literally no friends at 22

Former Member

i feel really alone in this, to the point where I don't want covid restrictions to lift because I will have no excuse to why I'm never going out and doing things socially. I find it hard to be vulnerable and open to people so I think I come across and standoffish or even boring because I HATE talking about my interests because I get scared that people won't be interested.

I did get slightly better at this in therapy and in uni I talked to some people in my lectures, but it never gets very far. I never see them out of there and now I'm graduating I feel like I'm back to square one. It even feels slightly worse because I have to go out into the world having made no friends at uni, I'm at a point in m life you would think you'd have a least someone. This makes social interactions feel even riskier because I don't want to out myself as friendless, so opening up feels like a catch 22.

I don't even feel my age at this point, I literally have nothing in common having not had the social experiences, never been in a relationship or anything close to one.

SpaceOtter

Hi @Past User sending lots of hugs
When restrictions lift Could you maybe find an activity that you might enjoy that might help you connect with people with similar interests. I know it’s not as easy as being at school and finding clubs but there might be some really good glasses and groups around you. For example if you enjoy keep fit maybe see if there’s any local gym classes or a photography class maybe if you enjoy creative stuff.

I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice. Always happy to listen if you ever need anything.

ellie2000

or create music at home, i hav a keyboard hooked up to reason friends r unreliable nd in my experience most of them didnt make me happy

ellie2000

if ur scared of getting old take 4 yrs off, ur 18 again happy days. its just a number, its what experience u gain tht matters and wat u learn in life. like: 'im not gonna go tht route anymore, its toxic'

lovemimoon

Hey!

I relate a lot to what you're saying about vulnerability. I constantly put up walls around the people I'm close with and it tends to hurt them a lot. Part of making friends is mingling in activities. Similar to what @SpaceOtter said, it may help to get involved in activities that involve your interests. Personally, I find group activities relaxing people I can freely express my interests with other people so maybe it'll work out for you too. Meeting like-minded people are a great way to mingle. Maybe online groups help?

How are you though?

Former Member

@SpaceOtter and @ellie2000 thanks for the suggestions guys I was thinking of taking a year out and trying to reconnect with what makes me happy and feel authentic again because I feel like I've lost that at uni. So maybe part of that can be joining some sort of club, funny enough I've literally just seen that a pole fitness place near me has opened up so maybe this is a sign lol

Former Member

@lovemimoon thank you I'm feeling a bit better than when I wrote this I honestly think one of the biggest things at the moment stopping me from implementing these suggestions is just the fear that people will find out that I don't have friends, so stupidly it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy 🙃

lovemimoon

@Past User I'm glad you're feeling better!

It's not stupid, it's understandable.
In a funny way, you're meeting strangers. They don't know much about you and vice versa. What they know about you is what you let them know.

Former Member

I'm sorry to hear this, but glad to hear you are feeling better than before.
You don't need to out yourself or something though.
Sometimes the fact that you don't have any friends does feel isolating and reinforcing.
But any small progress you do make you need to celebrate it as one in the right direction.
Also do enjoy the talks that you do have with others as much as possible, even if they dont lead to friendships
Maybe you can still improve talking and eventually you will find someone? You could try inviting them to an activity you like for example something low stakes like a movie you wanted to watch.
A lot of people are proud to talk about their interests I don't think it is on their mind at all that people arent interesteed. However you dont need to expect people to be always interested maybe there will be just one thing you have in common or maybe they are just happy to listen. People are more accepting than you think. And often being a great listener to others can make you an attractive friend. But id say dont need to talk always with the end goal of making friends just have fun. You don't need to be fully vulnerable at least before getting to know someone, test the waters and have light hearted conversations even if it is just about something funny that happened or that.

Picking up interests or clubs is also a good thing as people have mentioned already.

Maisy

I agree with the previous responses but I also wanted to add, is there a possibility you might have aspergers or be autistic? (Though we aren't professionals and can't diagnose you). I ask because it's sadly quite common to be autistic and have no or few friends (though entirely possible to make friends!). I struggled to make friends all throughout high school but now I realise I might actually be autistic which helps to explain things a bit.

I think you should focus on your interests. Friendship works best when you have mutual interests and aren't trying to fit in with others or trying to force yourself to like other's interests (although it's good to pay some interest to what other people like). You shouldn't try to change yourself for anyone either (although it's good to work on your own flaws) or try to be someone you aren't. You may find that by focusing on your interests, when a potential friend comes along you might have more to talk about, especially if they have the same interests as you. And while it's good to talk about your interests, try to ask the other person about themselves and their interests as well. Sometimes people might not have the same interests as us or might not be as enthusiastic about the interests as us, and that's okay, as long as the other person isn't repeatedly shutting down the conversation, not letting you talk about your interest or just making you feel inadequate for any reason...that's not friendship.

I like your idea of taking time out to do what interests you and reconnect with yourself more authentically. Try not to worry about others finding out that you have no friends...they likely aren't going to know that unless you tell them.

Former Member

Hey I am glad you are in a better place then you were when you wrote this. I agree with the things that have been said already and I just wanted to add that I am glad you are taking time to figure out what you enjoy and dive deep into your own interests. This is important so you know what you like and hey the things you enjoy doing may lead you to meeting some friends at a some kind of online event where you can share your interests with other like minded people. Also wanted to say that I understand the pressure to having friends especially because without them you feel alone but sometimes being alone can be good to establish yourself as a person. There will be a person or group of people that will come along when you least expect it but continue just enjoying yourself in pursuing your interests and reconnecting with yourself.