My boyfriend always wants sex and I don’t, can you help?

BillieTheBot

My boyfriend always wants sex and I don’t, can you help?

What do you do if your boyfriend always wants sex and you don't? The Mix asks an expert

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Former Member

Well I'm in the same boat as you hun lol I could have literally written this myself. I just had the same thing happen and it's been going on for years! We have it about twice a week, that's plenty! But it's not enjoyable and I prefer porn more.

But still I drop my drawers to please him and he wants it meeeeee.. he thinks it's okay to shove his hand down my pants and when I tell him to get the f**k out of there he says "ya Rude" or "ugh you never give it to me" complete lie. He's a Billy bulls***ter!! Anyways I typed into Google "I refuse him sex and he gets angry" this came up lol. The response you had above although it was informative and a good use of words I don't believe communication is the only way to get past it. Especially when you have such a stubborn fu**er on your hands lol

Its better just to roll over tell him to f**k off and let him go to sleep in a mood lol.. then tell him he's a manipulating ass the next day. Watch ya porn and carry on that way.. or.. give in.. or dump him and find someone new.. or talk? But it'll be like talking to a brick wall I betchya!

If anyone has any other ideas feel free to drop them here so I can come back in 3 years and see if anyone's updated me on this lmao. Bound to be a solution for stubborn arses xxx

Maisy

Hey @kikila

 

Sorry to hear you are in the same boat and that it’s been going on for years.

 

It sounds like you feel you are having sex that you don’t really like, just to please your partner. And when you refuse, your partner gets angry and feels that it’s okay to touch you sexually without your consent. This sounds unhealthy and you might want to consider checking out our ‘How to spot unhealthy behaviour in the bedroom’ article here: https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/how-to-spot-unhealthy-behaviour-in-the-bedroom-22935.html

 

Communication is often helpful, more so when a partner doesn’t realise that what they are doing is off-putting. However, if you’ve tried talking to your partner about his behaviour and find that he gets defensive and hostile, it can be difficult to see any benefit to communicating. The article suggests that “If he remains defensive and argumentative about things it may be unlikely that you’ll find any kind of compromise. If this is the case, you may need to decide if you’re prepared to put up with things as they are.”

 

If you’d like to get more support, feel free to sign up to our discussion boards https://community.themix.org.uk/ and if you’re under 25 and in the UK, you can talk to our team directly https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team Alternatively, there’s always RAINN https://www.rainn.org/

 

Take care  

Former Member

I have a very similar situation. My partner does nothing but try to plan sex, and it’s worse as he thinks I’m stupid and I don’t know he isn’t trying to organise the time and place for it. Which really is such a turn off as it’s never anything romantic, it’s just “aw why don’t u drive 10+ miles to wait with me whilst I shower then we will go back to your house”. Yet we’ve been arguing none stop about it lately and I’m really not turned on by this. Especially not when he thinks saying “I’ve got something you can lick” when I sip a drink, is something that turns me on. All throughout the day he’s making sex comments and it just doesn’t do anything for me, infact it turns me right off. I’ve told him, if he leaves me be and doesn’t mention it, he’ll find that I will make myself towards him when I feel comfortable. But one day goes by and he is dropping hints again. It causes me to get seriously ratty and I seem to be turning him down 2+ times a day as why would I want it with someone I’m arguing with constantly. Especially when he doesn’t listen to my advice on what to do.

Maisy

Hi @Gabbsx

Sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. As the article states, communication is the key. It sounds like your partner tries to plan sex and thinks that you are unaware of this, and equally, you aren't interested in this approach and would perhaps prefer something more romantic. It also sounds like you both have been arguing about this as well as the sexual comments, which you don't appreciate. 

It's good that you've told him the comments and plans for sex aren't doing it for you and in fact is pushing you away more. I'm wondering if you could help things along by giving examples of what you would prefer instead? Sometimes when someone has a habit of doing or saying things, it can be hard to do things differently so maybe offering alternatives as to what you would prefer might help. 

You might also want to see if couples counselling is an option. Relate https://www.relate.org.uk/ can help with communication and sexual issues, if that's of interest to you and your partner. Alternatively, you are free to use our discussion boards https://community.themix.org.uk/ and if you are under 25, you can also contact our team directly https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team

