My gf and I have differing views on distancing from each other

Former Member

It's been 3 months since I last hugged my girlfriend. This isn't because we broke up; it's not because one of us moved away; it is, of course, because of coronavirus.

At first, I was pretty ready to go along with the guidelines on social distancing, and I've abided by them, as has my girlfriend. We've both been living at our respective parents' houses during lockdown, and have seen each other twice since March, at a distance.

It's now 3 months since lockdown began, and I'm pretty upset that I still can't go near her. In my eyes, it's a pretty small risk of catching or passing on coronavirus if you're only seeing one person. She's going back to living alone in a few weeks, and neither of us have health conditions. 

Nonetheless, she keeps her distance from me. She's worried about passing it on to her mother, who may have a health condition (under investigation), on the occasional time her mother visits. 

I think the distance has had a huge impact on our relationship; we were seeing each other every few days before lockdown and now we have a short call every few days and that's it. I feel a lot more distant from her now. 

But I don't really know what I can do. I don't think I can persuade her to change her mind about this, and I don't really have any right to ask her to do something which is still technically against lockdown rules. 

Does anyone have any advice?  

independent_

Hi there @Jawface,

I completely understand how you feel here. It’s been 4 months since I’ve seen my boyfriend at all because of lockdown, distance and his time at school. I think this has been a really difficult time for a lot of couples because many are having to maintain a relationship this way for the first time ever (my boyfriend and I were long distance before this) which is really really hard.

It is totally up to each person whether they’re willing to take additional risk. I think we’ve got to a point now where it’s going to be really, really difficult for people to stick completely to the 2m social distancing guideline (I know I’ve broken it) and people are going to really struggle with that. However, if someone isn’t ok with it, then you must absolutely respect that. I’m all for limiting the spread of this virus and preventing a second peek, but I agree that we’ve come to a point where it’s very hard to stay at that distance from others all of the time. So I know how you feel. It’s still important that you do keep your distance from others as much as you can though.

In terms of making things feel easier at a distance, it’s really important to communicate with each other. It becomes really hard to feel a connection with someone when you’re not seeing them and hardly speaking to them. Maybe send each other texts of what you’re doing during the day sometimes, how you’re both feeling, send pictures of your pets and cute things that they do (if you have them) etc. You could also try video calling each other and having like a little video call date. My boyfriend and I have done this before where we’ve facetimed each other, had a drink and a chat and it was actually really nice (and this was pre-lockdown, so it works outwith lockdown as well).

But it is really important to that you do speak about the important issues, like the distancing, and try to agree on them.

I wish you all the best, take care

Former Member

Hi @Jawface
It's understandable that you're struggling with being apart from your girlfriend, especially now you can see each other in person but can't be physically close to them. It's normal to feel like the distance has had an impact on your relationship and it can be devastating to feel this way. 

It's important to appreciate everyone's boundaries on social distancing even though it's hard that your girlfriend's views are different from your own. It can be frustrating when you're in a relationship but it's understandable she is concerned about her mother.

I'm wondering if you've considered speaking to your girlfriend about how you've been feeling and concerned about getting more distant? Even though you can't physically be close together there are ways to find more intimacy that you could talk about together.

Former Member

Hey @Jawface

I agree with the others about communication. Communication is key, especially now during the outbreak. I think letting her know exactly how you feel may put your mind at rest. Maybe even try to rephrase what you've shared on The Mix. 

I've attached an article about long-distance relationships. I hope you find it useful. 
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/long-distance-relationships-2943.html

You'll figure out what to say

Azziman

Hey

Coronavirus can put a strain on relationships because of how much things lives have changed, and it sounds like you've been impacted in this way as well. Every relationship needs trust as one of the core pillars, otherwise it won't work out really. You have to understand why she's saying this.

For you, you're not able to see her much at the moment, and of course that isn't fun. But she is living with a vulnerable person, with a contagious virus spreading across the population. That's a scary thought, knowing that your mother could have her life taken because of it, and so of course she is going to do everything she can to prevent that from happening. So she keeps her distance from everyone, not just you, as much as she can to protect her family. She is probably missing you a lot too, but having her mother's life at stake is far more important at the moment to be honest. If you were in her position, you'd do exactly the same.

You will see each other again once lockdown is eased further. But if she's not careful, she might not be able to see her mother ever again. Be patient, communicate to each other how being apart makes you feel, and understand the position she is in. Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but giving an objective view of what's going on, I have to be honest with you and say that she's absolutely right in what she's doing x

Much love

Former Member

Hi @Jawface

I completely get you, my boyfriend and I are in a very similar situation. Ah, can't wait for those hugs again! It's a really tough situation right now and it can be super hard if you've never been long distance before.

Like its been said before, communication, communication, communication! It's so incredibly important when you're long distance. While it's hard, being apart physically doesn't have to mean being apart truly. My bf and I have been long distance due to uni for the last 2 years (we've been together for 3) and when we're apart, we call every day. It really helps to have a routine - we tend to call before I go to bed, and we talk about what we've done with our day, even if it's only a 'how are you feeling'. While you're struggling with the lack of physical contact, it might be helpful to suggest increasing how often you guys talk on the phone. Thanks to technology, you can still do things together - take full advantage of it while all this is going on.

Being long-distance at any time can be hard but it's especially so during this pandemic. It's tough right now, but it's important to remember that this is temporary and surviving this will genuinely only make your relationship so much stronger.

Best wishes <3

Former Member

Hey @Jawface

This sounds really tough - I can totally see where you're coming from but I also get your girlfriend's concerns for her mum.

You say you only have a short call every few days but I wonder if you can suggest talking more during this time - and you don't even have to just talk there's quite a few websites that are suggesting virtual dating ideas for people doing long-distance during Covid - maybe take a look at some of these and see if you two can do something fun together and maybe try and embrace the distance:
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a32173236/long-distance-date-ideas/
https://www.businessinsider.com/virtual-dating-ideas-for-the-coronavirus-social-distancing-era-2020-3?r=US&IR=T