So confused about everything

Former Member

Hello everyone, 

I'm 21-years old. Depressed about everything, and only have a diagnosis of OCD and autism. However, I think I may have some form of depression - also apparently I think weirdly as well?

To be honestly, I have no idea whether I have bipolar, BPD or some form of psychotic depression? Basically, I'm on antidepressants and antipsychotics. But because I have "insight" into my mental health, it's taken less seriously. But I'm not sure even if I insight into my mental health anymore because I can't help but think this depression is normal and everyone experiences suicidal feelings and hates their lives as well? Without medication I think I become borderline psychotic. I once thought that all anime/cartoon characters were superior to my mother and I. For example, their lives were worth living and ours wasn't. It was a thought that felt really real and no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it wasn't true, it seemed it was. But I'm not sure if I'm 100% better because I feel that Japanese people are the only people who should be living because of their pop culture. Like, their pop culture is so much better than ours. 

I just don't know what normal is anymore? I find that I experience tastes that aren't there. For example, sometimes I can taste mayonnaise when I haven't ate it? Sometimes I can taste smoke through my nose. I am not always sure if something has actually happened, or whether I imagined it, it's confusing and distressing for me. I also get the feeling that I have lived through the present situation before, like things are repeating. I know everyone gets deja vu, but I genuinely think that I have lived that moment before. It's hard to explain. I've never had sex before, but my sex drive is so high. It gets so high that I have to masturbate every single night. Sometimes I also have mental dullness, but then sometimes I get really creative and have a great imagination. 

I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Former Member

Hello @Past User

Welcome to the boards and well done for opening up and making your first post. We are all here for you

It sounds like you are experiencing a range of thoughts, feelings and sensations that you aren't feeling too sure about. You say this feels confusing and distressing, which I understand, but you made a great first step by speaking about these feelings. 

You say your mental health is taken less seriously because you have insight, but you are questioning this. Firstly, you deserve to have your mental health taken very seriously regardless of how it is experienced. I like to be cautious using the word 'normal' as it's always difficult to define normal - but in terms of experiencing suicidal feelings and hating your life, this is something that not everybody does experience and therefore is something you truly deserve support with. 

I'm just wondering, how would you feel about visiting your GP to discuss these thoughts and experiences?

Azziman

Welcome

JustV

Welcome to the community @Past User, and nice avatar! Gorillaz fan?

As @coc0mac said, you've taken a brave step to post here and share what's going on. It's never easy to talk about things like psychosis, intrusive thoughts, or sex drive. These things deserve to be taken seriously - you deserve to be taken seriously - even if health professionals don't seem to agree. Feelings of depression are always worth considering getting support for and are valid.

I would also agree that words like 'normal' can be tricky, because we all have our own version of that. What society teaches us is normal very often isn't for everyone, though it's super natural to want to find a reference point for 'normal' or 'healthy' when everything feels so confusing. That's very human.

Having sensations you can't explain, like tastes or smells, is worth talking to a GP about to be safe. We're not experts here but that probably isn't considered typical and could potentially be a symptom of something else going on. It's also tricky to say whether those thoughts you describe are anything to be concerned about. On one hand, we all get intrusive or weird thoughts sometimes. On the other hand, if it feels quite persistent for you or you have trouble dismissing or rationalising them, then it might be worth talking to someone about them to see what could be going on. Masturbating every day isn't anything to worry about, necessarily, if you're comfortable with it. Everyone has different sex drives and there isn't really a 'normal' when it comes to how often you satisfy yours.

Can I ask why you're on antipsychotics?

I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Be kind to yourself. Oftentimes these things are more about being wired a bit differently rather than something about you being 'broken' or 'wrong', similarly to OCD or autism. And there's always a way to manage even the more serious mental health conditions day-to-day.

Have you talked to anyone else about what you shared with us?