Former Member

Hello I’m in a real pickle and I need help. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Occasionally we fight , but we always find a way to resolve it. Until recently, we’ve been fighting the same fight over and over again. Each time I feel like he doesn’t understand me. We have a good relationship in all aspects expect for sex.I’m not in the mood to have sex all the time. On average we have sex 3 times a week but he wants more. This is going to sound horrible, but sometimes when we have sex I look off into the distance and I don’t feel anything. He senses that I don’t want to have sex and it makes him feel disgusting when I reject him. Then we fight and I try to explain to him that I love and appreciate him and that sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship. He always tells me he needs sex in order to know that I love and desire him. After fighting I always give in and we have sex mostly because I tired of fighting the same fight. We cuddle all the time and I text him and call him just to tell him “ I love you.” I put him first over everyone even my family. I feel like he controls this relationship! I can’t see me friends without letting him know days in advance and even then he always gets in a mood when I ask if I can go. I haven’t seen my own family in months because he feels awkward when we go visit them. I can’t go to the gym by myself because he thinks guys are going to hit on me and if I go by myself he Gets upset. He goes through my phone all the time and he tracks my location on his phone. On top of all that he doesn’t want me working with guys. He does all of these things to me and he still doesn’t feel like I want him. I’ve pleaded to him that I need my friends and I need my family but he tells me that all I need is him. I just want our relationship to go back to normal and I need him stop being obsessive and controlling. I’ve told him how I felt and he still wants his way. He told me the other days that fantasizes about other women because I don’t want him. He also told me that he flirts with women at work. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired! I’m exhausted trying to pretend all this is normal. Please help!

Former Member

Hi @marcy193
It sounds really exhausting to be in a relationship with no real freedom to see your family or talk about how you feel and have it taken seriously or respected. 

I also can see that he pressures you a lot into sex when you don't feel like it but it is perfectly acceptable for you to not want sex all the time and you should not have to when you don't want to. It's really important to remember that it in any relationship, your partner is not entitled to sex with you at any point just because you are in a relationship. You are allowed to say no when you don't want to and not have it be an issue or an argument to the point where you feel like you can't say no or are afraid to continue saying no. Being in a relationship does not give anyone the right to demand sex from their partner whenever they feel like it especially when they say no. 

From what you've said it's completely understandable that you find him controlling and it sounds like he doesn't trust you when you tell him that you love him otherwise he wouldn't worry about you seeing your family, working with men, tracking your location or going through your phone. In my experience, trust is absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship and also having other friendships and family outside the relationship provides balance and your own space, it is not often healthy for people to only have one person be try and provide everything in their life.

It is really difficult and painful when your partner doesn't trust or believe you when you say that you love them and becomes controlling as a result. How long you have been together and is it just recently that he has been acting this way?

Former Member

I feel for every one here who are going through the crap after telling your partner you're not in the mood.

I could have sworn I was the one who wrote this original post when I read it. My boyfriend would love to have sex 3 days during the week and once in the weekend. He's older than I am by 11 years, however I had a hysterectomy 12 years ago and my drive is nowhere near what it used to be. I talked to him about this countless times and he says I'm just making excuses. Don't get me wrong even when I'm not in the mood sometimes I will give in just to prevent the arguments. Then he'll complain that I'm dry and ask why. "REALLY!"! "What you expect?" I say to myself.

My thing is I do love him, but we have lots of issues due to a lack of communication on his part. That is such a damaging quality not to have in a relationship. After an argument he's ready to have sex at some point. However I have no will, want or ability to do such a thing. It takes me days before I might be able to get myself in that mode. I say "mode" because it's not natural action for me. It's not something I initiate nor do I ever have time to initiate because he's always in the mood. That for me is a complete and total turn off. Sometimes I just get like I don't want him to touch me because I'm so turned off. Needless to say, we have many, many issues surrounding sex.

Maisy

Hi @Kay49

 

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have different needs for sex, and that often, you give in just to please him or to prevent arguments, meanwhile he sees your lack of drive as an excuse.

 

It’s understandable that you would feel conflicted, given that you do love your boyfriend but also have communication issues. It also makes sense that you wouldn’t want to have sex after an argument or when you just aren’t turned on.

 

It seems like this has been going on for you for a while now. It’s not fair on you to be giving in to sex when you don’t want to or to stop arguments from taking place. Have you thought about looking into relationship counselling? If you think it might be helpful for managing communication issues, you might want to check out Relate https://www.relate.org.uk/ for information and support with relationship issues.

 

Take care

Former Member

Same boat here. Boyfriend wants to have sex two to three times A DAY. My endurance for it is at an all time low. When we first started we would have really rough frequent sex but as we got closer and fell in love I started to prefer more romantic sex and the more intense stuff started to hurt my feelings. Plus the toll of how much sex we are having started to hurt my body and my drive. He makes me feel terrible for not initiating anymore and it "not being like before" but how can it be like before? I told him maybe if he encouraged me and made an effort to tell me he knows im past my limit and that he appreciates it, id be more enthusiastic, but he tells me he shouldn't have to. If i reject him even once he says that I hate having sex with him and that I never try. Last time i said no he got up and left to go to the casino because "he might as well do something he wants to do" He tells me I should've known what I was getting into but I was naiive and thought he would taper off as time went on into the same drive as me. Now im starting to see that that was really dumb. Every time I try to talk to him about this he tells me its my fault for not caring as much about him as I used to and that sex is just a chore to me and that i only want sex my way. I feel totally lost on this front because we love each other so much and this fight is so painful to have over and over again. It feels like nobody can ever be happy.

