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Reflecting on stuff that made me unhappy

tkdogtkdog Posts: 258 The Mix Regular
edited May 20 in Sex & Relationships
I'm still reflecting on someone who ghosted me we were kind dating tho not officially together or whatever for a long time.
Now I think about it there were a lot of red flags.
Tho I learnt a lot about things and pushing myself out there a bit more to travel. And it helped me cope ina new work environment which idk made me kinda unhappy because it always felt like I was left alone with no one to talk to. I was still sad previously from a friend who let me down completely who kept promising to meet up with me and let me down.
(I wouldn't mind if they did it in a honest way but it was in such a way that was like ouch. They were the one who said they wanted to hang out almost to the point of tears to eyes yet they let me down so bad.)
This new thing helped me cope. It was long distance thing so that made it harder in some ways tho i am better with that then close i think and i didnt really want a proper relationship. I just wanted to snuggle up with someone and share things. I felt it was too pushy and too quick but still I enjoyed it.

But I think I am worse with stress and worse in someways. Here are the things that happened that were the worst points. At one point that person said they had well self harmed in a sort of way without going into detail and ended up in hospital because of me and conflict. Another time also they went to hospital something about not eating.
This caused me so much stress. They also had drinking issues temporaily after someone in their family had died, probably i was around at a bad time but that also stressed me because i dont do well around ppl drinking heavily it kinda scares me.

I finally went to meet her where they are (they met me before twice) but before that we had an argument cuz i delayed by a week. That also upset me because I was trying so hard to meet her even though i had doubts about travelling. They said I was way too late. I tried so hard to get to that point where I felt able to go and that really hurt me.

They got upset because I said I was attracted to so and so ficitional character (they mentioned it first and I only mentioned it jokingly) and got jealous and into an argument. I think it is crazy to get upset about such.

Also I often felt like not listened to properly.
Later on there was a lot of ignoring me and my questions. The only time they were around either felt like it was them dumping their problems on me (I was already going through a lot of horrible things which they didn't really care about), or to say a few random vague things, though we had a few political but sane conversations maybe a month before that.
I think it was in preparation for the final ghosting which happened after I said I was sad about something. I would have left earlier but I thought it was better to like give space and just avoid contacting first.
The moment it happened I didn't know and it took ages to figure out and they have spent a day or so before not talking so I didnt know what happened instantly.
It felt unfair becauase if i took even half a day away from them they would be upset. I know they were going through trouble but to not say anything at all or to inform they dont want to talk or need space is totally unfair on me. I was crying and in pain for months because I didnt know what was going on and I tried so very hard to make thing okay. I get the need for space but to treat me in the way that I got was unfair and hurtful, i felt ignored completely and more stressed. I felt unable to deal with stress for a long time especially since during pandemic more locked away at home.

Sometimes i just wanted to say how I was feeling.
I always tried not to go overboard in saying things and at this point i got they were not good with. I felt like I was treated like overdramatic. They tried to make me jealous by saying they had sex with someone else which i dont care but the fact they tried to hurt me is not nice. They also had a history of bad ex and I dunno maybe in part is was their fault or reflecting them. I don't say I was perfect I certainly added uncertainty saying i couldnt always travel very much and the fact I didnt believe in the same values as them or have the same conception of relating to others.
But I never deserved to be treated this way, i was always patient and listening while i might of made angry situations worse it was often more that i wanted to get my questions answered and the only time they ever got answered was when they were angry. I wanted to be heard and communicated to not ignored and avoided. I know some situations are best waited out but it felt like if I didn't say something then nothing would be done.
I think the fact that it ended was lucky but I can't help but still want them back in some form. I don't know I just wanna be friends but I also don't want to get hurt again. I feel lonely and kinda sad because the relationship crappy as it gave me hope to change and escape from being unhappy at home, i feel trapped in life and often too scared to tell family what I am doing or being judged by others and to have someone who could support me even mediocrely helped a lot because I often felt like I had no one to turn to. I want to travel more independently but I am too scared to or to ask my pareents
I hate the fact I still feel the need to even ask because i probably shoulnt
I don't know how to ask for or negotiate things and my parents always constantly worry. Especially like male friends online i dont know how to explain that i know they are safe or how i met them like not exactly dodgy means but sti not something i want to explain. I dont want to constantly explain myself for everything.
I know in western values they value moving out getting independent asap but I dunno i do wanna stay back just a bit longer to save money to use for other things then just rent or mortgage get more stable or happy in job, maybe pick up a hobby or that.
Its not helpful when people say just move out, when you cant and you know that might make your mental health worse. I want skills to help interpersonal relationships and want to take it step by step not all at once. I had bad housemates b4 and will in no way risk that again.

