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My family keeps praising a problematic friend and its making me want to follow in there foot steps.
Former Member
Posts: 10 Settling in
(i live in the US btw) So im a 16 year old male and i have a friend (S) so S has his own family issues, and he has handled them through being with many girls despite being younger then me, (hes been in over 5 relationships with less then a week in between them over the past three years) he drinks and is in a gang running pot, he also tries to get me to do similar, and i have drank due to him, and snuck out a few times. However my parents know nothing about this and are relentless in talking about hes better then me and how they wish i was more like him and such, and constantly degrade me in favor of him, my mom has even said she sees him as her son, and that she likes him more then me or my brother. And this has honestly lead me to almost start doing drugs and drinking and hooking up with random girls despite having planned on saving for marriage. i basically just dont know how to handle the situation while being a good friend, and also staying sane. My other problem is me and my parents never talk, and i hate every conversation i have to endure, which means its hard to explain this.
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Comments
I'm hearing that you're feeling worried about your friendship with S and the impact it has on your relationship with your parents. It makes a lot of sense to feel strongly about such a difficult situation. It sounds like you care for your friend and you are concerned about the different things he's doing, like drinking and being with lots of girls. I can't imagine how stressful this must all be for you.
It's really understandable to feel hurt by the reaction of your mum. You deserve to feel loved for the person that you are and not to be compared to other people. You're wonderful the way that you are
I can hear your uncertainty about drinking and hooking up with girls too, which makes sense - like this is a really confusing time for you, especially when you're trying to be a good friend throughout it all.
You mentioned not being sure about how to handle everything that is going on, I'm wondering if you'd like to talk some more about it to see if we can come up with any solutions or improvements? (If not, that is more than fine, I am simply grateful that you chose to post).
I'm here when you need
That sounds really difficult- being friends with someone who not only leads you astray but that your parents seem overly fond of to the detriment of your emotional wellbeing (being compared to your friend, parents wishing you were more like him etc). This is bound to take a toll on you!
I’m wondering why your parents are under the impression that your friend is somehow ‘better’ than you? Since they are unaware of what your friend really gets up to, they may not understand that it is your friend who is behind the influence of you sneaking behind your parents back and drinking.
If your parents have suspicions about you regarding drink or drugs, it’s best to be honest and let them know the truth- that you went along with it because of your friend who has been behaving impulsively possibly because of his own family issues. This will help your parents to realise that there is more to your friend than just what they see and think of him. However, they may feel that you are blaming someone else and not taking responsibility. In this case, you might want to consider whether it’s worth staying friends with this person, not just because of your parents praise of him, but because he is leading you down a path that you don’t want to be on. You have your own life and you plan on saving up to get married. Perhaps focus on this and the next time your friend asks you out to drink or do anything that get into trouble, let him know that you don’t want to do that anymore. Real friends will be understanding and if your friend only likes you when you are available to drink or sneak out, then you might want to reconsider your friendship with him. You could also let him know that you are concerned about his behaviour- drinking and getting into drugs can be physically harmful as well as illegal. As a concerned friend, you don’t want him to get into any more trouble. Perhaps suggest he reaches out to someone, such as a counsellor, for both helping him deal with family issues (which may be the cause behind his behaviour) as well as the drinking and other difficult behaviours.
Talking to parents is hard, more so when you don’t have a very good relationship with them. Perhaps you could try sending a message or writing a letter for them to read instead? This way you can say everything you need to say and your parents can then come to you. You might also want to mention that it hurts and upsets you to be compared to your friend, regardless of your friend’s difficulties. Your parents might not realise how much their comments have hurt you and how it’s leading you to want to drink and engage in other risky/harmful behaviours.
Hope this helps a bit!