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Can people change?

Swagger3104Swagger3104 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot

So recently my sister has got back in touch with me after 5 or 6 years of never hearing a word. The main reason for that was that there was a load of family conflict, including my parents, grand parents and her which resulted in my family basically disowneing her. I understand why they feel this way towards her, she made us move house, went to court 5 or 6 times because of her and the stuff she did and shes scammed my grandparents quite a lot too. The thing is I only get told the information from my parents and i dont know what to believe of it because they have a hatred towards her and could be bias and yeah. I mean could they just have been making it seem a lot worse than it was to make me feel the same way about her.
Anyways, she got back in contact with me the other day just out of the blue being particularly nice and she seemed like a genuinely nice person. But the last time I talked to her she was manipulative. So I dont know whether I should keep in contact or not to be fair, I mean shes my sister after all. I dont know whose 'side' I should be on because if my parents found out that I was messaging her I dont know how they'd react. Like, im scared of it, I dont know whether it's worth it. I've been brought up to hate her and the things that she's done. From what I remember she was manipulative so I have this gut feeling that she just wants something out of me and that I'm the only way of getting it, idk whether that's rational or just my anxiety again to be fair. I'm terrified that building a relationship with my sibling is going to ruin the one I currently have with my parents at the moment. I've been kept up by anxiety a lot of this week and I just feel like I have to please everyone because that's the way I am but I don't see a way of doing so.
It all seems so dumb but I can't tell the difference between overthinking and actual possibilities. So my question is can people change? And is it worth risking an already good relationship to build another?
Now that I write it out it all seems so petty but idk what to do anymore.


  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,707 Extreme Poster
    Heya :)

    That's a really tricky one, for sure. All you have to go on about her is that she was manipulative to you and that she's caused problems for your family. People can change, but there's a bigger question at hand here - who do you trust more? You could either give her the benefit of the doubt, and trust that she's a changed person; or, you trust your family's view that she's a problem. Most likely, your family is right and you should stay away from her - it's not worth risking your relationship with your family to take a chance on the hope that your sister might have changed. Having said that, it's a good idea to ask your family about what happened so that you understand how it's got to this point x

    Much love <3
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  • Swagger3104Swagger3104 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Thanks @Azziman
    Really appreciate it, I agree with what you've said to be fair.  <3
     - I asked my family about it earlier and turns out there's more to the situation than I knew before, what a surprise -My sister had depression and trauma from a sexual assault, which my family seems to think doesn't exist they don't believe that mental illness exists. I have more empathy for my sister now I understand why she acted the way she did.My sister was going through that kind of stuff alone it makes sense why she left as soon as she good, to better herself. I know at the time I was pretty young at the time, maybe 11 or 12, so that's why I'm only hearing of this the first time.but maybe  if my family could keep that from me it makes me wonder what else.I don't really know what to think or believe anymore.   :/
  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi @Swagger3104

    Firstly wanted to say I think it’s really brave and kind of you to be even considering being open to a relationship with her again, it would be easier to just dismiss her. There’s always two sides to every story - although your original post was about whether she has changed, with the new info you’ve just got from your family it sounds like you may want to talk to her about everything, as long as you feel safe and comfortable enough to do so? 

    I’ve heard about a lot of people not believing somebody has gone through a sexual assault and I always think regardless of whether it happened or not (and I don’t personally believe many people would make that up) that person will need help and support because something has to be incredibly wrong either way. 

    I think you just need to make sure you look after and protect yourself however you decide to build / not build a relationship back up with her, and it sounds like for your family they felt the only way to protect themselves was to distance from her. And know that it’s ok and we’re here to support you whatever you decide 💜 let us know how you get on.

    - Lucy 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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