Other Half’s Insecurities

Former Member

Hello,

My boyfriend of 3 years recently split up with me because he feels he can’t trust me. He says he loves me but doubts and battles with his mind as to whether he can trust me or not and says he can’t live with that and needs to learn to love himself again first. 

This all came about after an incident where I lied a few years back to protect us both because I knew how he would react. This incident didn’t involve any cheating or doing anything intently and I have told the truth since.
I have never lied since or done anything for him to doubt my trust.
How can I get him to trust me again and rekindle the relationship?

Maisy

Hey there,

Sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend recently splitting up and how difficult it is for him to trust you.

It sounds like the incident where you lied seemed to affect him quite deeply. Though you say you did it to protect you both, knowing how he would react, it may have been that in doing so, he may feel that you undermined him e.g. he may feel that you couldn't trust him to handle the truth appropriately. 

I'm also wondering why he feels he needs to learn to love himself again? Having trust in someone is one thing, but learning to love yourself, sounds like he may have low self-esteem, and not feel worthy. These things in particular, are things that he will have to work on for himself. 

It's hard going through a breakup, but it sounds like your ex needed to do this for himself. It's no fun loving someone and yet battling with your own mind as to whether you can trust them or not (even though you haven't lied or done anything since the incident). Regaining that trust can be difficult as it's not something that you have a lot of control over. It might help to listen to him and try to understand his perspective on things. You've already taken steps to not lie or do anything for him to doubt you, so just carry on doing that. The same goes for rekindling the relationship. Though your ex will likely need some time, and it seems that he wants to work on himself before (re)entering a relationship. 

Ultimately though, you can't force your ex to trust you again nor rekindle the relationship. It's something that he will need to come to terms with in his own time. 

You might find this article on building trust helpful: https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/trust-13956.html 

Take care

Former Member

Hi @Past User 

Sending you hugs - break ups are never easy and this situation in particular sounds really tough

I do agree with Maisy. It sounds like your boyfriend has some things he needs to work on by himself so maybe give it a little bit of time. And in the meantime take some time to yourself too and practice some self-love because you deserve it.