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ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
Im sad. 

Hate myself ,trauma really affects me. 

I feel that could - one day my emotional pain is gunna over ride my survival instincts & I'll just do a way thats completly reliable. Tbh i think sometimes I've cried for help & didnt actually wanna die but these thoughts & feelings feel different & feel veryy bad& that's probably all I should say about that. But can assume I'm safe & not in crisis otherwise wouldn't be posting.  I'm just really hopeless & i don’t know how to cope feeling so bad or how much longer will be able to cope. 

I was forced to wee on someone few years ago & im really struggling around few things to do with wee- so daily struggle. But doubt anyone wants to listen to that so have to keep to myself to avoid making other people feel disgusted too. Maybe already disgusted ,sorry:/
Theres no way out. & I'm so fed up:'(:'( it's hard to challenge my thoughts.dont think my life's gunna ever improve so Dk what to do anymore. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
Kathleen07Lucy307Butterfly23
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Comments

  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,897 Postholic
    I can really see how much you're hurting and struggling :frown: It sounds like you're feeling really hopeless. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    It's understandable you don't feel able to cope.

    There is a way out, your life truly will improve. I see endless strength in you to get through this and your life has so much worth. You can find happiness and fulfilment, even if it doesn't feel like that in any way. I don't want to bombard you, but if you need some encouragment or tips or anything, please just let me know :heart:

    It's sad to know you hate yourself because I think of you as a great person. Was it the trauma that's made you feel that way? Or is it unrelated?

    Shaunie said:
    I was forced to wee on someone few years ago & im really struggling around few things to do with wee- so daily struggle. But doubt anyone wants to listen to that so have to keep to myself to avoid making other people feel disgusted too. Maybe already disgusted ,sorry:/
    I'm not disgusted at all, you don't have to handle it alone. We're here to listen if you want to talk about this some more.

    Sending loving hugs as always :heart:
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    Cause wanna leave and escape from my dirty body :'(. Trapped in body and hell(earth).  always go into shower wishing to feel clean after but doesn't happen. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 694 Incredible Poster
    Sending you so much love @Shaunie

    Can really hear the pain you're feeling. I don't feel disgusted by you and honestly don't think you are dirty at all. I understand you feel that way about yourself, but wish you could see it from an outsider's perspective - there's nothing disgusting/dirty/negative about you. I wonder if someone close to you went through the same thing... I doubt you'd use any of the words you use about yourself? You are so supportive of other people here and I hope you could, at some point, think about extending some of that same kindness to yourself?

    Am really proud of the progress you've made (progress isn't linear) - the journey you've been on, and studying AND qualifying as a peer support worker is so impressive. You could have taken the easy option and carried on with what you are doing before, I think it takes serious strength to make changes like you did. You are strong enough to get through this, and we're all here for you, please carry on talking and reaching out for the support you need.

    Really hope we can help you feel a bit better. <3<3
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    Evelyn360Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    Thank yous. <3

    im home alone tomorrow. Probably will harm myself like I do most days but let's hope doesn't get out of control if by myself. But I'm planning to ring Maytree tomorrow 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,897 Postholic
    Stay safe, phoning Maytree sounds like a good idea xx 
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 817 Incredible Poster
    Hey Shaunie,

    Sending so many hugs your way, because I know how much you are struggling at the moment.  It's understandable that trauma is really affecting you as what you went through sounds frightening and I cant imagine how it feels to have to relive that through memories everyday. 

    In no way do we feel disgusted or think that you are dirty, in my opinion the fact that you have opened up here shows immense strength and i'm so proud of you for that.  <3

    It can be horrible if you feel like you don't know what to do anymore, but I think that calling Maytree is a good idea and remember that you are always welcome to talk on the boards. 

    Butterfly x


  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 133 The Mix convert
    As everyone else has said, I don't think you're at all disgusting or dirty. What happened to you wasn't your choice, and noone should judge you for it.