I felt always like the person who was accommodating, accommodating their choices. I felt like I wasn't really heard or cared about. I was happy buying stuff for them and listening to them but it didnt feel reciprocal. They did buy me a few things and to be fair i did say because they didnt have much money not to buy me much. But it always felt wrong and they seemed to have too many issues. I couldn't be happy not felt listened too. They got angry too easily. My short lived ex bf never treated nastily like this sometimes jokingly made fun of me but never got angry like this towards me and this is when he had anger issues himself which he got solved with professional help. Even though he hurt me with cheating which is another story I did get over it and all at least now. And he wasn't the best at talking but english was second language so we couldnt have complicated conversations but i never felt burdened by his issues even though he had many and he helped me a bit though I do still feel I probably did a bit more helping but he did drag me out of depressive feelings so originally he helped more idk. It felt more balanced or at least not unhappy. Here it felt like a constant mess from being good to terrible and I often had to go rant to my friend.

Hopefully this is followable but yeah just had to rant about things again. If you have advice let me know, thanks. And know judging plz ama trying my best and I have improved on lots of things but I dont like being pushed too far by some ppl who be hurtful to me. Not that I think anyone would in this community xP


  • AislingDMAislingDM Posts: 343 Moderator
    Truly bless your heart @tkdog! You have absolutely gone through the ringer. I can hear how painful this entire relationship has been for you, especially in your reflective way of talking about red flags and the difficulties that you regularly encountered. It sounds like you were constantly having to work to accommodate this person's feelings and experiences, and whilst this reflects amazing compassion, kindness and love from you, it also was not reciprocal. I am sure this has left you feeling invalidated in your distress and struggles. I'm hearing that there was some manipulation going on from this person too, like the trying to make you jealous, and this must have felt confusing and deeply unfair to you. You deserve to be treated with respect and healthy communication and it does not sound like you were experiencing this.

    Also, you deserve room and space to vent, talk about and potentially find solutions to the issues and difficulties you're facing. You do not deserve anger, fear and uncertainty in relationships, as this surely is not a warm place to be. Sometimes relationships like this can be intensely painful too because there is that flip-flopping from super great and fun to really awful and distressing, which makes the whole thing even more confusing in your head. I am also really grateful that you had a previous experience with a healthier relationship in order that you could compare the red flags from this one to it, that way you can be certain that relationships do not have to leave you feeling this way :(

    Before we talk some more about all the pain you're experiencing, I am wondering if you'd want to share some more about how you are feeling now? <3

    (also here is an article which just provides some really brief advice on how to process situations of ghosting, I know this won't all apply to your situation, especially given the ways you were hurt within the relationship, but it might provide some comfort)

  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 258 The Mix Regular
    I don't know i'm not feeling that well because of something else atm as I just got hurt by something but thanks for sharing I will read again when I feel better. Atm I just feel like nobody really cares about me and just kinda not good hopefully I will feel better soon but not in the right mind :( tbh my previous relationship wasn't that healthy but like it was just better like not abusive or manipulative or anything like that even tho it didn't end great so yeah but it was still something to compare. I still feel sad about it though but I guess it wasn't exactly helping and it probably brought more stress than anything even if it helped in a few ways I think it was becoming more than I could handle.
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 258 The Mix Regular
    edited May 28
    I've read the link also now as I am feeling a little better yeah it's good stuff though obviously a little late for the texting bits tho good theoretically but I did what I could at the time. I think maybe I am reflecting on it a little better now and understanding things.

