How to stop being so insecure?

Former Member

Hey everyone. I've been reflecting a lot and I'm realising that I'm just a really spineless and insecure person. I've always had trouble standing up for what's right and doing the right thing and I've previously been pretty hateful, yet I simultaneously criticise others all the time. I guess I do it on impulse for the instant gratification but I usually regret it and it makes me a pretty unpleasant person to be around.

Social media really enables this sort of thing for me and it's why I've vowed to never have a personal Twitter again cause I just speak before I think about how hypocritical I'm being. I shouldn't be simultaneously so hotheaded and opinionated at times (often about things I don't have a right to act so opinionated about) and yet so sensitive to criticism. It's more than a bit pathetic and I don't want to keep living this way. It's probably a symptom of being so involved with toxic communities growing up but that's no excuse.

I'm hopefully seeing a therapist soon and I hope we can work on this together along with my disorder. But does anyone have any tips for this? How do I be a stronger ally and person and stop making excuses? This is likely more OCD related but how do I stop feeling like I have to confess all of this inappropriately? I know I deserve all repurcussions that might occur for the way I've acted and I need to become better at accepting the uncertainty and moving on. Thanks to anyone who responds.

independent_

I think first and foremost stepping back from social media sounds like a really good idea. That doesn’t necessarily mean quite completely, but I know I’ve found that it can be a horrid place to be sometimes.

I’m the opposite of you in some ways in that I’ve found that being sensitive to criticism has made me very aware of it and wary of criticising others because I know how it makes me feel. But I know that not everyone is like me, and sometimes being able to moderate what we say comes with time, experience and maturity. If I’ve found myself wanting to say something that could hurt someone, I’ve learned over time to put myself in their shoes - how would it make me feel if someone said that to me? If you do spend time on social media especially, it may be worth making a habit out of reading through each post once before you post it and asking yourself that question and answering it honestly in your head. In time it may come more naturally. 

I don’t know if this will be helpful to you, but I talk as someone who grew up with the internet and who has been on social media since I was an embarrassingly young age. In a way regulating what I say on the internet has helped me to do the same in my day-to-day life, it may be the same for you. But either way it’s bound to take time, and you’re right your therapist will likely be able to explore this further with you and give you ways of coping with it more long-term. I hope you get to see them soon

Former Member

Thank you @independent_ for the advice

I have mostly stepped back from social media now. I just wish I'd learned to do that sooner because I think it's given me a very black and white view of everything. I'll criticise others for making a perfectly normal mistake, feel good for a second and feel like shit for the rest of the week. Everyone has treated me with kindness and I have to start giving the same back.

I'm embarrassed that I'm like this at my age but I think I'm on the right track to being less judgmental now. I don't really know how to get over the guilt of how I was though, I'd say some really horrible things or take things out of context because I didn't like someone or it made me feel better about myself and I don't know how to forgive myself for being so nasty. I haven't really directly hurt people, just said judgmental things behind closed doors which is probably why people see me as a more pleasant person than I actually am. Honestly I'm a coward for not being able to just say things to people's faces if I really have a problem with them.

I hope that I can work with a therapist soon but CAMHS hasn't been very good from my experience so far. They already lied about when they sent out a letter to me and even then it should have arrived by now. I hope it all works out soon though.

Former Member

Hey there @Past User 

@independent_ has really hit the nail on the head - social media can be a wonderful, inclusive place but it's also a system that doesn't really allow for people to make mistakes. You're absolutely right that everything can appear black and white, and it's very tempting to quickly jump to judgements in an effort to appear a certain way. We all craft personas on the internet; it sounds to me like social media has been a way for you to express things that you wouldn't have ordinarily said to people directly.

Sometimes this can be a positive thing but if, on reflection, you're unhappy or even ashamed of your behaviour, I think it's a really good thing to step back from social media and reevaluate how you want to act going forward. It's fantastic that you're so self aware and empathetic to how this has impacted others. When we've hurt people or been judgemental, it can be really easy to judge ourselves harshly as well. While it's good to accept responsibility for our actions, try not to be too hard on yourself; you've recognised there's a problem and you're actively doing something about it. 

I really hope that you get somewhere with CAMHS and therapy works out for you. Keep posting in this thread and let us know how you get on! 

Former Member

Thank you for the advice @Past User

I'm trying to focus on the future as best I can but I just hate the way I've acted, always acting so righteous and judgmental all the time and speaking on issues that I shouldn't. I've criticised others for doing the exact same thing I did fairly recently and wasn't reprimanded for, it's just hypocritical and I need to be more understanding of others. I don't know if I can accept myself until I've gone through proper therapy to sort it all out but I'll try not to agonise over it too much.

I'll definitely keep posting in here when there's any progress. The letter from CAMHS still hasn't arrived and it's really frustrating considering it was sent last Thursday, fingers crossed it comes tomorrow.

Azziman

First thing you need to do is just stop, take a break, and look at what's going on. Sometimes we get so caught up in routine and life that even when we know there's a problem, we don't have the perspective we actually need to understand it! 

You've found there's an insecurity within yourself, so time to get exploring and looking into what exactly that insecurity is about. Once you've got that, decide whether it's something you can sort out or not. If it is, sort it out, and if not, you need to learn to adapt to what it is. 

At the same time, it sounds like you've been unpleasant and aggressive - good thing you've spotted it! But now it's about sorting that out too. Once again, take a break. Why is the automatic response to go on the offensive? Part of it will be an underlying insecurity (which you need to look into), but it also has to do with your sense of self and how you see others, as well as being a learned response to particular situations. Can you think of anything specific that gets you particularly angry? That might give you more answers.

It's not easy to sort this kind of thing out, and some people refuse to. But you've spotted it and it sounds like you want to correct it. It'll take some work - after all, this didn't happen overnight! But it's good in the long-term - both for you and others x