    I also wanted to touch on what you mentioned in your other thread about phoning the GP for mental health-you don't need to explain what's going on to the receptionist (if you don't want to), usually just saying mental health is enough. It's different for every doctors, but you should get seen quickly. Also, even if there's nothing you feel your GP could do, sometimes just seeing them can be helpful. I have a monthly appointment with my GP just to check in and see how I'm doing. They might be able to help with your difficulties swallowing pills, if that's something you'd feel helpful

    How're things going today Shaunie? Sending love and support <3
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    Thank you. Not sure atm. Am home alone now and not sure what to do. I feel really bad. Can't bring myself to ring Maytree now. Will try again tho. Just scared. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07Butterfly23
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 817 Incredible Poster
    I hope you manage to ring Maytree Shaunie, you are doing so so well!  <3
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    There's no point in anything in life
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07Butterfly23dogmad20
  • dogmad20dogmad20 Posts: 152 Extreme Poster
    @Shaunie sorry you feel this way hugs to you 
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    I feel so bad, & everything I type I delete but just sad😭😭😭😭(not in a crisis
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Butterfly23Mia_moo
  • Mia_mooMia_moo Posts: 146 The Mix convert
    @Shaunie I'm sorry you feel like this ☹️ It's horrible feeling. I think sometimes we all type or write whatever we want to say and go on a big rant and then delete it, we just need to vent. Hopefully talking here can make you feel less lonely through this time ❤️
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    I have rapist wee all under my skin. It makes me wanna harm myself( but am safe)
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 134 Super Moderator
    Hey @Shaunie

    Just want to reiterate because it's true that I do not think what you did was in any way disgusting and the fact you have come so far and talked so openly about it shows you are not letting it defeat you 💪

    I also think it's very special how many people have commented on this post showing their solidarity and support. We care about you 💚

    Sometimes it might be frustrating to have to continue talking about how you're feeling every day. Have you found helping other people, (perhaps a friend, family member, or someone you interact with at work) a good way to get yourself out of your own head a little bit? 

    I hope today is going as well as it can. Try and maintain this incredible strength of yours 🌠
    Salix_alba_2019dogmad20Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    Thank you. I'm having too many thoughts that's hard to make sense of them. I keep writing them down but i don't think would make sense. I feel like if I was to get over what happened I would if by now so why haven't I & surely won't ever
     I feel really confused. I tell myself things that I originally know are not true but then I tell myself things so many times and I think it's cause I feel dirty. but then I'm like wellllll science would tell me otherwise. Then I'm like welll is my brain reading that because it wants to read that or does that happen. Or do dirty words mean something different to other people. No one else is dirty.  And I'm really confused and wanna die. :'( I cant stop the thoughts. It's like if youve ever thought of something that's probably impossible but then you're like "well who knows.... there's a chance" even tho it's just unlikely.
    I also feel like he could of came round over night at some point to put cameras in the toilet and I can't see it. But I have cover up every hole or gap in the toilet and said to my sister that I think it's cause spiders come out of there lol. Eventho I've literally covered up screw driver things incase it's hidden as one of them & that's also something I know is unlikely but still think & just a lot of thoughts that feel constant but most are always been too shameful to admit and some don't think will eveer

    i went out to get things I can harm myself with (safely) and i also brought weighing scales to see if I'm any cleaner / lighter but no I'm fatter lol. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    I feel awful.  How do You keep yourself safe
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    Nothing I'm a coward
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,897 Postholic
    This is a different situation, but it took me a good two and a half years or so for me to recover from Abby's (my guinea pig) death. I didn't think the disturbing images and fear of things that reminded me of it would ever leave. But they mostly did. Going through something traumatic can take a long time to recover from, but it does get easier, especially with the right help :heart:

    It sounds like you have really conflicted thoughts. Those must feel really hard for you. The part of your brain that says you're not dirty is the right one.

    Shaunie said:
    I feel awful.  How do You keep yourself safe
    I really sympathise Shaunie, I wish I could take it away for you :disappointed: As for keeping yourself safe, I've put some thoughts under the spoiler. If you feel really unsafe at any point though, please call 999. You're gonna get through this and the world needs you :heart:

    You don't have to make a decision today. Tell yourself that the option of suicide will still be there at any time.
    Remember that even when they're long-lasting, suicidal feelings are often impulsive. It's a moment that can't be undone.
    Try to focus on getting through the present. Try not to think too much about the future. Just take care of yourself and focus on coping today.
    Make a list of reasons to stay alive for now. For you it could be Teddy, or us here who really don't want to lose you, etc.
    Go somewhere safe. Go somewhere with people, with nothing to hurt yourself with.



  • dogmad20dogmad20 Posts: 152 Extreme Poster
    @Shaunie sorry to hear this sending you lots of hugs 
    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    Thank you. But I can't even breath properly & jm reallly fed up of that now & nothing helping. It's constant so cant be anxiety attacks & nothing physical so no sulotion to it :'( it doesn't seem to be going away this time. It usually disappears after a few weeks but it's not. I think I have fat on my heart. I wish i was dead 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07Butterfly23
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 817 Incredible Poster
    Hello 💓

    It sounds horrible to be finding it hard
    to breathe quite often, can imagine it’s frustrating also. I doubt that it’s because you have fat on your heart, have you mentioned it to your doctor since last time when it happened? 

