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Why I have been missing, where I go from here
Former Member
Posts: 242 Trailblazer
So I logged in for the first time in under a month last night. I was honestly going to stop using this place, but I decided it was not worth it. This place is good.
Basically, I have not seen a doctor yet but I have an abundance of issues I am dealing including but not limited to;
And it got to me at one point. And I just wanted to be left alone for ever. Not like suicide or self harm or anything but like eternal solitude. Which is really hard for me to get.
I want to speak to a Doctor but I am unsure of what to say/what to do. And that uncertainty has gotten me even more anxious. So where do I go from here?
I am stuck, and honestly? I want to be a better person. I want to be better. I feel like my issues are so small compared to certain peoples. But I know deep down if I don't get this checked, it will eat me up and spit me out.
Basically, I have not seen a doctor yet but I have an abundance of issues I am dealing including but not limited to;
- Lack of sleep/sleeping through the day and staying up at night
- Lack of appetite some days
- Some general body dysmorphia. I am really not happy with how I look
- Sexuality problems - I was straight, then gay, then bi, then gay, and now I am straight again? It is confusing and I don't wanna explain.
- General self-worth issues
- Anxiety and stress at an all time high
- Feeling like I should be somebody else
- Feeling like I am not being heard
And it got to me at one point. And I just wanted to be left alone for ever. Not like suicide or self harm or anything but like eternal solitude. Which is really hard for me to get.
I want to speak to a Doctor but I am unsure of what to say/what to do. And that uncertainty has gotten me even more anxious. So where do I go from here?
I am stuck, and honestly? I want to be a better person. I want to be better. I feel like my issues are so small compared to certain peoples. But I know deep down if I don't get this checked, it will eat me up and spit me out.
2
Comments
I can understand that you wanted to be left alone for a while, which is why you left the boards. Sometimes when we get incredibly overwhelmed we can feel like our brain is shutting down and that it is easier to just do as little as possible. I'm really glad you have decided to come back to The Mix, and I hope we can support you as you navigate the issues you have identified. Always remember you are more than welcome to drop in and out of these boards depending on how you feel.
Regarding your last point: It's an amazing first step to recognise that you want to be a better person. I think it takes a lot of courage to recognise and identify when we have issues, and to recognise that we can be doing more to be as you say a "better person".
I know you might think that your issues are small compared to others, but that does not mean what you are facing is not relevant. What you are going through is no less important than anyone else. You have the right to feel what you are feeling ,regardless if others have a different relative experience. You can be grateful for some things in your life and still go through a host of issues. Being grateful that we are better than others and wanting to fix our own issues are not mutually exclusive.
You mentioned wanting to talk to a doctor, but you were unsure how to proceed. I know people are a bit worried about booking doctors appointments and taking up GPs time during Covid but please do not let that stop you. Your problems do not stop being problems just because of the current situation. GPs would prefer if you talked to them now rather than later. My GP is doing phone/video consultations.
Here's a link from the Mental Health Foundation about how to talk to your GP about your mental health. I'd also recommend maybe taking a look at the Mental Health Foundation page on depression, as a few of the things you list are considered symptoms of depression.
I know those two links might be a bit overwhelming, so I am more than happy to break down the main parts of each page if you want me to
When we are unhappy with ourselves, other areas of our lives such as physical and mental wellbeing, can also be affected. When we are happier with ourselves, we may struggle less with mental wellbeing.
I'm wondering what it is that you'd like to achieve or change about yourself? The problem with wanting to be someone else is that it can be difficult to figure out if that's what we really want, whether we want others to treat us better, or whether we are aiming for the impossible perfection.
For example, for me, I spent years feeling like I was 'broken' and 'different' and that if I could be like others, or be 'normal' then I would somehow be 'fixed'. I even went to therapy thinking there was something wrong with me. I tried self-help stuff too. But still something just didn't fit right with me. I realised that I had been comparing myself to others, and yet there's a chance I might be autistic, so that might explain why I didn't fit in. When I realised this, I realised that I had spent years trying to fit in with others and be a 'better person' that I didn't know who I was anymore. Ironically, this was a good thing because what happened was that I started discovering myself and I have realised that over the last few years, I am turning into the person that I actually like and felt that I was all along and yet could never be years ago (I was bullied and friendless for most of high school and as a result struggled with depression and anxiety).
