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i don’t know

SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
edited August 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
i used to binge eat a lot & i don’t know if that would make my heart go weird. I cant breath a lot. I think food is making my heart go bad and unhealthy. So I'm getting bad thoughts to do with eating which maybe sounds unhealthy in its self. But food is making me hard to breath. Also getting other thoughts

i used to have challenges around my eating and diagnosis of anorexia. I dont now. So this is triggering and feels getting controlling to where I feel getting thinking a lot about weight & I obviously don't want to. But not got eating challenges now.  But then awhile ago when I told my gp that it's mostly after eating it's hard to breath and she said it's cause of my anxiety around food so how do I know if this is actually my eating getting very bad again & mental thing or there is something wrong with my heart. It feels physical not mentalThe more I think about it the more I think it's my heart cause it feels sooo tight like there is shit food covered in it. ..or my lungs 

I feel really shitt and have bad thoughts of dying because everything feels like I'm getting no where in life and I'm sooo fed up of life and my breathing. 😭😭😭😭😭dk how meant to move forward.  


“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Evelyn360Evelyn360 Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    Hi @Shaunie, I'm sorry that you're struggling at the moment.

    When you say you're worried about eating making your heart bad, have you thought about looking up healthy eating plans? Getting the right nutrition is important for your physical health but can also help with mental health. Perhaps looking at ways to make healthy foods might ease some of the worry you have around food "making your heart go weird". It could also be a good distraction as you can make your own meal sizes that you're in control of and dont feel too overwhelming while countering the need to hide excess food that you find is too much for one sitting. 

    It sounds like a hard cycle having your eating effect your breathing and Visa versa. I read that you're struggling with meals at the moment, what about having little things that dont require much effort but are good for your heart such as berries and nuts? 

    Sometimes I find leaving healthy snack around my room and close to my bed like oranges and apples helps when I find it too hard to leave my room but dont want to snack on unhealthy things. Perhaps you could try having little amounts when you drink? 

    It's also worth noting that anxiety can manifest in different ways for everyone and sometimes that can be physically. It could be that both you and your gp are right, it is anxiety that you're experiencing and it shows itself through your worries about your health and heart. 

    I hope you feel better soon  <3
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    Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular

    Hi @Shaunie

    I'm sorry to hear this - it sounds like a horrible feeling but I'm glad you've come on here for help <3


    Mind has some ideas/tips around self-care if you're having problems eating:

    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/about-eating-problems/#.XVJz4U1YaUk

    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/food-and-mood/healthy-eating-tips/#.XVJ0O01YaUk


    Maybe you could see if anything on these helps you out?


    If I have a big meal/unhealthy food I often feel sluggish so I try to avoid them generally - but when I do have this feeling, I tend to go out for a short walk and get some fresh air. I think physical activity can really counter-balance the unhealthy food you eat. So that is my personal tip :)


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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Everything is very bad. They're forcing me to have toxins/food. My heart is getting ruined very slowly
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    I'm already dirty. How can I be clean with shit fucking food. Why does no give a fucking shit. I cant breath 😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    They're trying to make me have a life that's going to make me feel worse. Hence why making it worse for me to breath. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    In v bad place mentally  Think going to keep distance from boards. Say that but too attached. Will keep in guidelines obviously  but just everything bad 

    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Believe one side of my brain more 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Why is it so hard to breath 😭is it cause they gave me bad food
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    My aim is to just not go back to hospital. how awful. Don't believe it's cause I've got a fatty heart. Not fucking deluded I kno when I can't breath. My stomach also feels more fatter towards my upper part/ribs part. That's cause that's where all the bad food has gone. Triggering ED thoughts. They're all making me eat too much now
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Can't speak about tuesday cause I know if I start i could accidently say a bit too much detail Plus don't think would help me. ( didn't try to kill my self though) so I just will not start by say any of it.  Except ended up at hospital & it was an awful day

    still feeling awful
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Ok
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
    edited August 2019
    Shaunie said:
    Omg I ate unsafe food and I can still breath 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 i am using Breath2Relax app. You can change how fast or slow you do the breathing. 
    YESSSSSS @Shaunie!!! ❤️
    *does little celebratory dance*
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm really sorry you were in hospital and that it was an awful day. If you want to talk about Tuesday at any point, my inbox is always open.

