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I'd be better off dead...

Zoroark18Zoroark18 England. Posts: 9 Newbie
edited July 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
I dont know why I bother anymore. No one cares. They all pretend that itll be okay, but its not. Everytime I try and get help, I call out, they shut the door right in my face. I just dont see the point in living anymore...

Im on antidepressants and in counselling, but it doesn't seem to be helping, at all. I still get the suicidal thoughts, only they're getting stronger again but I just can't go through with it, yet I wish I could. 

People pretend that they care, but they don't. They don't care at all. My father pretends everythings alright. My mom gets drunk and goes out with her boyfriend. My friends pretend everythings alright, even though they know its not. My family don't care at all. Theres only one person who actually cares and shes lives in another country. I sometimes wanna run away and be with her. Ive looked at plane tickets and all. 

I just dont know what to do. Ive tried help lines, my counselling isnt helping that much, i tried to get my anitdepressants upped, but they ignored me. Im just at a loss and i dont see the point in continuing anymore...

[methods removed by moderator]
animallover20ShaunieEd_Butterfly23

Comments

  • animallover20animallover20 Posts: 35 Boards Initiate
    Sorry to hear you are going though  this awful your post made me tearful again hope you can get some support here or go and see your gp again and urge your gp to help you
    Zoroark18Butterfly23
  • Ed_Ed_ Posts: 412 Community Manager
    Hey @Zoroark18

    Sounds like a lot for you to deal with at the moment, hope you are doing okay :3 You've done really well to reach out here to talk through how you are feeling, particularly when these sound like they are very strong and present thoughts at the moment. We are all here for you. 

    How have you been finding the counselling so far? Sometimes it can be that it takes time for this to make a difference, and it can be the case that it makes things feel worse initially, as counselling is often a space where you are facing these difficult experiences/feelings face on. Perhaps if this is the case, you could try and tell your counsellor that it has been like this, that way they may be able to make some changes to their approach, or equally may know some ways of riding through this period of the counselling. I'm sure others on here will have ideas of how to share these feelings with a counsellor :)

    It sounds as though you feel quite lonely with how things are for you at the moment, where perhaps people either don't notice or choose to ignore how you are feeling, is that right? It's great that you have someone, even if they are in another country. What in particular do they do that makes you feel cared for by them? Perhaps there may be a way of communicating this to other people that you know around what you need from them or equally of finding other ways of getting more support like this. You truly deserve to reach a point where you don't feel alone with all this :3

    There are a few places you could try that can provide support when feeling in crisis, in particular:


    Take care and stay strong,

    Ed

    "Such is the way of the world, you can never know, Just where to put all your faith, And how will it grow. Gonna rise up, Burning black holes in dark memories, Gonna rise up, Turning mistakes into gold" Eddie Vedder
    Zoroark18Butterfly23
  • Zoroark18Zoroark18 England. Posts: 9 Newbie
    @animallover20 Thank you. Im hoping my GP can do something, but they seem very off getting me upped. They more want to take me off the antidepressants all together. 

    And @Ed_, thank you. Counselling has been a mix. Its been partly useful, but also not. Mu counsellor knows about moms drinking and has given me a few methods to try and help, but the problem is all these methods are based at home, no where else. I dont really have the choice to do that with my counsellor. I see her once every 2 weeks for about an hour and shes only there temporary, so I'll have to start again anyway, thats if they keep me on as they kinda want to remove me too. 

    Ive spoke to my counsellor about this, but she hasnt helped much. Ill mention it at the next meeting - next friday - and see what she says. 

    Yes thats right. People seem to be more set on ignoring who I am, or being more "cheer up" line of it. This just makes me feel worse... Well, she goes through the same as me. Shes on antidepressants (much higher), shes self-harmed in the past, shes been in psychiatric hospitals a lot. She just seems to get me more. She is around 10 years older than me and is more like a big sister. She just really gets me and helps me with trying to get through all of this. Mom, my counsellor and my family don't really like that I'm this close to her, or that I have a lot of online friends I confide more into.

    Hmm, thats possible. And thank you.

    I use the mix helpline quite a lot, but thank you for the helplines. Ill add them to the list. 

    Thank you both, 

    Chloe.
    Butterfly23
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 817 Trailblazer
    Hey,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling a lot at the moment, it is really good that you have reached out to use for support and that you have also used some other services available to you  <3 You seem very strong and determined, which is amazing.

    I understand that it can be really hard when people don't take us seriously and maybe don't realise how bad we are feeling, it sounds really isolating for you. :(

    I hope that you stick with the counselling, and give it a little longer but I do also think maybe seeing your GP could provide you with some more support and services that may be appropriate for you  <3

    Butterfly x
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