Just a little bit fed up

Ellis

Sometimes It feels like the whole worlds against me, I know that’s not the case but sometimes it feels that way. I understand that to get help you need to ask for it but I don’t think that it’s help I need, it’s daft but I just want someone to see that I’m struggling and maybe just to re assure me that I’m doing ok and that there’s nothing to worry about.

My mum has been a heroin user for years, she used to steal from people that cared about her so that she could buy drugs. She ended up losing her business and family but she wasn’t really bothered. It was her boyfriend who introduced her to heroin, we lived with him and his brother, they were both users too.

Mums boyfriend wasn’t very nice, he used to hit her a lot but his brother would always stick up for mum and stick up for me too. He died though of an over dose. He was using methadone and had just stopped using heroin completely but he relapsed and that took it out of him. 

It’s mostly just me and mum now but her boyfriend is still around. I find life hard, seeing mum pick drugs over me and knowing that if she could, she would trade me for a high. 

After school, I always feel choked up before I come into our house, I worry that I’m going to get home one day and mum will be dead. I always call her name and wait for a reply before I go into whatever room she’s in. 

I hope that one day she will see that I’m finding this difficult and that she chooses me over the drugs .

Maisy

Hey @Ellis

Welcome to The Mix!

I understand the feeling of the whole world being against you. It's also difficult when you may feel that help isn't exactly what you need, more understanding and validating.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother being on heroin and the effect that this has had on you and your mother's previous business. It sounds like your mothers boyfriend was a negative influence on your mother, and worse, was abusive towards her too. This must've been very upsetting and difficult for you to have lived with.

You deserve a mother who choses you, and is there for you, and I'm sorry that your mother isn't able to be there for you. Often times, people chose negative relationships and drugs because of their own struggles, maybe even previous trauma, that they never dealt with. The drugs, to them, may make them feel that they have escaped that pain. But it's to your detriment, as she isn't able to be the mother you need right now. She's not a bad person, and while this doesn't excuse what she is doing, it might help to see the circumstances differently. Of course, you still deserve a mother you can be there for you, and I hope one day, she is able to do that.

It makes perfect sense that you would feel choked up coming home, especially given your concerns for your mother. Is anyone at school aware of the situation? Maybe you could try talking to a trusted teacher or school counsellor? I understand that you may feel you don't need help, but equally, you shouldn't have to feel like this something you have to go through on your own either. 

You might also want to speak to our team https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team for one to one support. Or you could contact FRANK https://www.talktofrank.com/ for further support relating to drugs. 

You're doing the best you can in a really difficult situation. Stay strong  

coc0mac

Hi @Ellis

Welcome to the boards. It sounds like you are dealing with quite a lot at the moment so I'm pleased you decided to share it with us here. We are all here to listen and support you whenever you need it - you're not alone

I wanted to say that I absolutely agree with everything @Maisy has said. You deserve to feel so loved and like a priority in your mum's life - and I really hope that, with the right support for her drug use, this is how things will one day be

I understand that it's not help you feel you would like, it's reassurance that you're doing okay. The fact you have opened up to us today and have been able to be so honest shows incredible strength, courage and bravery. So from this alone, I can tell you that you're doing so well, and we are all really proud of you. Keep going, and remember if you ever need to talk about anything, we are right here!

Stephanie

Hey Ellis,

Just wanted to pop on to say it's really positive that you've reached out for support and we're always here for you.

Wanted to echo what has already been said

How are you feeling? 

Sending hugs

Han93

Hi @Ellis

I just wanted to send you hugs and let you know that we are all here for you

I think @Maisy advice is really helpful. I just wanted to add an article that The Mix has posted about coping with a close family member/friend who is an addict: https://www.themix.org.uk/drink-and-drugs/addiction/how-can-i-help-an-addict-9710.html

We Are With You can also offer you further support if you think it would help https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/help-and-advice/advice-about-someone-else/