    But the ghosting did really hurt my mental health particularly at a time I am stuck at home so long and I think the pandemic partly lead to it too tho there were obviously other issues. So it's really difficult
    I have been feeling more angry lately I am starting to think anger is not necessarily bad
    And a result of me being hurt and wanting to protect myself. Tho what is bad is when I get properly angry and break something that is not good because I obviously dont want stuff broken. It really hurts in my heart to feel devalued like the way I was, it makes it feel like everything I did so far was meaningless even though I know it totally wasn't and I gained from it. It feels like I was put through immense suffering :( but i am still recovering and getting better i think and at least I am learning a lot from the experience but I feel increasingly frustrated by a lot of things and feeling sort of trapped. Sometimes each day feels too similar especially with corona and it feels like everyone plays down your achievements because there is always someone who did better, this is not good enough that is not good enough etc. Even though I try so so hard at everything I keep being told by everyone I am failing.i'm not always feel this bad and sometimes i feel on top of the world however I still feel like im not doing enough and trapped.
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 971 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi @tkdog how are you feeling today?

    It sounds like you went through a lot with this person, during the relationship and then the ghosting which is just inexcusable and unforgivable. I’m so sorry to hear they have made you feel this way, it is understandable that you feel so hurt because ghosting is such a horrible thing to do, with no closure or an explanation. Sending you massive hugs 💜

    You mentioned you are struggling with each day feeling the same and that you are being told you are failing, with your achievements being played down. Do you want to talk a little bit more about this? Would love to celebrate your achievements with you, and explore anything positive that has stood out for you that you might want to do more of?

    Take care
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 258 The Mix Regular
    edited June 7
    I dunno being stuck at home kinda makes things hard.
    To be fair im not stuck at home all the time at least like before going out to visit places and that on the weekend now which has been quite good for me.
    I am trying to talk to more people and try some new things creative stuff and read thongs.
    I think im starting to get over it a bit more than before and I care less about it.
    But its hard as I opened up my heart to someone and I get it doesn't always work out but to leave me like this with 0 words seems absolutely shocking its been long enough to think this is not just not being able to reply because of simple issues. I am still hurt from it all I really thought things were good.

    My job makes my eyes very tired since im on pc programming a lot.
    So it makes it harder for me to do hobbies like digital art and even gaming tho I do a bit if im playing with someone or just a bit here and there.
    My dad said its too late to change careers now? Not sure thats true.
    But like when ur in a quite wellpaid job that u somewhat like think is okay the work environment is good its hard and seems silly to give it up.
    But idk how much longer i can go along with it.
    I guess I should see a doctor about it properly
    But im already seeing doctors for many things already and it makes me stressed and mentally unwell. I am trying out things like screenprotectors larger screens some is helping. I was told maybe eye drops help if u got dry eyes.
    Im not sure how happy i really am generally tho. I dont think tho people were designed to sit in doors all days staring at a screen.

    Id like to do an outdoor job even tho I know I am bad in teams like that or anything too manual and physical. Atm tho my feet hurt too much so i couldnt do such a thing anyway or even volunteer just to get more experience.
    I guess a job I could transition into would be nice, transferrable skills or maybe something to do with nature I do stuff in Gis already after all.
    Ideally id like something half indoors and half outdoors or somewhat between those.
    But I don't think there is ever something completely ideal. I am especially sad tho cuz drawing is something I love even if others might not like my stuff I guess I could do more like traditional stuff maybe I started to explore like pens, go on a class even idk but im still going to miss the digital side of it. There are a lot of things I like and enjoy but i find myself not being able or allowed to do it for some reason or another. But I do a lot of reading I guess I want to read a bit more science stuff and learn more STEM subjects but I still quite like creative and humanities type stuff so a bit of everything tbh at least hobby wise that is.
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 971 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @tkdog it sounds like you are doing all the right things to make yourself feel better. You’re talking on here, you’re going out and trying new things and you mentioned you are starting to feel like you care less. That’s really positive, it’s not something you will ‘get over’ overnight but you’re making progress and should be proud of yourself 💜 I agree, it was totally shocking what they did and inexcusable. It’s understandable you would still feel hurt.

