

So sorry to hear the news - thoughts are with you and both of your families through this time. Always happy to chat if you need it