So if there's a version of you in your mind that you want to be more like then I think that's worth exploring and maybe you can try to find ways of becoming the person that you want to be, even if it's just small steps. But if you feel you should be someone else or a better person, as a result of comparing yourself to others, peer pressure or bullying, then the problem might not be you but those around you. Others should like us for how we truly are and it can help to surround yourself with those who accept you as you are and where you can be your true self (and not hold back). There is also the risk that when we want to change ourselves, especially if we are prone to perfectionism, we may be trying to reach for something ('perfection') that is impossible and we may end up frustrated with ourselves as a result. So it can also help to give yourself a break, set realistic goals, and accept yourself for who you are. The same goes for sexuality- I don't believe that it's fixed as in either you are straight, gay or bi, but that it's okay to fluctuate between these states. More so since sexuality may be less about who we are, and more about who the other person is!
Your issues aren't small. If something is bothering you then it's always worth talking about regardless of what others are experiencing or feeling. As for going to the doctor, you could do that, and say that you have been struggling with sleep, appetite, self-worth, anxiety etc. The doctor may want to talk to you about these things and question you if they are unsure of what you mean. They may then refer you to mental health for psychological therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Mindfulness, individual counselling etc. I do like the link that @Jordan provided too.
Hope this helps a bit
A lot of my interests have been placed on me by peer pressure and a need to be 'cool'. I have never been comfortable with anything I have touched or been a part of, and I am constantly trying out new hobbies and practices to no avail. More over, I don't feel this 'culture' we have here.
I feel like if I was living elsewhere I would be happier - and I don't mean by myself...I have always been fascinated with Japanese culture. To the point where I wear Japanese clothes, study japanese, know a lot of the mythology, and for kicks I even watch Japanese parlimentry sessions when I am super bored.
I once aired this online and I was told some horrible things - mainly that I was a racist for trying a culture that was not my own? One white knighting SJW even said I was a stain for ordering Japanese kimono shirts and cooking books. But that is the culture I feel at home with; manga, anime, the cool caligraphy, the fancy drawings...it is something I really enjoy looking at and being part of.
But as with most things, i am forced to conform to other cultures I never felt a part of at all. It is pretty hard to explain, and any other way paints me as a racist. But I am not.
I feel silenced for experiencing a culture other then the norm...
I understand you have a slightly different situation though. It's great that you love all things Japanese, and feel such a strong connection with Japanese culture, more than your own. It makes a lot of sense that you'd feel you'd be happier living elsewhere. Maybe that's something you can aim for in life?
Unfortunately, there's always going to be people trying to bring you down. And most unfortunately, when this happens online, there's usually a following of those who believe that living or adapting to any culture than that of your own is racist. Personally, I don't think this is true, especially since you've taken the time to really learn about Japanese culture and it's something that you feel most comfortable with. I think it can help to remember that people often say things online that they wouldn't say in person- they may feel more confident being anonymous and behind a screen. Chances are, if they are calling you such things, it may be something a bit like jealousy where they can't handle that someone wants to live as they please and not like everyone else, and as a result, bringing you down, makes them feel better. People judge what they don't understand and I guess maybe it makes sense to them to play the 'racist' card when they can't understand why someone would be unhappy with their own culture and prefer something else.
You don't have to conform to your original culture, if it's just not you. It's good that you have such a passion in Japanese culture and it seems like engaging in your interests really seems to help you feel more comfortable. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to understand this and while you could live as you please, you'd have to block out all those who disagree with your lifestyle. The alternative may be just feigning a small amount of interest in your culture to get by and then to find safe places and people you can share your interests with- the right people will be more than happy to share in your passion!
And feeling this way doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with you either. Even though it can be difficult at times, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you are at all.