    I get dry eyes staring at a screen too, I ended up going into my local pharmacy to ask for their advice and ended up with some eye spray which seems to help, also easy to put on vs eye drops! Do you think your pharmacy might be able to help?

    I’m not sure how old you are but it’s never too late to change career! Better to do it sooner rather than later yes, but only so it’s an easier transition. But ultimately you can do it at any age!! Do you have like an end goal of an ideal / dream job you are working towards or are you doing some exploring and open to options just now?

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 258 The Mix Regular
    edited June 8
    Yeah possibly just going directly to the pharmacy and chatting with them could help there are some quite helpful people there. Eye spray sounds easier at least, than eye drops for sure. I still havent tried this option so yeaa.

    I'm just exploring atm I guess I dunno maybe the
    environmental sort.
    The worry is these jobs don't pay as much, especially the ones id most like which are wildlife ones, and even things like soil and weather dont pay that well unless super niche or ur well up in managing teams and even then its pretty low compared to what i could get in this job sector. So i dont wanna make a rash decisions either.
    I guess if you enjoy something a lot you can make it work the worry is how much I will also enjoy it haha. I dont want to be out and about all day if i dont like it, i know from volunteering before also I conflicted a bit with other people on a team and stuff like that so it really depends what I can get exactly.
    Also I want to be able to carry on doing something technical to engage the mind whether that is a tiny bit of programming or software or using drones or gear, building someting etc. Plus to keep one hand in that kind of thing still.
    I still have the problem though of having a injured foot. And not being able to drive. For now I am just looking at options, though the other is to take a break and travel maybe volunteer but im a bit scared to do that and I hear that it looks bad or something too and i dunno if work allows leave like that or not i cant see anything in the policy its feels too early to its only just coming to 2 years plus i live with my parents and idk how to explain such stuff.

    It's just like I worked so hard to get here and idk i dont hate the job but yeah then again its the kinda thing u have to keep learning with anyway so im not sure if i can keep up with it forever.
    I still got a bit to explore so maybe this is just a bit of preplanning idk but I know I will reach burn out as well as the problem of the screens. I don't even know my next steps if i stayed in this kind of job and im not sure i want to beyond the job i already have unless its at an environmental organisation really but my eyes hurt that bad. Then again I wouldnt mind staying for a bit longer and picking up an outdoor hobby if it werent for the struggle of doing the job at all. I think even other computer involved jobs where u write reports perhaps are easier on eyes? cuz u dun stare into the screen as much as coding? Idk but it seems like a fair few people in the profession struggle with this. I did a degree which was a little more outdoor so coming to this was different, at least I have some backing to like go into something else. Im just worried its too soon to change and i will end up with no money at all, plus i dun know if i will get parental support (i mean sure i can do what i want but often i feel that advice is helpful, i dont ask for advice on everything). I dunno how to start a discussion on this and what other steps to take tbh I am still exploring options tho at least it gives me something to do I have no dream job in mind lol other than something both inside and outside, something with a bit of technical but not just that? And not a customer service type job (unless its the sort i really like then yea id make an exception), i more know what i dont want tbh lol. I guess also im worried about like having like to change career too many times and not making much money after all.
    I wanna stay as long as possible to save money and during the pandemic i feel things too unstable so yea and i feel bad for leaving the company when i am doing something they need so not too soon.

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