Depression & overachieving
Former Member
Posts: 77 Budding Regular
Hi,
I’ve talked to a couple of friends about this. And they’re great, they really are, at getting me to get over myself and like. Not get caught up in unhealthy thought patterns and whatnot. Because if you’re depressed for long enough eventually every conversation about it is just repeating things you are, cognitively, aware of. So. You know.
I know, cognitively, that different people’s depression manifests differently. And we’ve talked about how achievement in the conventional sense is a societal pressure rooted in ableism, and about how human bodies and brains are capable of incredible things when backed into a corner, and about how we all want what we don’t have, and about whatever the fuck else one can cognitively understand about being depressed. Because it’s been a long, long time of feeling it. Nothing anyone can say to me is anything I don’t technically logically know.
That said, my friends are kind of royally missing the point, this time, because I just. Want them to be nice to me. Like, I’m having a pity party and I know that it’s self absorbed, I’m aware of that, and I want people to be nice to me while I feel sorry for myself, temporarily.
So I have a friend at uni who is a massive, massive overachiever. Like, I mean, within medics at a competitive uni she’s coming *consistently* first in the year in exams. It’s entirely insane. (And apparently these are just the people I surround myself with, because my girlfriend is at Oxbridge and topping her cohort, too). Anyway. So through all of first year this friend of mine was like... incredibly kind to me. She’d cook me dinner on days I’d not got out of bed all day and she’d let me sit with her while she studied. She was very kind. With a mild undercurrent of... being patronising? And kind of condescending? Because she’d always top our year in exams and I’d never do quite as well, sort of middling, all year.
And I kind of justified it, to myself, in my head. I convinced myself it was okay and understandable that she was doing better than me, because she didn’t have a shit of a brain, and our circumstances were different, and that didn’t mean I was any less capable than her. Recently she told me that she’s having a hard time and spoke to a doctor and been diagnosed with moderately severe depression and GAD.
And. It’s not about me, I know that, and everyone’s mental illness is valid, and everybody suffers differently, and you can’t judge others by the way you struggle. But I also just. Am feeling kind of invalidated, or kind of incapable. Because this whole time I’ve justified doing academically not nearly as well on grounds of us being equally able but me being depressed. And now I hear this and just can’t even fathom how she can be ill and yet still achieve so much.
And like. I know it’s not a reflection, but I’ve seen her study. She studies nothing like the way I study. She just sits there and does the work. I’ve not had the energy or motivation or focus for that in years. And I know that everyone’s depression manifests differently. But I just. Feel terrible about the whole thing. Because why can’t I achieve the same way? It makes me feel incapable, or lazy, by comparison.
I honestly just. Cognitively I know two people’s experiences are never comparable. But I’m also just feeling kind of sorry for myself. If I have to be depressed and I‘m going to want to die all the damn time, at the very least could I not be able to achieve things, too? (My girlfriend, as a side note, for all her distinctions at Oxbridge, is. Very mentally ill, too, so. Fuck everything). And this is 100% the worst of me, that I am competitive and bitter about it.
I just. If I’m depressed then I want the depression that manifests the way mine doesn’t, I guess, in overachievement, because at least they’re proving their ability (or their worth). And I know, cognitively, achievement can’t be conflated with worth, and it doesn’t work like that, and it’s not that simple, and I’m sure other aspects of their experience are more difficult.
And - forgive me for saying it - if I have to fucking just want to kill myself all the time then could I not just get the version of the depression that means I can’t get out of bed, don’t have a choice about functioning? Because I can still do that, can still function enough at home, because I have to, can still function enough that then my lack of achievement feels like laziness, like maybe actually I’m just making the whole thing up.
I’m just. Having a pity party. And awareness of the technical nonsense of it isn’t making it feel any better. So I’m putting it here. As proof of my sadness. And request that someone be nice, please, in spite of the worst of me.
Ari. x
TL;DR - overachieving friend been diagnosed with severe depression. Feeling compar-y and incapable and sad and frustrated with myself because suddenly my being depressed isn’t reason for me to achieve any less than her.
Comments
As someone who has underachieved because of depression, I kind of understand how you feel. I basically wasted a whole year of my life doing a college course which I eventually failed because my mental health got a lot worse towards the end of the year. It’s really hard to see others doing great things when you just feel like you can’t do that.
It doesn’t make you lazy. You’re right when you say that everyone’s experience is different, I guess maybe some people maintain a level of energy, motivation and focus which is enough for them to sit and do the work (I also haven’t had any of those things for a good while now). And doing things because you have to is different.
I wish I could help you more but I guess I’m in a similar situation, I’m watching everyone around me doing great things while I’m just here, trying to get through one day at a time.
Sending big hugs
I completely understand why you’re frustrated and upset. Like independent said depression effects people differently but that doesn’t make it any easier. We’re always happy to listen, writing things out always helps me understand them a little better.
Take care, (Sorry if this came across patronising) we’re always here to listen
As a chronic underachiever who's struggled with depression since adolescence, I totally understand where you're coming from. I missed out on going to my first choice university because my A-Level results just weren't good enough - I knew I could do better, was capable of better, but my stupid depression brain got the better of me. I've felt that same envy, bitterness, and even anger at other people who seemingly have it so much easier than we do. It sucks to see others succeeding and doing amazing things when you sometimes can't even bring yourself to get out of bed in the morning.
I completely understand your frustration. Like you say, being cognizant of all these psychologies and the social conditioning at play helps very little when it comes to how you feel and what your depressed brain tells you. And honestly, it's okay to feel sorry for yourself and complain about it. This is the place to do that - we're not going to judge you or invalidate your feelings.
I really hope you keep posting here and get what you need from it - we are always here to listen and support you.
Sending massive hugs
@SpaceOtter
@Past User
@Azziman
Thank you all so much for your lovely replies 🥺❤️ Appreciate you all. It’s just hard because I know that I could do better, you know? It’s not like this is the best I’m capable of. But you’re all so right, it’s frustrating and there’s nothing really to do about it except feel sad and then not think too much about it haha. Big hugs back!! xx