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PTW
Siena
Posts: 15,680 Skive's The Limit
Im sad.
Hate myself ,trauma really affects me.
I feel that could - one day my emotional pain is gunna over ride my survival instincts & I'll just do a way thats completly reliable. Tbh i think sometimes I've cried for help & didnt actually wanna die but these thoughts & feelings feel different & feel veryy bad& that's probably all I should say about that. But can assume I'm safe & not in crisis otherwise wouldn't be posting. I'm just really hopeless & i don’t know how to cope feeling so bad or how much longer will be able to cope.
I was forced to wee on someone few years ago & im really struggling around few things to do with wee- so daily struggle. But doubt anyone wants to listen to that so have to keep to myself to avoid making other people feel disgusted too. Maybe already disgusted ,sorry:/
Theres no way out. & I'm so fed up:'(:'( it's hard to challenge my thoughts.dont think my life's gunna ever improve so Dk what to do anymore. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Hate myself ,trauma really affects me.
I feel that could - one day my emotional pain is gunna over ride my survival instincts & I'll just do a way thats completly reliable. Tbh i think sometimes I've cried for help & didnt actually wanna die but these thoughts & feelings feel different & feel veryy bad& that's probably all I should say about that. But can assume I'm safe & not in crisis otherwise wouldn't be posting. I'm just really hopeless & i don’t know how to cope feeling so bad or how much longer will be able to cope.
I was forced to wee on someone few years ago & im really struggling around few things to do with wee- so daily struggle. But doubt anyone wants to listen to that so have to keep to myself to avoid making other people feel disgusted too. Maybe already disgusted ,sorry:/
Theres no way out. & I'm so fed up:'(:'( it's hard to challenge my thoughts.dont think my life's gunna ever improve so Dk what to do anymore. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Can really hear the pain you're feeling. I don't feel disgusted by you and honestly don't think you are dirty at all. I understand you feel that way about yourself, but wish you could see it from an outsider's perspective - there's nothing disgusting/dirty/negative about you. I wonder if someone close to you went through the same thing... I doubt you'd use any of the words you use about yourself? You are so supportive of other people here and I hope you could, at some point, think about extending some of that same kindness to yourself?
Am really proud of the progress you've made (progress isn't linear) - the journey you've been on, and studying AND qualifying as a peer support worker is so impressive. You could have taken the easy option and carried on with what you are doing before, I think it takes serious strength to make changes like you did. You are strong enough to get through this, and we're all here for you, please carry on talking and reaching out for the support you need.
Really hope we can help you feel a bit better.
im home alone tomorrow. Probably will harm myself like I do most days but let's hope doesn't get out of control if by myself. But I'm planning to ring Maytree tomorrow
Sending so many hugs your way, because I know how much you are struggling at the moment. It's understandable that trauma is really affecting you as what you went through sounds frightening and I cant imagine how it feels to have to relive that through memories everyday.
In no way do we feel disgusted or think that you are dirty, in my opinion the fact that you have opened up here shows immense strength and i'm so proud of you for that.
It can be horrible if you feel like you don't know what to do anymore, but I think that calling Maytree is a good idea and remember that you are always welcome to talk on the boards.
Butterfly x
I also wanted to touch on what you mentioned in your other thread about phoning the GP for mental health-you don't need to explain what's going on to the receptionist (if you don't want to), usually just saying mental health is enough. It's different for every doctors, but you should get seen quickly. Also, even if there's nothing you feel your GP could do, sometimes just seeing them can be helpful. I have a monthly appointment with my GP just to check in and see how I'm doing. They might be able to help with your difficulties swallowing pills, if that's something you'd feel helpful
How're things going today Shaunie? Sending love and support
Just want to reiterate because it's true that I do not think what you did was in any way disgusting and the fact you have come so far and talked so openly about it shows you are not letting it defeat you 💪
I also think it's very special how many people have commented on this post showing their solidarity and support. We care about you 💚
Sometimes it might be frustrating to have to continue talking about how you're feeling every day. Have you found helping other people, (perhaps a friend, family member, or someone you interact with at work) a good way to get yourself out of your own head a little bit?
I hope today is going as well as it can. Try and maintain this incredible strength of yours 🌠
I feel really confused. I tell myself things that I originally know are not true but then I tell myself things so many times and I think it's cause I feel dirty. but then I'm like wellllll science would tell me otherwise. Then I'm like welll is my brain reading that because it wants to read that or does that happen. Or do dirty words mean something different to other people. No one else is dirty. And I'm really confused and wanna die. I cant stop the thoughts. It's like if youve ever thought of something that's probably impossible but then you're like "well who knows.... there's a chance" even tho it's just unlikely.
I also feel like he could of came round over night at some point to put cameras in the toilet and I can't see it. But I have cover up every hole or gap in the toilet and said to my sister that I think it's cause spiders come out of there lol. Eventho I've literally covered up screw driver things incase it's hidden as one of them & that's also something I know is unlikely but still think & just a lot of thoughts that feel constant but most are always been too shameful to admit and some don't think will eveer
i went out to get things I can harm myself with (safely) and i also brought weighing scales to see if I'm any cleaner / lighter but no I'm fatter lol.
It sounds horrible to be finding it hard
to breathe quite often, can imagine it’s frustrating also. I doubt that it’s because you have fat on your heart, have you mentioned it to your doctor since last time when it happened?
Butterfly x
dont know if this will reassure you but usually people people who have fat around their heart are overweight and obese and also older, which I’m aware you are not. Also, fat itself would not cause your symptoms. If you did have it (which is unlikely) it is more linked with scarring on the atrium which can lead to atrial fibrillation which is where the atria (upper chambers of the heart) contract quickly. I know you have seen the GP and if that was an issue they would have picked up on it.
I know you dont think it is anxiety - but when I was experiencing constant breathlessness I thought the same thing - that it can’t be an anxiety attack because it’s not ending.... but then it was explained to me that sometimes when our anxiety is severe we can experience “waves” of panic attacks, so it feels like it’s just constant but actually it is multiple attacks that keep happening and are likely to be prolonged because of your thought processes and panic when you can’t breath (don’t get me wrong it’s completely understandable!)
anyway i I don’t know if any of this helps at all but I thought maybe understanding how ur body works a bit more may help reassure you
hugs
x
my breathing does get better when distracted so that's only reason I sometimes think anxiety but even physical can do that I guess. I think may see my gp. I know she will say anxiety. Then I'll just say how bad I'm feeling mentally from it & everything because for some reason I don't wanna ring to make appointment for my mental health feels less important than not being able to breath. Cause like coward go die now then.
I shouldnt of brought weighing scales again it's making my eating disorder thoughts worse.
having bad thoughts of hurting myself
& seeing into future of how I will still be feeling like this & Feeling hopeless and thinking of dying but why haven't I done it yet And I'm confused.why am I here seeking help if wanna die. Like who would take me seriously. I feel seriously want it to stop though. I keep comparing my life to others too and just thinking well my life is def not worthy. I feel sometimes I'm just waiting for a time where I'm in my very impulsive mood where by myself & I don't care how much my self harm hurts and then - I'll just do it. Sometimes feel impulsive and think "want to leave now" but I'm always with family so can't. I do feel bad all the time but sometimes feel lot worse than others to where would hurt myself but yeah that stil doesn't mean I have EUPD- people with diagnosis of depression obviously too gets to points where feel extra bad and that's why attempt. So yeah just clarfliy what meant there. Cause yeah not got bpd Feel like if I was to feel that bad by myself now then something would happen & die. But I don't think anyone cares & im with family I'm just thinking of how safe I'll be in future for when feel extra bad
I have nothing to distract myself with