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Sexual assault *TW
starfish_17
Posts: 226 Trailblazer
Hey, I haven't been very active here recently but something happened Thursday and i have clue how to feel or what to do about it. Im so upset and angry at myself for allowing it to happen.
Im pretty sure what happened counts as sexual assult?
I got a lift back with a guy i have training with and in the car park he started to put their hands down my jeans. I told him no and to stop and let go but he didnt and kept going. I must have said to stop about 7 times. I then tried to pull his hand off me but he was too strong and i couldn't. Eventually, he stopped and said sorry. I nearly got out the car then but i had no other way home and i didnt think he would try anything else but he did.
During the drive home, he kept touching me in inappropriate places and trying to get his hand up my hoodie. Then when i got out the car he got out and pulled me into a hug and put his hand down the back of my jeans. I shouted at him and went home quite scared from what happened.
I really dont know what i should do now. At the start i wasnt as upset by it but now i have had some time to think about it i feel really bad about it and keep thinking of things i should of did differently. I should have gotten out the car and called for a lift from someone else or i should have told him no more forcefully and made him stop but i almost gave up saying no and froze.
Im too scared to tell my parents about it or to go to the police so i dont really know what other options i would have other than forget about it and try to move on.
He called me in tears saying how sorry he was but i dont believe him. I think he is scared about what is going to happen and upset because his girlfriend found out and he is scared he will lose her. I dont want to have to see him again but i am going to have to because i have training with him a couple times a week.
Sorry it was so long!
Im pretty sure what happened counts as sexual assult?
I got a lift back with a guy i have training with and in the car park he started to put their hands down my jeans. I told him no and to stop and let go but he didnt and kept going. I must have said to stop about 7 times. I then tried to pull his hand off me but he was too strong and i couldn't. Eventually, he stopped and said sorry. I nearly got out the car then but i had no other way home and i didnt think he would try anything else but he did.
During the drive home, he kept touching me in inappropriate places and trying to get his hand up my hoodie. Then when i got out the car he got out and pulled me into a hug and put his hand down the back of my jeans. I shouted at him and went home quite scared from what happened.
I really dont know what i should do now. At the start i wasnt as upset by it but now i have had some time to think about it i feel really bad about it and keep thinking of things i should of did differently. I should have gotten out the car and called for a lift from someone else or i should have told him no more forcefully and made him stop but i almost gave up saying no and froze.
Im too scared to tell my parents about it or to go to the police so i dont really know what other options i would have other than forget about it and try to move on.
He called me in tears saying how sorry he was but i dont believe him. I think he is scared about what is going to happen and upset because his girlfriend found out and he is scared he will lose her. I dont want to have to see him again but i am going to have to because i have training with him a couple times a week.
Sorry it was so long!
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Comments
I'm so sorry to hear what you went through, sounds horribly scary
From what you've said you didn't consent and even explicitly said no, so tbh yes it does sound like he's taken advantage of you. You didn't 'allow' it to happen so please don't blame yourself - you weren't to know he would continue doing it, and you will drive yourself mad replaying in your mind how you would have done things differently. It was his choice to take advantage, not yours. This was in no way your fault Esme!
In case it helps, if you're still questioning what is sexual assault and what isn't - the Mix have a really good article on consent here: https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/sexual-consent-15356.html
Do you have anyone you feel you can talk to about it? If you don't want to talk about it to somebody you know, Rape Crisis can give expert advice - they have online chat and a phone number https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/
Sending hugs
- Lucy
I have replayed it over so so so many times already and just wish i could go back and change things and not get in the car with him!
Thanks for the link, Ill have a read of that later. Ill also look at the other website.
There are a couple people i could tell but i just dont want my parents to know. I dont really now how to start the conversation or how to say whats happened without getting upset though.
Esme x
I am so sorry to hear what happened. I'm sorry you were in that situation and I'm sorry that he does not understand the concept of consent, or he didn't want to. But let me tell you this, it is NOT your fault in anyway. I know when you think back, you can think of a million things you could have done, but just know that the way you responded was completely normal. When we are faced with an attack on our body whether it is physical, psychological, stress related etc, our brain usually has a "fight or flight or freeze" response, and thats what happened for you too.
I know it feels scary to tell anyone about this, and I cant imagine how hard this situation is for you. I understand it's too overwhelming to tell your parents about this, how do you think they would react? Maybe they could help more than we think? But of course, it is completely your choice whether or not to tell them.
I am glad you reached out to us, we are all here for you. Please feel free to write back to us anytime you want.
And as @Lucy307 said, do look at these links because I think they can be very helpful.
I'm sorry that this person has made you feel unsafe, and doubt yourself, but you are strong, you are smart, you are beautiful, and there's nothing he can take away from you!
Sending lots of love,
Viloka
I know its not my fault exactly that it happened but there are so many other better ways i could have went about it which means it wouldn't have been as bad. But its done now and nothing i can do to change anything.
I dont talk to my parents about anything serious like this and i just feel uncomfortable telling them. I dont really know why and cant explain it.
I looked at the link from @Lucy307 and they were really helpful!
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me x
So sorry to hear about what happened! I know that you wish you could go back and undo what happened, but what's happened has happened - you need to find your own way in moving on from this. I know you keep thinking about what you could've changed, but how could you? You knew him and thought you could trust him - that's no fault of yours. If he overstepped the boundary again and again, that's not your fault - only his!
I think you should definitely tell someone about it - if nothing happens, he'll simply do it again to another person. If he didn't have the common sense to treat you with respect, it's likely that he'll do it again, and he needs to learn a lesson. He's apologising, hoping that you don't tell someone because he's afraid of what will happen to him - but during all of this, not once has he considered how he made you feel. I'd strongly suggest reporting it to the police.
I'm so sorry to hear what happened, but now's the time to do the right thing. Make sure that he learns his lesson, and that he doesn't do it again to anyone elsex
Much love