Maisy

Hi @123Veronica

Mismatched sex drives and preferences (rough versus intimate) can cause problems when it comes to intimacy. Communication is really important and it sounds like you have tried being honest with your boyfriend and letting him know when you are past your limit and that hearing him validate your feelings would make things better for you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like your boyfriend is very understanding of your feelings, even turning it around and saying that you hate having sex with him and never try, or going to the casino because he should do what he wants to do.

It’s understandable that you might’ve thought that his sex drive would decrease to match yours as time went on but as you realise this wasn’t the best way to think about the situation. This doesn’t excuse your boyfriend’s behaviour or attitude towards you though. Your boyfriend needs to understand that it’s not that you don’t care about him or only want sex your way but that you don’t have the physical or emotional endurance to keep having sex at the frequency and intensity that he wants. Ideally, he should try to be understanding and compromise so that you both can find a happy medium.

I understand that you love him and believe that you both love each other a lot but I’m wondering if you might also want to take a look at our article on spotting unhealthy behaviours in the bedroom https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/how-to-spot-unhealthy-behaviour-in-the-bedroom-22935.html If you feel pressured to have sex or that you are disappointing your boyfriend for not having sex, then it could also be coercive.

You might want to try talking with your boyfriend, letting him share his feelings but also sharing yours too and how all of this is hurting you. Now that you are a member of The Mix, you can get support on our discussion boards https://community.themix.org.uk/ or by contacting our team directly for one-to-one support https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team You can also contact Relate https://www.relate.org.uk/ specifically for help and advice regarding relationships.

Hope this helps a bit! 😊

Former Member

This is funny! I have similar problems, lol. I think it's funny that the response is always "communication is good. It's understandable how you feel. Try talking to him." Men can't hear it! They are so tired of us talking talking talking.... That's what all these ladies are saying. "I done told him"! It doesn't do anything buy piss him off and wear us out. I've noticed that most articles that come up in google searches about relationships are telling ladies how to deal with men, how to be better for men, how to understand men.... not so much the other way round. Maybe men are given far too much slack. Maybe it's time they start trying to be better for women. Maybe it's time that men get over themselves and consider adapting to the needs of their partners. I think that the constant access to porn has warped their brains. And society condones it! Recommends it! I swear sex was better before smartphones. Hell, mine can hardly get off with out verbally acting out some forced daddy daughter sex scene or dressing up in ladies undies. And he's so accustomed to his hand he can rarely stay hard when he's f***ing me. (Yeah, you thought you had it bad, huh?) I'm totally not that kind of kinky either, I dont like porn and talking dirty feels like more of a distraction for me. I guess I like it the old fashioned way and the extra stuff feels like too much work. So I make him do things or buy things for me now when he wants "sex". I kind of feel bad for him. It must be awful to be so hooked on a feeling that lasts less than a minute and makes you act so foolish. All this has caused problems in the relationship. More and more he's at his place too busy jerking off all night and I spend a lot of time at home with my cat. I really dont even know if I love him anymore, I mean he's really got a good heart and in a lot of ways he's everything I wanted in a guy but then he wants me to dominate him and he even got us a strap on (No, I didn't go there) and I just can't see him as the rugged, strong, sexy man I fell for anymore. I mean, people have their kinks and exploration is healthy but in 3 years we've never made love, maybe once... I miss that kind of stuff. I'd move on if I didn't think that all men have been porn-programed... at least this one is honest about it. In my last relationship I found out the hard way. He was screwing guys and girls from craigslist, the guy part was a real shock... And the guy before that I discovered was a porn addict and prefered girls that pretend to be waaayyyyy young (eew). So I keep my lingerie wearing lumberjack and say "no, daddy, no" while he jerks off. Then he buys me things.

Former Member

The issue is that you don't enjoy sex with him. You stated that yourself in that you would have more sex with him if it was good and then proceed to list all these reasons why his badgering is making you not want to have sex. Which came first? You not enjoying it so you not having a enough sex with him or him badgering you?

Find someone who can please you




Also this is in reply to Maisy:

She said herself the sex isn't good so what he's saying here is true:

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like your boyfriend is very understanding of your feelings, even turning it around and saying that you hate having sex with him and never try

The whole thing about being honest is hogwash, she's not being honest with him or herself. If he can't please you move on. It affects his confidence and it affects your ability to to be satisfied.

I don't know why girls don't understand this, guys can tell if you aren't being pleasured because you won't have as much, you never orgasm, you are as dead as a log, you are never out of breathe etc.

If you are staying with him because you love him then use those communication skills everyone is incorrectly commending you for and tell him what you like/don't like in bed. If he's doing something right, tell him, just like that, keep doing that. Etc

Instead you choose to continue to not be pleasured because you think you shouldn't have to tell him what to do or give him pointers.