My so called friends

Former Member

So im at uni. I'm 22 and ive suffered on and off from depression for 6 years now. Ive recently been doing quite well and have been actively trying to take my therapist's advice. In the past I've been guilty of doing everything for everyone else and neglecting myself, thinking this would make people like me or want to be with me. However this made me miserable. So I've tried looking after myself. Ive started to stand up for myself and say no to things I don't want to do or just make my opinion more known. But this has just made my friends hate me, they've started calling me argumentative, crazy, a psycho and all sorts. They say it all as a joke but I know they mean it. 
Everyone in my friendship group are lovely people. They're sometimes too nice though and won't even say anything bad about people when they've done not very nice things. For example my ex dumped me, cheated on me and did a number of other horrible things to me but they all continued to be friends with him and couldn't understand why I was still hurt a few months down the line. 
I feel like an outsider to the group. They always turn out for each other, but never for me. I asked them all to make an effort when my friends came to visit me at uni and they all said they would. but when the night came for them to make an effort, they all ignored my messages, they didn't apologise, they just ignored me and twisted my words to make me look silly. And it hurt. but when other people's friends or family have visited, they all made a massive effort.
I speak up about things that upset me or things that aren't nice a lot. because it's not nice seeing your friends hurt and I've been told to stand up for myself and more things. But this just makes them call me argumentativee and crazy. And 'none of the other girls do this'. But I find it hard to keep my mouth shut when things aren't right, granted I don't have to speak up every time but I really do try to do what's right   
I started realising that I had the same expectations of them as a friend that I have for me. I would do anything for my friends, would bury a body if they asked. But I know they wouldn't do the same for me and they've proven it time and time again. Every time they upset me, they never apologise and sometimes they've laughed at me and call me dramatic. Then they make jokes about it afterwards. They've never taken the time to actually understand why I could be upset. They always turn it on me and call me crazy. I don't feel safe when Im with them because I never know which way it could go.

I do so much for them that they don't even know. When we shared petrol costs last year I took a loss of about £200 because every time I asked them for money they complained about how poor they were and how I was charging them too much, and I felt awful so I just lost the money (so I had to get a job to make this back). I take them places and cook them dinner and I even gave them my shoes once when there's wore out. but they don't do it back.

So this weekend two of them did something quite bad and it made me realise that they're not good people and in order to save myself from more hurt I have to put walls up to them. But I did something not very nice and sent them a couple horrible messages when I was drunk. I apologised for it but I know they'll hate me. I don't see the point in explaining why I sent the messages because they'll just think Im being horrible to them and won't see it from my side.

So maybe I am crazy and a psycho and a bitch. But I love my friends so much and it hurts that I don't receive the love back. So I realised that the reason that they all support each other and not me is because I must be a terrible person. There's no other reason. If I was a good person that did good things then maybe they'd make an effort with me. So I've decided to keep my mouth shut, try not to bother them as much as possible and then hopefully ill stop bothering them so much and they might like me.

It's the same with boys. Anytime I get even vaguely close to a boy, they leave. I know it's because they find out im a terrible person and leave. no one ever wants to get to know me, but I guess im not worth knowing. All im good for is sex I guess, might as well let someone get pleasure from me. 

Sometimes I think I can't be that bad but then I see all the things people have done and know that they wouldn't do that to someone they love and respect. 

I feel so unsafe. no one has my back and im so alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I try so hard to be a good person and generous. But it/s not enough. I can't stand up for myself anymore, I can't try to help myself because all it does it hurt them.

so goodbye to all that progress.It just proves im not supposed to have friends. Ill never be enough for anyone. 

Former Member

Hey pinguano, it's great to have you on the boards

That must be so hard for you. You do sound alone.

It's a horrible feeling when someone you love doesn't give you anything back. I'm really sorry about your friends. You should look after yourself, I think you're doing really well with trying to do so and taking your therapist's advice. Do you want to break contact with your friends or does that not seem right? And about not thinking they'd see it from your side if you explained why you sent those messages, do you think you'd like to have a go at it anyway and see how it turns out?

I'd be your friend if I could I know it's not the same, but we've all got your back however we're able to. So many people would love you. You're not a terrible person, you sound really kind to me and you're not only enough, but valuable. Anyone who doesn't value you is just wrong and not right for you.

Siena

Heyy!

I know friendships can sometimes feel like your main focus in your head sometimes esp when feel like an outsider. Does sound overwhelming. Im sorry im not going to have much good advice, well apart from defo not burying a body if they asked;)lool.

You do not sound like a terrible person at all. You sound really caring and thoughtful to your friendship. Its also really good to know when to start putting yourself first and to take care of yourself. Sometimes it can take ahile for people to get used to that change. 

