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i don’t know

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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    I literallly feel like I can't feel any lower right now 😭😭😭😭😭😭like physically hurts my chest. Sinking feels where just wish i was dead. My family are telling me to get a temporary job until a PSW role comes out that I want as maybe distraction & Cause I owe them money 😭😭😭😭I cant do get a job for a few reasons I don't want to say. There's no way out anymore. I really want to die 😭😭😭😭😭 I feel sooo bad.  And my eating disorder is obviously getting worse which is making me feel worse 😭😭😭😭😭 & I really cant breath properly 😭😭😭😭😭im so sad. Just wish it was later so I can sleep. 

    maybe trigger

    and my family said "you're disappearing again, it's a slow suicide"(not how I see it) and that really made my heart sink for them to say that and see it as that😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔. I'm so selfish. But they probably don't actually care that much. But I believe I am disappearing - not how they mean- I feel more empty and meaningless everyday 


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    Hi @Shaunie

    i can really hear you are feeling low at the moment, and I just wanted to let you know we are here for you. no matter how it may feel at times, you are so strong, you are so important and you really really deserve to feel supported.

    you are absolutely not selfish - you are going through a difficult time and that is not your fault :heart: It sounds like what they said would have been really difficult for you to hear, but I really believe things don’t always have to be that way. There is support for you and things really really can get better :heart:

    Your well-being is always going to be a priority - so much more important than money. If you feel able to speak to your parents some day about why you can’t get a job then that’s great - perhaps writing feelings in a letter will be a little easier. But for now, the main priority is focusing on you and making sure that you are okay :heart:

    It’s really great that you posted here when you are feeling like this - you did the right thing by letting us know :heart:. Whilst you are feeling this way in the moment, I’m wondering how you’d feel about talking to a counsellor - either through The Mix’s services including the live chat or crisis messenger https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support, or if you are under 19 Childline have a live chat and help line too https://childline.org.uk/get-support/.

    take good care, and I really hope you feel better soon :heart: 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Poor thing, it sounds so painful for you :frown: I can really hear how hard things are. I wish I could be there to give you a hug.

    There is a way out and we'll find it. Please try to remember that, even if you can't believe it :heart: Maybe when you feel like it you could explore what options there are. I find talking to myself as if I'm my own therapist on PM has helped me think about it a bit before - you could do something like that, or we'd love to try and help you on here, whatever you're comfortable with. You can and should get through this and you can live a good life. Please take care of yourself :heart:

    It's okay that you don't want to share what the reasons you can't get a job are, just know we're all here if you change your mind.

    It's no surprise what your family said made your heart sink.

    I'm supporting you and sending all my love :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thank yous <3. 

    I realise my self im quite at a low weight now and it's clearly distressing my family. Probably not because they care but because they feel as a parent it's their job and they care about how well they do as a parent, not about me. And tbh feel like they say all the wrong things and say things like "it's not attractive to be that slim" "anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness" like is that encouragement lol & in the kitchen there was a book about anorexia & think it was a book on how to support someone with anorexia but I think they're trying to guilt trip me with things like that cause think they wanted me to see it. Like google exist if wanna know more about it.
     Somethings are just giving me too much anxiety to be able to force myself to eat it. I still want to breath and I want my body to feel as clean as I can.  

    I didnt see rape crisis as I was meant to on Wednesday because of soemthing that happened so I see her wedsday coming instead and then the next week after that like usual and then the 2 weeks apart again. But tbh I really don't want to. Idk why but I just don't feel comfortable to say anything to her & I just don't want to go which is rare cause tbh I used to love going to any appointment just cause I'm lonely & know only been like literally 2 sessions but i still feel like I'm not going to ever be comfortable with her. She constantly speaks about how much I play with my hair bobbles & it's just something I do when anxious but no ones ever comments so much on it & laughs & just feel more anxious. And she talks a lot about coping stuff and just think "yeah I've heard it all before It's not why I came here, I just want to feel clean and less at fault and less alone".  Did tell her I know basically all coping skills but yeah. She's nice and all but just don't feel comfortable &  not sure what meant to do now,