    Butterfly x
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 730 Incredible Poster
    Hey shaunie,

    dont know if this will reassure you but usually people people who have fat around their heart are overweight and obese and also older, which I’m aware you are not. Also, fat itself would not cause your symptoms. If you did have it (which is unlikely) it is more linked with scarring on the atrium which can lead to atrial fibrillation which is where the atria (upper chambers of the heart) contract quickly. I know you have seen the GP and if that was an issue they would have picked up on it. 

    I know you dont think it is anxiety - but when I was experiencing constant breathlessness I thought the same thing - that it can’t be an anxiety attack because it’s not ending.... but then it was explained to me that sometimes when our anxiety is severe we can experience “waves” of panic attacks, so it feels like it’s just constant but actually it is multiple attacks that keep happening and are likely to be prolonged because of your thought processes and panic when you can’t breath (don’t get me wrong it’s completely understandable!) 

    anyway i I don’t know if any of this helps at all but I thought maybe understanding how ur body works a bit more may help reassure you 

    hugs
    x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    Thank you @Butterfly23 &. @Jellyelephant

    my breathing does get better when distracted so that's only reason I sometimes think anxiety but even physical can do that I guess. I think may see my gp. I know she will say anxiety. Then I'll just say how bad I'm feeling mentally from it & everything because for some reason I don't wanna ring to make appointment for my mental health feels less important than not being able to breath. Cause like coward go die now then. 

    I shouldnt of brought weighing scales again it's making my eating disorder thoughts worse.

    having bad thoughts of hurting myself 
    & seeing into future of how I will still be feeling like this & Feeling hopeless and thinking of dying  but why haven't I done it yet And I'm confused.why am I here seeking help if wanna die. Like who would take me seriously. I feel seriously want it to stop though. I keep comparing my life to others too and just thinking well my life is def not worthy. I feel sometimes I'm just waiting for a time where I'm in my very impulsive mood where by myself & I don't care how much my self harm hurts and then - I'll just do it. Sometimes feel impulsive and think "want to leave  now" but I'm always with family so can't. I do feel bad all the time but sometimes feel lot worse than others to where would hurt myself but yeah that stil doesn't mean I have EUPD- people with diagnosis of depression obviously too gets to points where feel extra bad and that's why attempt. So yeah just clarfliy what meant there. Cause yeah not got bpd Feel like if I was to feel that bad by myself now then something would happen & die. But I don't think anyone cares & im with family I'm just thinking of how safe I'll be in future for when feel extra bad
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    dogmad20Mia_moo
  • dogmad20dogmad20 Posts: 152 Extreme Poster
    @Shaunie sorry to hear this sending you lots of hugs 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    I'm not going to eat anything while I can't breath eating makes it worse so I'm just not going to. This is gunna cause lot of shit in family but they can't make me eat otherwise I'm literally not going to be able to breath after. Im sure the conversations will move on quickly knowing they cant make me eat. They can tell I can't breath properly anyway. I can barely breath as it is right now and food makes it worse cause something must happen to it. I do have anxiety around food but It actually feels like food clogs up something in my chest & awful feeling :'( 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Mia_moo
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    What do i do. I'm hungry and haven't eaten much yesterday either. I'm not being overdramatic like every 10 mins I'm getting really tight chest where I feel suffocated so I have to sit up right to try to take deep breath and like I have to do it that deep that I have to put a lot of pressure on my arms if makes sense? So now my shoulders hurt when I deep breath and it's getting harder 😭 and it's not always the first deep breath that works. Then it happens after another 10 mins. Does that sound familiar to anyone ? My heart rate isn't going fast. Well guess I'm just not having enough oxgyen. I wanted to make appointment with my gp this morning but was too late now all weekend sufferings and I really feel like killing myself cause I'm so frustrated that this won't improve. I can't feel tight chest again
    I have nothing to distract myself with 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Butterfly23Millie2787Mia_moo
  • GreenTeaGreenTea The best. The moonPosts: 1,525 Postholic
    If it's as bad as you are saying ring 111. 
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,475 Mega Poster
    You should be able to ring 111 and get a Out of hours GP appointment over the weekend if you need it xx
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2019
    I've rang 111 for This before - tell me to go walk in centre. The walk in centre do all their checks to tell me it's panic attacks and to see my gp when I can. So it's pointless to ring 111 but thanks. I've also rang my gp to ask for out of hours before. They always say they have no spaces left but thanks. Just probs gunna die from not breathing or not being able to eat 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
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