When you say you stand up for myself- do you mean youve told them how you feel like an outsider or do you just say when something is wrong? You could try having a conversation more on how you feel than what is wrong. Cause apperently its facts that people listen to your side more when you say how you feel rather than what is wrong. Like random example but apperently if you say "i feel stressed when you dont do the washing up" instead of "you never do the washing up". I dunno something about I-statements gets people to listen & less blame and more responsble for how you feel

It does sound one sider so i mean you could always try putting in less effort so see if they start making any more effort to make it be more equal & might start apprecating you as the good friend you are. 

Im sorry if that not very helpful & load of ramble mess. Welcome to the site though. I really hope you find some support here take lots of care x

Former Member

Hey there! 

Firstly, you should feel extremely proud of yourself for becoming aware and taking your therapists advice to stop yourself from ignoring your own feelings, thoughts and opinions. Remember that you should always know when its right to put yourself first and self-care is always key to well-being. 

I think I understand, it is difficult when we are unable to receive the same treatment we provide others, especially our friends. You should definitely not call yourself 'horrible' because you sound like an amazing friend. Everybody makes mistakes and it's okay to do so. Although you decided to keep quiet after sending the drunk text messages, do you think it would be better for you to do so? Maybe this could be an opportunity for them to become more open about your feelings and to help them to realise why you may be upset about how they have treated you. 

If your friends are do care about you, I am sure if you share your honest feelings with them, how they make you feel, they will be very understanding and everything will start to make more sense. If that is not the case maybe you could consider if they are the right friends? You sound like a lovely person and they are very lucky to have such a thoughtful individual like you in their life. 

Just remember to always take care of yourself because you are the most important!   

Past User

Hey pinguano,

You dont sound like a bad person, or a psycho. Just someone who's struggling and ideally needs care, rather than the confrontation you're getting. I dont think you're being dramatic in thinking people are treating you poorly, but at the same time I putting those walls will likely do more harm than good, depending on the extent you do it to. 

I struggled similarly at university, and I think you should be careful how you deal with things. It seems as though you're trying to distance yourself so that they might care for you more, which if you think about it, are to fairly opposed ideas. If you're going to distance yourself, it should be because it's better for you, and that you'll be happier not dealing with some of the things that come from those relationships.

It also doesn't really need to be hostile. It's your right to take some space when you need it, and that includes not going out of your way to do nice things for them when you feel that it's not reciprocated. It's easy to be taken advantage of when you're trying to strengthen friendships and be kind, but it seems you've already learned to stand up for yourself. Never mistake that as being a bad thing.

I know that loneliness can make you hurt for someone to care. When you go out of your way to do nice things for people in the hopes that they will, it's hard not to fall into a pretty horrible cycle. At a certain point it may turn out that those people aren't really worthy of the effort, and that you deserve better. It seems like you do.

You seem like a good person from what I've read. I hope things start to work out for you, and you feel better soon. Keep the boards in mind if your ever feeling low or lonely  

Azziman

Hey

It sounds like you're going to great lengths to be friendly, but I do wonder if people are simply taking advantage on how nice you are. Of course, it's good to be nice, but letting them get away with things like splitting fuel etc over time means that they realise you won't do anything about it, and so keep taking advantage while you let them. I think you should let go of them - you support them when they need it, but they won't for you - no quality friendship ever works like that, and it's draining you. Better to leave them and find better friends.

Your value as a person isn't dependent on whether a few people like you, or whether you get a boyfriend. Our value as people is internal, based on our morality and what we can offer to the world. To base it on externals like what people think of us means that we tie ourselves to something that is erratic and uncontrolled, and what happens when they leave us? Emotional security comes from within, and it sounds like that's an area you could look to improve, rather than rely on the unpredictability of how people view you at any one point! It's an important part of self-esteem and self-worth - we all have it, but sometimes we can struggle to see it due to experiences. Acknowledge your true values, and hold them tight - they are what will carry you through thick and thin, not some "friends" that seek to take advantage of you any chance they getx

Much love

Former Member

Hey @Past User 
I'm really sorry about what you're going through, this sounds like a very frustrating and lonely situation. To me, you don't sound at all like a terrible person or someone who deserves to be mistreated, so don't be thinking this way about yourself. You should never feel responsible for the bad way people may treat you, if you've been nothing but good to them, this is more of a reflection of them as a person and not you! You seem like a very caring and genuine person, I would be your friend!

You don't have to be friends with people who make you feel this way, never force a friendship or relationship if it is bringing you more unhappiness than happiness - you will meet so many other people who will love you for you and not for what you can do for them. They will be there for you whenever and will prove this to you, don't settle. I agree with @Azziman 's response here, that emotional security comes from within. You should take some time to yourself and try to work on your self confidence and worth, and soon you will come to realise that people who take advantage of you the way your friends seem to be, are not worth your time, as you are worth much much more than this.

I hope everything gets better,  

Former Member

I just wanted to say thank you so much for replying. I really didn't think anyone would. Your replies have all been so lovely and I feel so much less alone knowing you're here. so just thank you very much