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I feel like a failure
Former Member
Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
I’m 19 with Aspergers and severe anxiety. I’ve never been out clubbing, never been on a “girls holiday”, barely leave my house, never had a job, I don’t know who I can actually count on and who my friends are. Everyone has a group of friends, I feel like I have no one. I feel like a bore, a failure and a burden to everyone and I don’t know what to do.
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It can be awful feeling like you are failure and a burden to the people in your life, especially if you also don't know who you can count on or trust in your life. I'm wondering how long you have been feeling this way?
You mentioned all the things that you haven't done that others have which makes you feel like a failure but it's important that you recognize your own achievements and not compare yourself to others and what they have done in their life. Your life is your own and you are not a failure for not having done some things that others have.
I'm glad you reached out here and we are here to support you. You are not alone.
It's really sad to hear that you think all these negative things about yourself. It sounds like your are going through a difficult time.
I agree with @Gemma, you should not compare your life experiences to that of others. You shouldn't define your self-worth by the standards of others either.
I can see that you think your friendships are struggling and you are unsure of who your friends are. Have you tried to check-in with someone you may consider a friend? Maybe your friends feel a bit distance because of the current virus situation. I have definitely noticed that my friends are a bit distant during this time
I definitely would not worry about clubbing and girls holidays right now. You are so young and have plenty of time for that. Just because you haven't been clubbing, that does not make you a failure. Would you like to go clubbing? Maybe that's something you could look forward to after this lockdown all blows over.
I have attached a little article about corona-anxiety. This might be helpful to you because you have severe anxiety.
https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/anxiety-ocd-and-phobias/how-to-deal-with-corona-anxiety-35761.html
I have also attached a little article about loneliness. I hope you might find this helpful too.
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/im-lonely-4526.html
Please don't think it is okay to call yourself a bore, failure or burden when you are upset.
I hope I have helped!
Tee A
Hey there,
Firstly, I think @Gemma and @Tee A gave some good advice so I’ll try not to repeat them.
I’m a bit like you. I’ve never been clubbing or on a girls holiday. In fact, I’ve struggled a lot socially for most of my life and it’s only the last few years that I’ve realised I may have Asperger’s. Before I realised this, I felt a lot like you- that I was a burden, a failure and a bore. I sometimes still feel this way at times, but I’ve realised that for me, a lot of how I felt was actually as a result of a) comparing myself to other people my age and b) that I thought being ‘different’ meant failure. Do you feel this may be true for you too? If you do, it might help to focus inwards- what are you good at? What do you like to do or enjoy? Even though having Asperger’s and anxiety may bring about some difficulties, it does not mean that you are a failure or a burden or anything. I know that it might not feel like it, but I think that sometimes when we feel like a failure or a burden, this may be due to low self-esteem. We might feel bad about ourselves, but it doesn’t mean that we actually are. And even if other people are doing things that we haven’t got to yet e.g. a job, it still doesn’t mean that we are a failure. It just means we haven’t got a job….yet. And that’s okay. Society often puts pressure on us to go to school, get a job, have loads of friends and go on holidays etc., but just because you might not have done these things it doesn’t make you a failure at all. It’s okay to just be you, focus on yourself and what you want to do
It seems like you may be feeling a bit like you are stuck in a rut- barely leaving the house, not having a job etc. I’m similar. Is there a particular reason you don’t leave the house in general (aside from the current coronavirus situation)? If you struggle with anxiety, it can help to take small steps such as just sitting outside for a few minutes each day before building up to a point where you feel comfortable enough to take a short walk. If you’re not in school or working, it can be easy to get stuck in a rut and not have a routine, so perhaps try to schedule in some time each day to get some fresh air. Coronavirus aside, is there anything you would like to do, such as volunteering? You could even consider volunteering online (I did, with The Mix!). When we volunteer it can help to build up our self-esteem and helps to bridge the gap between school and work. I’ve found that volunteering has helped to give me confidence and as a result I’d like to get involved with other types of volunteering such as at a dog shelter.
I understand that friends can be tricky when it comes to having Aspergers. It may seem like many people have groups of friends and if we aren’t part of a group it can lead us to feel like we have no-one. But this isn’t necessarily true either- if we have one or two friends, even if it’s not a group, that’s still okay. Of course, if you’d like more friends or would like to be part of a group of friends, then that’s okay too. It may take some work on your part…maybe start with things that you are interested in and see if they are any groups or meetups in your area where you could meet like minded people. Or making friends online is another alternative (online friendships are as valid as any other type of friendship). It’s also okay if you want to go clubbing or on a girly holiday, if that’s what you want and not just to ‘fit in’. It may take some planning…for example, would you feel comfortable going to a club on your own? Or could you ask a friend if they would go clubbing with you? You could compromise and suggest that you go clubbing for an hour or so and then do something they want to do afterwards or at another time. Maybe you can build this up until you meet others who want to go clubbing and can join them. The same goes for going a holiday with friends. If you can’t go on holiday in the near future, maybe take a day trip somewhere instead (once coronavirus is over). This will help you develop skills that you can use for when you do get to go on holiday and can allow you to spend more quality time with friends.
You mention that you don’t know who you can count on or who your friends are, and I’m wondering if there is a particular reason why you may feel this way? It may be that the coronavirus situation is affecting your friendships as everyone is under more stress these days. Even though we’d like to turn to our friends whenever things get difficult for us, sometimes this isn’t always possible. Equally, it may be nice to think that friends who want to spend time with us should be messaging us or initiating plans with us first, but again this isn’t always realistic. Sometimes we have to be the one to message or initiate first, and in some cases, it may be that our friends are happy to respond but aren’t good at keeping in touch- but we shouldn’t take this personally. Friends might be busy but they should try to spend some time either chatting online or spending time together in person. And sometimes friends might have struggles of their own and they might not be available to us, but again, we shouldn’t take this personally and instead try to figure out if we can help in some way. Overall, friends can help support us with what we want in life and help us to feel positive when spending time with them or chatting to them. I’d definitely recommend what @Tee A suggested and try checking in with friends. If you decide that your friendships aren’t meeting your needs, it’s okay to consider expanding your social circle and try making new friendships.
You are valid just as you are