    The not being able to breathe properly sounds so horrid. I'm really glad to hear you could still breathe after eating earlier :smile:

    How are you feeling now? :heart:
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @Salix_alba_2019 & @Kathleen07

    This is going to be really annoying to read cause it sounds like I'm not trying hard enough. But I feel really bad now :/. I think I still have eating disorder. Probs already knew that before me lol.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I didn't find that annoying to read at all Shaunie :heart:
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. My family said , they don't want to watch me get more thin everyday again and said they take me back to hospital and ask them to put the feeding tube on me if I don't eat what they give me cause already not good weight & that I'd put the weight on one way or another so is pointless. But they can't force me into hospital tho- can they? I honestly just want to breath properly :'( but they're thinking I'm doing it on purpose and using my breathing as an excuse not to eat
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I don't think they could force you into hospital unless you were at a dangerous weight and the doctors agreed it would be a good idea. I don't know for sure though. It must feel crap that they don't believe you :heart:
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    Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
    You're not annoying at all beleive me, my boyfriend takes that number spot lmao

    You're trying and we see that you're trying ❤️ Eating disorders are so complex and our families worry because they just want to help even though they might not know how best to help despite their intentions 😥

    Have you tried sitting them down and just explaining to them how you're feeling and where all this is coming from so that they have a better idea of what's going on for you and how you've been feeling? Some times planing things ahead and having a sit down conversation can better help get the message through. 

    I hope you feel a bit better today shaunie, sending super positive kick ass vibes ❤️

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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thank you. <3 I do try to tell them. & I told them the doctors used to tell me they don't necessarily expect full recovery of diagnosis of anorexia from me and it's okay if I stay underweight and don't eat as much as recommended sometimes. Or do whatever. Cause sometimes that's just better and a way of coping as long as not very unhealthy.  I try to tell this to my family that and like literally they did not believe it - but honestly is what I was told. & it makes sense. Just like they don't stop people self harming anymore (if safe).  They're making me eat more than they do on christmas and it's  just like my stomach is too small. It's just like can we go back to how was before this week happened:'(.and the more the make a big deal out of it the more my head does and just like leave me alone please & stop feeding me unhealthy food to fatten me up. But can't say all of that to them otherwise maybe rude
    and omg they go like "what you eat affects your mood" and then they give me chocolates it's  like um okay hun def going to feel tired & run down eating shit. Eat shit will feel shit
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    So i was on Twitter & Beat had a post about taking part in their research for those who had /have diagnosis of anorexia about social situations. So emailed them to say would be interested in taking part. Warned me about the questions. Filling it out now and yeah triggered myself:/
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Really struggling to breath 

    I took a break from the questionnaire. Didn't realise it would ask me so many questions about how my eating challenges & weight have been within the last 28 days. I thought it was just as general questions and then ask about positive and negative social situations 😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    RileyRiley Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Shaunie I hope you're not feeling too rough today. It sounds like that questionnaire you're taking is really putting you through the ringer. Remember that it's always okay to step away from things that upset or trigger you if that's what you want. Even if what you're doing seems important your own personal safety should come first.

    Is there anything you do when you're upset or triggered to help take your mind off of things? You might want to consider just taking some time to distract yourself with something little and enjoyable. Trying to stay calm when you're upset can be difficult for a lot of people so it's understandable if you're struggling at the moment. <3
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    I really want to die
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    PTW 


    I was dependant on laxatives awhile ago from eating challenges. I slowlyyyy came off them. Really regretted taking them in the first place.  Nearly completly but still had to take them every once in a while. Which yeah - then in mind set of wanting to restrict and seeing you're taking laxatives for actual reasons makes me want to use them for bad reasons even tho I know my rational part of my head is like "you don't even lose actual weight from it and you become independent which will mean you'd actually gain weight in the end & waste money" for a temperapy piece of mind of feeling clean, empty and healthy and less dirty. I took them again for wrong reasons. Now I know this is going to go bad cause I've been here before but I'm just want to feel clean inside and less dirty. I'm trying to eating healthy balanced stuff instead to feel clean
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    It's painful to know you want to die. Do you want to talk about it?

    You're doing really well with trying to eat healthy stuff instead. How's that been working out for you?

    It's your decision whether to take laxatives but you can overcome this :heart:
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    I've reached my goal weight had in mind and I'm thinking if I make a new one maybe it will distract me from my suicidal thought. - think about how to avoid food all the time - or think about how to die. I mean which one lol 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Shaunie said:
    I've reached my goal weight had in mind and I'm thinking if I make a new one maybe it will distract me from my suicidal thought. - think about how to avoid food all the time - or think about how to die. I mean which one lol 
    Done this before when anorexia was v bad. I couldn't get to my goal weight cause it kept moving lower& went to hospital so ruined it  then I wanted to die twice as much. So looks like shit life either way. 

    :'(. I don't want to be alive :'(. Not even food will distract me from that
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    I have 2 pound to last me 2 weeks & I still owe my family money. Atleast I cant spend it on food. Why is life so shit

    idk how much longer i can keep myself safe (I'm safe right now I mean in general I really want to die & dk how much longer I can cope)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I feel the same - it's so horrible to want to die and not know much longer you can cope :frown:

    I'm really glad you're alive. You're such a valued, helpful and important person in the world. Things can get better. I know it might not seem like that in any way at all, but I truly believe in you and that there's hope.

    That sucks about the money.

    I understand wanting to think about food to distract yourself from thoughts of death and I'm sorry you don't want to be alive. Sending you hugs :heart:
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