     I just want to say what happened in proper detail to someone. I feel like I never properly have and I'm so alone with it :(. I get not wanting to push someone into saying it as will feel worse but I can't feel much worse being stuck with it myself. Idek what she knows about the abuse
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Haven't left my bed to see rape crisis. There is no point in anything anymore. 
    I am way tooooo upset by this letter that came today 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this is obviously something that will come up on a DBS and though I had one recently and nothing came up and in PSW anything to do with mental health from police they're okay with. But they say that but that's probably not true 😭😭😭😭😭😭
    only because I was tased this time that they're doing this 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    I'm so upset. Why does it sound like I'm the worst person alive 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭



    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I would never hurt anyone else on purpose 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I feel so upset by this omg 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 why need to be cautious coming to my address I never threatened them. I have once hurt a police man that was by accident. They didn't send this 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭makes me sound dangerous and like I don't care about other people's safety 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I'm so upset 😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    And by "repetition of behaviour, action be considered" They mean if I try to kil myself again and ring 999 I will be arrested ?????????😭😭😭😭 i didNt hurt anyone and only myself. I can't ring 999 ever again 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    They're the one who fucking tasered me without any attempt to calm me down. I never showed any voilence towards them before they tasered me. Fuck my life 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    edited August 2019
    @shauine I think they mean a repeat in the behaviour that caused the Ambulance staff to feel unsafe Not a repeat of Sucidal behaviour x  I know it’s hard when you in a Sucidal state but this will be to help protect you aswell as the ambulance ❤️ Sending hugs I understand that was a difficult letter to receive but don’t let it put you off ringing them if you really need then.
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I didn't make them feel unsafe though :'(. When they came I was only hurting myself :'(

    but yeah when i read that letter I was to busy crying to turn it over 

    this what says the other side


    which yeah calmer that it will be removed in 6 months

    should I make an complaint ? It's not nessicaly at all and so upsetting. I shouldn't of even be tasered. Should make a complaint in that in itself cause that was traumatising. I will probs calm down soon and get over it. But rn I'm still upset 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
    I'm so sorry to hear 😥

    I didn't think it was a allowed to taser somone who was a danger to them selves. Did they explain to you why they did it to you because thats quite an extreme step to take by police. We know that you're not a threat to others, I can definitely vouch seeing that I've known you for a few years now ❤️

    If there's any concolation I know a few people who've encountered the police and have still been able to carry on as normal job and education wise. I know that once the ambulance service see you in person, they'll realise that you're harmless x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thank you @Salix_alba_2019 <3

    they kinda explained why was tasered. I needed urgent help from the self harm they could see but they couldnt get to me because of soemthing(trying to stay in guildelines and just not making sense lol) But it still wasn't neasicaly. They didn't give me enough time to stop myself.  I've been threatened with it Before - but never actually happened because the police man had a chat with me after saying he's work with the police for 10 years but never seen someone been so close to being tasered -wasn't even tasered and he was shocked cause it's rare to use force like that now.  I think these police was just fed up that day or soemthing. They was nice to me after but idk

    i think im going to make a complaint to that address. 

    But yeah. There's no way I will be ringing 999 or 111 within the next 6 months. Will die or not die but I ain't having police come to addres cause been flagged that I'm dangerous person. Just dont want that vibe. The police are nice tho but yeah just don't want to feel dangous or have further action because I've harmed myself. Or just won't seek help since repeat of behaiour would be self harm
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Omg I know this is really pathetic but I'm still soooo upset. Al I did was ring the ambulance and had harmed myself. Like what sort of repeat behaviour does that mean - you can be put in prison for harming yourself and police deciding it's okay to tasered someone who's distressed.  Fucked up. 
    Never going to seek help for crisis. Rather not Be arrested
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Do you think I should make an complaint or leave it ? Just the NHS are underfunded and don't have time to be reading complaints. But still they shouldn't use time on concerns about an dangerous person who isn't even dangerous and it's upsetting & should realise. Have MH challenges doesn't mean dangerous 

    the more I think about the more it made sense to why I was tasered. Was for my safety not theirs. But that doesn't mean I'm dangerous and in the letter being tased makes it sound like it's the reason they are doing it
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    That's silly about the letter. You're not dangerous at all and you were in crisis <3 I can hear how upset that made you, it would make me feel so much worse to receive that. It isn't pathetic and you're right, it wasn't necessary. 

    I think complaining is a good idea, are you leaning toward any option?

    How are you feeling at the moment? We're here for you whenever you need to talk, let us know if we can do anything <3
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