I'm not okay.

Former Member

I'm 22. and recently went through a very painful breakup...
A little context. 2 years back in medical school I met a boy. We started out as friends.quickly became best friends and then we were dating. I'm not someone who is happy with herself. I have extreme issues regarding myself. Never really believed myself to be love worthy. I was always there in someones life and I knew I was no ones priority. Even my parents. I love them I do but they have their favorites.My mom loves my brother and my dad loves my sister. Obviously They love me but it's there...always that realisation of never being someones first. so this guy made me his first. and at first i rejected him and told him not to make me open up because I know the hurt of having being told you aren't worth it. he broke down every wall I had and i fell for him.He was my first. and we were going great. suddenly he just withdrew.we would talk hours and then suddenly...nothing. he didn't speak much. he never messaged or anything. He began hanging out with a friend of mine. it didn't really bother me. but then things at home suddenly got worse. and you tend to look at your boyfriend for support right? he wasn't there. he was with her and i broke down. i already wasn't sleeping and then it just threw me. What he was doing. when i talked to him he told me i could have texted him and i just felt more guilty. and he told me not to make him chose between me or her (red flag i ignored)
he called me toxic and when i asked what was it that was so toxic he took back what he said and told me no i wasn't toxic. he felt guilty or something because i suddenly got all the attention.which lasted a weekend at best. he was with her again.by that time i wasn't sleeping or eating. i looked pale...infact everyone around me noticed i wasn't okay. i broke our snapstreak. 
I left university early one day i couldn't see them together and it was actually hurting. Coincidentally he got beat up. and he blames me for not bring there. That killed me. And i did what i could but he completely removed me from his life. he even uses the excuse of a snapstreak saying why would you break that?
i was foolish to get..intimate in a way thinking i loved him..thinking i was helping him..but i regret it so much...the guilt literally eats me alive.he was destroying me. being with me but spending all that time with her.every single day
i miss him and it hurts because i have to see them everyday and i have to endure him replaying me right infront of my eyes...the same nickname...the same seats in the bus. what do i do?
i miss him but i hate him.he took and he knew he didn't feel the same and he continued to lead me on. and it kills me because i couldn't take it anymore and i left. later he told me he still had my letters and all the gifts i gave him. why would he keep those?! and why tell me.
i can't remove him from my mind. i can't stop the memories especially the ones of us getting intimate out of my mind. it intensified the self loathing i have for myself.how do i stop it? what do i do?
because my studies are getting affected and thats killing me that i let my daily life get affected this much.how do i stop the memories..how do i stop the emotions from taking over?

Maisy

Hey there,

 

I’m sorry to hear about the painful break up you experienced. Break ups are never easy and they can often be as a result of many complex factors.

 

You mention that you have issues regarding yourself, and don’t believe yourself to be worthy of love and have even felt this way with your family- knowing that you are loved, but feeling that your parents have favourites. I’m wondering whether you have explored your insecurities with anyone such as a counsellor? A lot of the time, when we feel insecure about ourselves (and this may have been because we have been hurt), we may believe that we aren’t worthy or love and that others are loved more than us. While your parents shouldn’t have favourites, it may be a possibility that your insecurities might be at play here- making you feel that you aren’t ‘good enough’ in comparison with your siblings. However, its good to remember that these are just thoughts and not necessarily reality. It can also help to try to avoid comparing yourself to others- you are different to your siblings and your parents may love you in different ways, not necessarily more or less.

 

It sounds like you were quite scared of being in a relationship with this guy because of your past experience of being made to feel like you aren’t worth it and naturally wouldn’t want to have risked being hurt again. However, if we avoid things out of insecurity, we may miss out on a chance to have genuine connection with others. Equally, if we are insecure and haven’t got the help we need to be more secure in ourselves, it can sometimes cause problems in the relationship.

 

It’s sad that this guy withdrew and began spending more time with a friend of yours. Though we don’t know why this is, it might help to remember that when we are insecure, it may feel (to the other person) that our partners have to try to make us feel more secure, which isn’t necessarily their responsibility. This is where counselling or therapy can be helpful in that we learn to feel secure in ourselves and not necessarily need others to do this for us. It’s also understandable that when things were getting worse for you at home, that you would’ve wanted to reach out to your boyfriend for support and sadly he wasn’t there for you. We might like to think that being in a relationship means that we have a priority in our partners lives and while this may be true to an extent, it is still important that you both have your own friends and interests outside of your partner. This may be partly why he was telling you not to make him choose between you and her, while also this made you feel that you aren’t important. It’s all about balance- partners need to know that they can rely on each other but also that they have freedom to spend time with others, which requires trust and security. Going too far one way (not letting someone spend time with others) or the other (spending too much time with others) can be harmful to the relationship.

 

I’m sorry to hear the extent of how this all got to you- struggling with sleeping, eating and looking pale. Stress can definitely have a big impact on our lives but it’s also important that you talk to someone about how you have been feeling so that you can make steps to look after yourself.

 

It’s unfortunate that your boyfriend got beat up, but you are not to blame for that. It wasn’t your fault that you weren’t there or your fault that he got beat up. Equally, I’m sorry that it was really hurting you being with him but also seeing him with her every day. It’s natural you would’ve felt hurt, more so if you are insecure. I also understand that since the break up things would only feel worse for you now that you have to see your ex with her on a daily basis, doing all the things you used to do. Its understandable that you both miss him and also regret the relationship too, and it may seem that your ex also has complicated emotions in that he has still kept your letters and gifts (he may miss you too).

 

Do you think it would help to talk things out with your ex? If not, it might help to try to keep your distance, put away all reminders (including on social media) and try to be gentle with yourself. Focus on what you want in your life right now- what things interest you? What things have you wanted to do? It can help to focus on ourselves after a break up and take the time to really get to know ourselves, this is especially true if you have low self-esteem or feel insecure. If it is affecting you in school, then talking to a teacher or school counsellor can help too. It’s okay to cry and get upset over the memories. There will come a time when the memories won’t bother you anymore. It can also help talking to friends and family, or even posting here on The Mix